Is my boyfriend making excuses not to buy a house with me?

[LemonBelly]

I own my own house, have done for 4 years now. My boyfriend rents and has a preteen daughter.

We decided this year, after lots of thought and discussion, we want to move in together and want to buy rather than rent. We spend most of the time between each others houses anyway but live an hour apart, we are very much a family without the joint house right now.

We chatted about timings and set loose plans that spring is a good time to sell/buy so the first step for me was to get my house valued, which I did. My boyfriend owns his own business and has done for nearly 3 years, but from what I understand he doesn’t take much of a monthly wage, he only takes what he needs and leaves as much as he can within the business. He was concerned that it would be hard to get a mortgage without proof of income but I did a bit of research and it’s not as black and white as that, they can look at the business income etc.

He said his next steps were to file his tax returns and then meet with his accountant. I waited a couple of weeks since that conversation and then asked him how it all went, he said fine and yes he met with his accountant who said all should be fine for a mortgage. And that was the end of that. I asked him a couple of days later what the next steps are, because I don’t want to put my house on the market too hastily, he said he’s waiting to hear back about his tax stuff and then he will let me know and we can book a meeting in with my mortgage advisor. But gave no timelines and no real commitment. It’s hard to explain but he was very flippant about it.

I decided to communicate to him that I felt like he wasn’t as in to this as I am and that it’s fine if he wants to wait, but he said no he would move in with me tomorrow if he could.

I don’t know why I feel so bothered by it, because he’s saying the right things and is doing things to progress. Maybe it’s my lack of understanding about how it works when you own a business or a bit of insecurity. I don’t know what I’m asking for really, some reassurance that I’m going mad and overthinking

This, I’ve had two female friends do this, very sensible if financials allow, just to add both women ended up back in their rented properties…..

Thank you for explaining that, i didn’t realise about the accountant certificate so maybe that is what he’s waiting for. Although he could communicate that better to me if that’s the case but maybe he didn’t see the point in giving me all the little details

He might also be waiting for his tax returns to be filed. The deadline is different for companies!

Nearly 3 years actually in a relationship but I’ve known him (and his daughter) for 6 years. We have mutual friends, I’ve been to his house for bbqs, birthday parties etc way before we even considered a relationship. We actually moved very slowly and it evolved over time and I think we’ve done it the right way for everyone involved. We are all well adjusted

@LemonBelly , you are wearing rose-tinted glasses. You sound a bit clueless and not interested in his business.

Im not going to give details on his DD situation but I know that DD wants to live with us and wants to move house, and I’m not stupid to think it will be sunshine and rainbows always. We spend a lot of time together, I’ve seen the good and the bad. And no he’s not reducing his wage so he gives less child support, I know that for sure.

Except he is deliberately impacting both what child support he is liable to pay and also what mortgage you can get. Even if he pays more than what he says he should be paying, you don’t even know his true finances to compare and what he is doing is a classic way to avoid paying something whether it’s tax, child support, other financial obligations.

As he has a child, you are aware that any bursaries and loans she may be eligible for in order to go to uni are based on household income, so if you move in with them then she may not be entitled to the funding she would have been with just her dad’s income. Are you prepared to bridge that gap? Because you’ll be expected to.

This might not matter at all if he earns a good amount but if he doesn’t earn loads then it does matter and you need to think about it.

I think you mean bursaries @SargeMarge .

This might not matter at all if he earns a good amount but if he doesn’t earn loads then it does matter and you need to think about it.
He probably pays himself very little.

I have a lot of cash tied up in my current house which I would need to sell to release to use as a deposit for the next house so renting this one and buying wouldn’t be financially viable unfortunately

I also want to reassure people that I know this is a big step and I’m putting my security on the line but I have thought this through

1. i want to move eventually anyway, with or without him. As I’ve changed jobs and commute far to the office
2. I am financially stable, i couldn’t afford a mortgage for a house the size we need by myself but I can comfortably afford what I have now and would be able to find something again solo if needed
3. i am very lucky to have great family support. If the worst happens then I would not be homeless or scrambling to find a roof.

😂 yes, I didn’t notice the autocorrect!

