Is my boyfriend making excuses not to buy a house with me?

[LemonBelly]

I own my own house, have done for 4 years now. My boyfriend rents and has a preteen daughter.

We decided this year, after lots of thought and discussion, we want to move in together and want to buy rather than rent. We spend most of the time between each others houses anyway but live an hour apart, we are very much a family without the joint house right now.

We chatted about timings and set loose plans that spring is a good time to sell/buy so the first step for me was to get my house valued, which I did. My boyfriend owns his own business and has done for nearly 3 years, but from what I understand he doesn’t take much of a monthly wage, he only takes what he needs and leaves as much as he can within the business. He was concerned that it would be hard to get a mortgage without proof of income but I did a bit of research and it’s not as black and white as that, they can look at the business income etc.

He said his next steps were to file his tax returns and then meet with his accountant. I waited a couple of weeks since that conversation and then asked him how it all went, he said fine and yes he met with his accountant who said all should be fine for a mortgage. And that was the end of that. I asked him a couple of days later what the next steps are, because I don’t want to put my house on the market too hastily, he said he’s waiting to hear back about his tax stuff and then he will let me know and we can book a meeting in with my mortgage advisor. But gave no timelines and no real commitment. It’s hard to explain but he was very flippant about it.

I decided to communicate to him that I felt like he wasn’t as in to this as I am and that it’s fine if he wants to wait, but he said no he would move in with me tomorrow if he could.

I don’t know why I feel so bothered by it, because he’s saying the right things and is doing things to progress. Maybe it’s my lack of understanding about how it works when you own a business or a bit of insecurity. I don’t know what I’m asking for really, some reassurance that I’m going mad and overthinking

Could be he has debts from his previous relationship hence why he is worriedz

Clearly she does given that she wants to buy a house with him. Why do people ask such ridiculous, pointless questions on this app now.

I think his finances are perhaps not great in terms of getting a mortgage so he’s procrastinating

I do think you’d be crazy to do this just now. I’d either keep things as they are for a couple of years, or sell and buy somewhere nearer him, but keep your money and your independence

I agree with the majority of PP upthread. The very fact that you have come on here shows that your spidery senses have been alerted by your BF apparent procrastination. In your position I would wait a few weeks more before having a frank talk about finances. I suspect that what other PP have speculated about his tax and/or financial dealings with his ex may be the problem. If so you will need him to be transparent with you so you can make an informed decision. Do not risk your own property and financial independence.

So when you said you met your current partner on online dating…. You were lying?

It might be that he wants to keep his finances veiled from you, or it could be that he is waiting for year end (April 5th). Whichever it is, protect your financial position!

Hmm. If you havent already, I'd be asking him a full and frank conversation about money before committing to this bloke on a mortgage.

He’s not saying the right things at all. He’s not being completely transparent with you. Why doesn’t he invite you to the meeting with his accountant?

How do you plan to manage your finances when you buy the house? Will you ringfence your deposits?

Are you buying as Tenants in common, say 50/50 or Joint (100/100) tenants?

Will you put everything into one pot to pay the bills and take out an equal amount for fun money?

Will you work out a percentage contribution for all bills or allocate specific bills to a named person.

Do you plan to have children with him?

Until you nail down some of these answers you’re likely to be shafted financially long term, just like millions of other trusting women. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This.

The first thing I thought, as me and my BF were in a similar position. You live an hour apart, are you moving to his area or is he moving to yours? Would suggest if hes moving to yours he may not want to anymore. This is what happened in my situation I decided I dint want to move my kids out of school.

My guess would be his credit history is shit, either current debts or historic CCJ’s and he doesn’t want you to know that he won’t pass a credit check.

Why can’t it be that he’s just not keen on buying a property with the Op? He has a child, a business and a home - an hour away.

Maybe he’s happy and settled, as is his child, and that’s really the long and short of it.

In your shoes I would keep my house, rent it out, and move in with him a daughter and see how that does for 6months at least first. You’ll lose so much on estate agent fees and stamp duty if this goes tits up.

Tbh if he's not transparent about money before you buy a house with him he's not likely to be afterwards.

If you do buy with him he needs to pay more of the utilities for the amount his daughter will use.

I can see a future where you're subsidising him and his daughter plus paying for her birthdays, friends presents, her clubs, taking her to school, paying for holidays for you all etc.

How is he in the house, will he be 50/50 on cooking, meal planning, cleaning, laundry, house maintenance etc or is there a risk he'll suddenly have to start working extra hours 'for the business', going out with mates etc knowing that his daughter is home with you?

She already said he'd move in with her tmw, he's just stalling on buying somewhere. More likely he's keen on having a woman at home to keep things ticking over while he has less responsibility.

Yes - but that’s just words. Everything else indicates he doesn’t want to

He has his daughter 70% and has his own business.

what would make you think he’s a layabout?

OP, you are getting very good advice on this thread.

Please take it onboard.

I don't think he's a layabout but a lot of men suddenly find themselves incapable of doing housework when they live with a woman, he doesn’t seem very proactive that's all. That plus the not sharing pertinent financial info when they're supposedly just about to buy a house doesn't look good.

That's how it works in normal relationships when neither has anything to hide. You do the maths together.

It sounds like he's dodging being transparent by making out his business financials are 'too complicated' for the OP to understand. He seems shifty.

To me it just seems as though he doesn’t want to buy a place with the Op.

He has a child and a business and a home - 1 hour away.

He doesn’t want @LemonBelly to know his finances because he doesn’t want to buy with her.

If he was chomping at the bit - I might understand the point about him secretly wanting the Op to take over parenting his child when there is zero to indicate this is the case at all

Or… disinterested in buying with the OP!

Don’t do it!

This is quite an unusual mn thread. Usually we get the single, homeless /renting man desperate move in with a financially secure partner!