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Original poster

Is my boyfriend making excuses not to buy a house with me?

160 replies

LemonBelly · 19/02/2026 09:06

I own my own house, have done for 4 years now. My boyfriend rents and has a preteen daughter.

We decided this year, after lots of thought and discussion, we want to move in together and want to buy rather than rent. We spend most of the time between each others houses anyway but live an hour apart, we are very much a family without the joint house right now.

We chatted about timings and set loose plans that spring is a good time to sell/buy so the first step for me was to get my house valued, which I did. My boyfriend owns his own business and has done for nearly 3 years, but from what I understand he doesn’t take much of a monthly wage, he only takes what he needs and leaves as much as he can within the business. He was concerned that it would be hard to get a mortgage without proof of income but I did a bit of research and it’s not as black and white as that, they can look at the business income etc.

He said his next steps were to file his tax returns and then meet with his accountant. I waited a couple of weeks since that conversation and then asked him how it all went, he said fine and yes he met with his accountant who said all should be fine for a mortgage. And that was the end of that. I asked him a couple of days later what the next steps are, because I don’t want to put my house on the market too hastily, he said he’s waiting to hear back about his tax stuff and then he will let me know and we can book a meeting in with my mortgage advisor. But gave no timelines and no real commitment. It’s hard to explain but he was very flippant about it.

I decided to communicate to him that I felt like he wasn’t as in to this as I am and that it’s fine if he wants to wait, but he said no he would move in with me tomorrow if he could.

I don’t know why I feel so bothered by it, because he’s saying the right things and is doing things to progress. Maybe it’s my lack of understanding about how it works when you own a business or a bit of insecurity. I don’t know what I’m asking for really, some reassurance that I’m going mad and overthinking

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 19/02/2026 09:43

Also - and I don’t know if this was a typo - ‘tax returns’ with an ‘s’. Don’t you have to do them every year? So it should be ‘tax return’

Original poster
LemonBelly · 19/02/2026 09:44

To answer a few questions

I don’t know what tax stuff he’s waiting on, I don’t really understand it but also haven’t asked for more details. I don’t believe he’s trying to hide it, he’s been honest that he doesn’t take much wage although we’ve never said exactly how much.

Im not going to give details on his DD situation but I know that DD wants to live with us and wants to move house, and I’m not stupid to think it will be sunshine and rainbows always. We spend a lot of time together, I’ve seen the good and the bad. And no he’s not reducing his wage so he gives less child support, I know that for sure.

I don’t want to rent my house out and then rent another, we discussed this and looked into it financially but both of us decided that’s not our first choice. And to buy a house with him I need to sell my house as I have a significant amount of equity in it that I need to release.

OP posts:
ForAmusedHazelQuoter · 19/02/2026 09:45

LemonBelly · 19/02/2026 09:44

To answer a few questions

I don’t know what tax stuff he’s waiting on, I don’t really understand it but also haven’t asked for more details. I don’t believe he’s trying to hide it, he’s been honest that he doesn’t take much wage although we’ve never said exactly how much.

Im not going to give details on his DD situation but I know that DD wants to live with us and wants to move house, and I’m not stupid to think it will be sunshine and rainbows always. We spend a lot of time together, I’ve seen the good and the bad. And no he’s not reducing his wage so he gives less child support, I know that for sure.

I don’t want to rent my house out and then rent another, we discussed this and looked into it financially but both of us decided that’s not our first choice. And to buy a house with him I need to sell my house as I have a significant amount of equity in it that I need to release.

Don’t do it.

Applecup · 19/02/2026 09:46

It sounds to me that - if you already own a house - you will be putting in more financially than he will. I would be careful in case things don't work out.

plentyofsunshine · 19/02/2026 09:48

LemonBelly · 19/02/2026 09:44

To answer a few questions

I don’t know what tax stuff he’s waiting on, I don’t really understand it but also haven’t asked for more details. I don’t believe he’s trying to hide it, he’s been honest that he doesn’t take much wage although we’ve never said exactly how much.

Im not going to give details on his DD situation but I know that DD wants to live with us and wants to move house, and I’m not stupid to think it will be sunshine and rainbows always. We spend a lot of time together, I’ve seen the good and the bad. And no he’s not reducing his wage so he gives less child support, I know that for sure.

I don’t want to rent my house out and then rent another, we discussed this and looked into it financially but both of us decided that’s not our first choice. And to buy a house with him I need to sell my house as I have a significant amount of equity in it that I need to release.

It's not sounding good. If he doesn't take much wage (and I expect he's paying himself minimum wage) AND he's paying a good amount of child support then he's not going to be able to borrow much (if indeed he can get a mortgage).