Thank you for explaning this. I was trying tp say this but you were much more articulate.
Also agree accoutants can be slow for certain things.

You would be absolutely crazy to sell your home to buy one with your boyfriend and his pre teen child in tow. Not a chance.

@SargeMarge , I tried to warn you so you could edit it. Damned autocorrect.

Where would you move to. You need to move in one direction for work but he needs to stay where he is for his daughter's sake. How does that work out. There are practical considerations which he might be thinking about that you aren't.

As I asked in my previous post (and others have asked the same thing)... Are you / will you be happy to support your partner and his daughter financially if his business doesn't succeed and he ends up out of work?

Because this is always a high possibility with people who are self employed / have their own business.

This.

No he’s not impacting his child support. I’m not going into loads of details about someone else’s life, but there is an agreement in place with solicitors involved that does not base the child maintenance payment on his income.

Isn’t that the case with any family?
Say I was married to him 10 years ago and we shared a daughter, if his business fell through I’d have to support the family while he found other work. Anyone that becomes involved financially with another person has that same risk…

Quite frankly, I am shocked at the poll results so far.

It is enough that because you've said "I was more confused about where he stands on it all" @LemonBelly that you proceed with ultimate caution.

Bide your time, do nothing wrt your home, until, everything is clear, financially mainly, but also your understanding of what may be "expected" of you re his daughter.

Could be a valuable exercise for you to have a look at the step-parenting board @LemonBelly

This explanation doesn't help matters at all. It's getting a bit frustrating now trying to explain the financial risks involved. You haven't even had an open and honest discussion about his finances given how little you know about his situation - but happy to proceeed with buying a house together. Your flippant attitude to being in a very comfortable situation and everything being fine no matter what makes you a sitting duck for men whose intentions are less than sincere. This is the worst case scenario of course, but please be aware that it's a possibility.

I own a business too and also try to not pay myself too much for tax reasons. I also have a mortgage - it's a fairly easy process to get the relevant paper work for the bank. It does sound like he is dragging his heels. I wouldn't buy a house with him. Even if it did go ahead, it sounds to me like he would use his relatively low income to avoid paying his share, so you would be joint owners but you would be putting most of the money in.

but this is not the situation you are in @LemonBelly, at this point in time you are in a very strong financial position which will completely change if you are emotionally led into a completely different scenario.

Please don't be in a rush to lose your autonomy, just yet, a three year relationship is still relatively new to throw all you own into the "family" pot (even though you've actually known him for 6 years).

Caveat; my views are as a result of being on MN for years and being, personally, risk averse after reading some of the heart-breaking positions some MN'ers find themselves in.

Self employed mortgages are harder to get.
If he has been running his business in a way that minimises tax implications, this will mean he has been declaring minimal income and most money is going back into the busibess. Which may mean his income ia showing as next to nothing and he is putting stuff through his business like meals and clothing etc. Now I would think based on what you have said he is gojng to only be able to show a minimal wage and possible has also been claiming benefits. Which would be all perfectly 'legal' but would also mean that it will be a very small income he is working with for a mortgage application.
He would ideally need to spend a year or two making his income as large as possible from the business but paying more tax to show a larger income from the mortgage.
I would read up on this area and then ask him about it.

Quite frankly, I am shocked at the poll results so far.
my views are as a result of being on MN for years and being, personally, risk averse after reading some of the heart-breaking positions some MN'ers find themselves in.
Me too.

I was with my XP for years until I learnt the hard way that I didn't really know him at all, and that was without the added complications of step-children and shared mortgage.

It's not at all the same thing. If you were married and had children together then that's a joint decision and responsibility you have made TOGETHER and they would be YOUR children to support.

Believe me when I say (as a step-mum) it is completely different with step-children. Not bad, but you don't have that same primal need to protect and look after them. They have two parents for that.

If you move in with a boyfriend and his daughter moves in with you, then should his business not succeed and he finds himself with no income, YOU are going to be responsible for him, and for a child that isn't yours.

At the moment you are in a great financial position, have no dependants and your own home. Please, please reconsider this decision. And not because he is dragging his feet.