Is my boyfriend making excuses not to buy a house with me?

[LemonBelly]

I own my own house, have done for 4 years now. My boyfriend rents and has a preteen daughter.

We decided this year, after lots of thought and discussion, we want to move in together and want to buy rather than rent. We spend most of the time between each others houses anyway but live an hour apart, we are very much a family without the joint house right now.

We chatted about timings and set loose plans that spring is a good time to sell/buy so the first step for me was to get my house valued, which I did. My boyfriend owns his own business and has done for nearly 3 years, but from what I understand he doesn’t take much of a monthly wage, he only takes what he needs and leaves as much as he can within the business. He was concerned that it would be hard to get a mortgage without proof of income but I did a bit of research and it’s not as black and white as that, they can look at the business income etc.

He said his next steps were to file his tax returns and then meet with his accountant. I waited a couple of weeks since that conversation and then asked him how it all went, he said fine and yes he met with his accountant who said all should be fine for a mortgage. And that was the end of that. I asked him a couple of days later what the next steps are, because I don’t want to put my house on the market too hastily, he said he’s waiting to hear back about his tax stuff and then he will let me know and we can book a meeting in with my mortgage advisor. But gave no timelines and no real commitment. It’s hard to explain but he was very flippant about it.

I decided to communicate to him that I felt like he wasn’t as in to this as I am and that it’s fine if he wants to wait, but he said no he would move in with me tomorrow if he could.

I don’t know why I feel so bothered by it, because he’s saying the right things and is doing things to progress. Maybe it’s my lack of understanding about how it works when you own a business or a bit of insecurity. I don’t know what I’m asking for really, some reassurance that I’m going mad and overthinking

I would do this. Get a BTL mortgage on your house if you have to or get a loan against it to buy the new place but with him being so vague for whatever reason and basically leaving all the donkey work to you, buggered if I would be selling up! He has NO ASSETS so this is a sweet deal for him but you could end up with nothing. Rent yours out and move in with him for a couple of years.

But she's not your daughter?
I think you're mad to combine your finances so strongly with him at this stage. What's wrong with living separately while his child is still at home?

Although he could communicate that better to me if that’s the case but maybe he didn’t see the point in giving me all the little details
Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't see see the point in giving me all the little details?

Isn’t that the case with any family?
Say I was married to him 10 years ago and we shared a daughter, if his business fell through I’d have to support the family while he found other work. Anyone that becomes involved financially with another person has that same risk…

There's a big difference between supporting your own child and a step-child.
What if you had a child or two of your own but were working to support a step-child in her teens and your own two pre-schoolers and him?

This, exactly. Wise up, OP.

This. Really, OP, do not give up your home ownership to join finances with this man.

Give it a couple of years and that preteen that is so keen to move in (and wants to spend time with you), will just be giving you one word answers as they make it in and out of the house.

You sound quite naive OP. Have you lived with any/many partners before?

If the communication between you is so poor that you can't discuss this with him then you don't have the basis for a lasting successful relationship.

If you're so desperate to try living with him, then rent your house out, and try renting sonewhere together in the area you'd want to buy in.

There is a child's wellbeing involved here, as well as yours and your finances. You're moving too fast and taking too much risk.

My advice in cases like these is to look at his actions, not what he says.

Do NOT sell your house for a "boyfriend" OP, please listen to all the very sensible advice given to you

I know you didn’t ask for advice about this, so ignore if you want!

I’m not sure about the self employed taxes stuff, but what might be useful for you is a “declaration of trust” if you’re going to put more cash into the deposit from selling your current house.

Basically this means a contract (can be done by the solicitor during the buying process) to specify the share of cash/depsoit you both put in at buying stage, and what you’ll receive from the house sale if you happen to separate in the future.

I wonder if he doesn't earn us much as you think and doesn't want you find out.

I think he’s ready to move in with you, not to buy a house with you.

I’m a single parent myself so I know he has a lot on his plate as is but frankly I feel like you have the most to lose in this situation. I’d stay put if I were you.

I’m not sure I’d put myself in a vulnerable position of being a joint owner with a boyfriend ever again. I like the security and power of being the full owner of a home and having him
staying and contributing but ultimately he’s
the one who would have to leave if it didn’t work out. I understand the romance and commitment of being shared owners and the potential for buying a more expensive property but often both parties lose out if things go wrong and end up with less to move on with

Isn't he just a common or garden cocklodger wannabe @LemonBelly ?

But you aren't married... and you don't share a daughter. You want to play house

On the face of it sounds like his finances aren't in order and he knows it

I think this is a crazy idea OP. The red flags are blinding.

You dont know how much he earns... but you apparently know that his staff are well paid? This makes no sense

You dont understand anything about how his finances or business affairs work... but your going to trust him to keep a roof over your head?

Doesn't matter if you know the daughter her entire life, or get in well, LIVING in eachothers pockets is soooo much harder.

Staying at his for weekends and then having your own nice house to fo back to is not the same as OWNING a house with a man you can't get a straight answer from.

I'm not even sure his vague responses are the issue. He probably thinks you are more savvy than you are and probably thinks you understand what he's talking about re accountants and tax. If you don't 100% understand, ask him what he's talking about. If you can't get a straightforward answer... that's an answer in itself.

You selling a house to buy a house for him and his daughter (that's essentially what's happening) is ludicrous.