Original poster
LemonBelly · 19/02/2026 09:51

thank you for all the replies, it’s hard to answer all the questions

I definitely will not be selling my house until I am 100% sure everything is going to work out okay. And if we do buy together then there will be the proper protections in place, which both of us have already discussed and agreed to, as I will have significantly more deposit than him.

I don’t believe his business is in financial trouble, he has employees that I know that are happy and paid well. It’s been running since after Covid lockdown. He’s done business with my company and my dads company and it’s always been professional and above board. I may be wrong, I guess Ill find out as the process moves along… or doesn’t

OP posts:
Luckyingame · 19/02/2026 09:52

I cannot crawl into his head, OP, however, owning my own (house, apartment), I couldn't think of one reason to buy a living place with a man, if not necessarily to survive.

crasenda · 19/02/2026 09:53

I would leave it for another year. Let the preteen become full teen and assess if your relationship is still working with her.

Honestly, based on what you have said, the matter doesn't strike me as being happy, settled or mutually decided on just yet. Instinctively it seem that neither of you is 100% sure about it. Yet.

As a single person with my own house, much older than you, I have a partner of over 20 years, and neither of us have sold our houses to live together. It's not for everyone. We each value our independence and the security of owning our own homes outright. Our arrangement is similar to your current one, and it works absolutely fine, in fact it's probably the best recipe for a good relationship! No children in the mix though, which should make it easier, but we are happy as we are.

Hold on to your security, and park the process for twelve months is my advice.

Uptightmumma · 19/02/2026 09:57

sundayvibeswig22 · 19/02/2026 09:11

What tax stuff is he waiting on? If he’s filed his recent return he should be able to get his SA302 online, and the ones from previous years which is proof of income. Is he trying to hide his salary?

If an accountant submits on your behalf you can’t always get them on line. I am a mortgage broker and this time of year is a nightmare for accounts

Lindy2 · 19/02/2026 10:00

Don't give up your home. You have financial security by having your own property with equity.

Giving that up is a huge risk in my opinion. Especially as your partner is not putting the same into your joint purchase.

As a minimum I'd have a period of time living together in your house to see how you get along 24/7.

My suggestion would be to rent out your property and buy together equally if you really must buy together now. I know you've dismissed this opinion but I strongly suggest you reconsider.

You can use your rental income for mortgage payments so effectively still using your existing home to fund the purchase but whilst keeping the property.

Merseymum1980 · 19/02/2026 10:01

I have a small business. A lot of small business owners are really concerned about the future at the moment due to increase in ni, minimum wage increases and the fact that there seems to be a lot less money about generally at the moment.
This could be the issue and pride may be stopping him.discussing.
Either way id drop the subject.for now and enjoy your own security

Ninerainbows · 19/02/2026 10:01

If he doesn't have much income from the business and is paying any child maintenance, you may well get a mortgage but it's probably not going to be a mainstream lender with a decent rate.

Starlight1979 · 19/02/2026 10:01

How long have you been together @LemonBelly ?

MissyMooPoo2 · 19/02/2026 10:01

It’s obviously not a priority for him, so please stop it being a priority for you. You’re ready to give up your own home for someone who isn’t matching you in any way. As others have suggested, it would be sensible not to push on this until you’re both much more certain.

Edited to add: If you do push, you run the risk of later resenting having made all that effort as well as regretting giving up your own security.

Starlight1979 · 19/02/2026 10:07

From a different POV, my DH is self employed and currently out of work due to injury (he does a manual job which he isn't physically going to be able to do for at least 4-6 weeks). We are going to be relying on my salary until he can get back to work. We own our house and obviously been together a long time, married etc so it is what it is. But no way in your position would I be giving up the security of my own home.

Would you be happy to financially support your partner (and his daughter) if his business went bump? Because once you own a house together then that's what you're signing up to.

Just because someone owns a successful business or is doing well, doesn't mean that things can't change in the blink of an eye. That's the bonus of a secure, employed role I guess. Also, 3 years isn't long for a business to be established at all...

MiaKulper · 19/02/2026 10:09

You haven't answered if you have or plan to have children.

MsGreying · 19/02/2026 10:09

Stopping and waiting is a good idea.
Stop talking about it.
You need to practice living together for a good length of time first.
Blended breaks really easily. Untangling them from your wallet will be really hard .

What's his rental situation? He might be giving up a secure tenancy which he'd be mad to do without proper planning.

watchingthishtread · 19/02/2026 10:13

He's having cold feet about buying. It could be from a financial standpoint or a from a relationship standpoint, only he can tell you which. You're taking a big leap by buying together without having rented together first. It's risky and he has a daughter to consider. You might spend a lot of time in each others houses now but it's not the same thing. You're not splitting bills and dividing household tasks. I suggest you rent together first.