Also 3 yrs is absolutely nothing considering you have never lived together and don't know about eachothers finances and he has a Daughter and a business.

Sounds liek the relationship is fine, and moving in together is nice, but selling your security and buying together is like skipping 10 steps ahead and is absolutely bonkers.

His financial affairs are opaque to you. Why does he not take much salary? What happens to the rest? Is his business profitable? Is he fully up front about tax? I’d want to see his business books and tax return before linking financially with him.

As pp have said buying together is a huge commitment with big implications that go far beyond just living in the same place. And even though he is the one who seems to be hesitating those big implications may fall more heavily on you than on him. You have a lot to lose here.

I definitely will not be selling my house until I am 100% sure everything is going to work out okay.

Well, you're not sure enough to marry each other. So what does "100% sure everything is going to work out okay" look like?

maybe he didn’t see the point in giving me all the little details

These are not "little details" though. You need to know a lot more unromantic financial shit about him before you commit to this plan.

Say I was married to him 10 years ago and we shared a daughter, if his business fell through I’d have to support the family while he found other work.

And yet now you are putting yourself in that position with a man you aren't married to and a girl who isn't your daughter.

It may all work out but you're not wrong to worry about the gap between what he's saying and doing. And slow things down. At least have a good hard think about why you aren't marrying first.

Please don’t let him move into your house, I got stung like this if you end up cohabitating with him in your house he could actually have a claim on your property if you really want to live with this guy although it sounds to me like not a great plan. Rent your house out and rent somewhere together you’ll soon see who he is I think it’s a huge problem!
The fact that he’s delaying getting it together is actually doing you a huge favour please be careful so many people get ripped off by what are seemingly wonderful partners until it goes wrong and they’re living in your home

If you want to move anyway, can’t you just get a 2 bed place a bit closer to your current job? What do the finances look like on that compared to what you’d be buying with him? Beware of thinking that you need a full on 3 bed family house with 2 garages etc, a 2 bed place would probably be fine for the foreseeable.

Where is he living now? And how much of a deposit would he be putting in? Plus how much income does he need to reliably generate from the business- and is that do-able given the fact that he’s barely paying himself at the moment? It’s not just getting the mortgage- someone also need to pay it monthly?

And are you absolutely sure that if his business got into financial trouble the debtors of the business couldn’t come after the house (at least “his” share)? Because this can happen depending on the legal structure of his company.

He's got a business that he only takes enough wage to scrape by or he's dodging taxes and paying more child support. That's a big red flag right there.

You sell your security to move in with this guy and his child. What if she doesn't like living with you? Living with dad's gf is very different than just being around dad's gf. What if you guys aren't compatible living together?

You stand to lose a lot here and it's sounding like he's not moving this forward, for whatever reason. Put it on hold for a while. Rent out your place and move in if you really want to live with him and his kid, but what a red flag that you guys are ready to buy a house together but he's not financially transparent with you.

Cant believe you are discussing buying together and speaking about areas and mortgages but you don’t even know what he earns??? That should have been the very first question. So I earn this per month and have (or could generate) x for a deposit. What about you? Don’t do it.

Was he married to the ex?

If so I’d be wanting to see the consent/financial order with a clean break clause. Without a clean break clause, the ex can come back for your joint house, future pensions or inheritance unless she remarries then the financial ties will be severed.

I’ve met many people who assume once you’re divorced that’s it but it’s not true. My divorce was amicable and we had no joint assets. Nevertheless I paid for a consent order with clean break clause to myself in the future.

Communication is one of the most important aspects in a relationship and he is crap at it.

It’s likely never been an issue in the past 3 years because you’ve had this fun relationship of not having any joint responsibilities and mainly only staying over on weekends.

Now that more serious stuff has come up like moving house, it’s where people’s true selves/compatibilty comes out.
And he is not showing himself in a good light.

I think you also may have not thought/discussed the DD enough.

Will you both be paying the same amount of mortgage or will his be higher?
What about food and utilities, will it be all split 50/50 or he pay 2/3rds to cover DDs?
Are you ok with her living at home until she’s 30?
Are you ok with her having boyfriends and friends around regularly?
What are your views on her paying rent when she’s older?
If she’s unwell or needs driving to places whose responsibility is that?
What if she gets pregnant at 14 and you’ve got not just her but a baby living there for years too.
What if you don’t agree with DPs parenting and think she needs more or less discipline?
What if she gets upset or jealous of you too wanting alone time?

I adore my nieces and nephews. I’ve known them their entire lives and they regularly stay mine - but living with them FT would be very, very different.

You seem to have your head screwed on and are in a much better position than him - you have a good job, your own home, no dependent DC, you’ve been proactive around living together and thought it through properly.
He has no mortgage, has a DC, is SE but you’re not sure how much he earns, he’s flakey, not a good communicator and isn’t proactive.

I’m not saying he’s a bad man but I think it’s always more sensible to be on the skeptical side.

Let his actions speak louder than his words.

You say you want to move anyway.
So why not just move closer to DP and his DD but not move in together just yet.
You’ll get to see each other more and it just gives you that bit of extra time.

Can I ask why you want to move in together so soon?
Do you want children together or for financial reasons?
Or purely just to spend more time together?

He cant live at my house because of his daughter, she’d be an hour from her school and mum

An hour isn't that far. I'd definitely try living together before you buy together.