ArcticSkua · 19/02/2026 10:17

Is there a big rush, OP? I know you discussed that spring is a good time to buy/sell, but if that's the only reason to hurry things along, I'd forget about that. It's more important to make sure he's completely on board than to rush things or aim for a particular time of year.

Accept in your own mind that you're very unlikely to be putting your house on the market in the next few weeks. Sit tight and see how things go. If he wants to buy a house with you and he's in a financial position to do so, then it will happen eventually. If not then it will become clear at some point. But I don't think there's any reason to force things at this point.

Merseymum1980 · 19/02/2026 10:24

Starlight1979 · 19/02/2026 10:07

From a different POV, my DH is self employed and currently out of work due to injury (he does a manual job which he isn't physically going to be able to do for at least 4-6 weeks). We are going to be relying on my salary until he can get back to work. We own our house and obviously been together a long time, married etc so it is what it is. But no way in your position would I be giving up the security of my own home.

Would you be happy to financially support your partner (and his daughter) if his business went bump? Because once you own a house together then that's what you're signing up to.

Just because someone owns a successful business or is doing well, doesn't mean that things can't change in the blink of an eye. That's the bonus of a secure, employed role I guess. Also, 3 years isn't long for a business to be established at all...

Completley agree with this,tread carefully op. He may also be awaiting a tax bill (depending when his company are due to file), so he may be awaiting to find out about any corporation tax or if he has anything owed on dividends. So that could be something he is waiting for.
Id normally say sit him down and just ask for a straight answer however given that you have never lived together before and that you have some equity id just hang fire for now.
Also if it doesnt work out it could cause problems for his dd who is coming up to a sensitive age.
He may not be hiding anything financially by a lower wage as he may be giving himself dividends, i dont fully understand about that as im not great with all that

MissSpindle · 19/02/2026 10:25

TFImBackIn · 19/02/2026 09:33

You would be insane to sell your home in order to set up a home with someone like this. God knows what he's up to financially but it's obvious that he will not be able to get a mortgage. Why would you give up all your security to move in with him and his daughter when you haven't lived together before, he clearly isn't transparent financially and the odds are his daughter won't want to live with you anyway? Do you have any idea how difficult it would be to break up? You would be the one to move out - you know that, don't you?

100% agree with this.

He sounds like too much of a liability. I wouldn't do it if I was in your shoes, OP.

Heronwatcher · 19/02/2026 10:26

Ok, no one can ever be 100% sure if things are going to work out. You’re naive if you think that’s possible. What would you do if:

  • he gets sick and can’t pay the mortgage;
  • his business goes down the pan;
  • he has severe mental health problems;
  • you hate the new area or new house but he or his daughter refuse to move;
  • he starts behaving like an arse (not uncommon when people feel like they have their feet under the table) or has an affair; or
  • his daughter morphs into the teen from hell and makes your life miserable in your own home (drugs, attitude, sex, hates you). Again not uncommon if she’s had a hard time.

Even if you’ve protected your equity in a trust, you might have to go to court to get an order for sale and in the meantime you’ll be in a living hell with the house falling down around your ears and your equity decreasing probably.

There are a few red flags already, him dragging his heels, not bringing in a good wage, being a bit cagey about finances and not owning his own place despite having a child. All of this sounds like a potential disaster to me.

ranchdressing · 19/02/2026 10:28

Agree with others. DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE.

Right now it sounds like he's getting what he wants and you're investing in your own property. Let him and maintain full control of your own investment.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 19/02/2026 10:29

Aren’t you seeing red flags here OP? Im seeing a whole buntings worth.

Whats this man’s history? Do you know exactly what has gone on with previous relationships? How long have you been with him? Are you trying to progress things with a view of getting married and having your own family?

Tacohill · 19/02/2026 10:32

I just wouldn’t mention it again and wait for him to to say that everything is done and he’s ready to move forward.

He either doesn’t want to move it he’s very passive and you have to try and force information of him - I’m not sure which is worse tbh.

It sounds like you don’t have much knowledge of his financial situation and he’s not firth coming - buying a home with someone like this could cause massive issues.

The DD is also another big issue and it seems like neither of you are sure whether she will definitely be moving in with you FT or not - surely this is really important to know because this limits where you can live because of school etc and has he spoken to his ex about it etc.

Honestly it sounds like this is a half hearted plan which makes me think he either doesn’t want to move in with you or he just wants you to do all of the work whilst he drags his feet.