To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

You don't do counselling with an abuser. No reputable counsellor would do so.

I don’t think he’d go for 50/50 custody. I hope not, he wouldn’t know how to care for DD, I do it all. School would back me on this if needed. ideally he’d still have a relationship with them (both adore him when he’s being nice) but I have no clue what that would look like

My worry with counselling is he would talk a
good talk but his anger would just seep out again. For whatever reason I do feel he hates me, and is angry. He mentions not irregularly that I spoil the kids, indulge our DD condition 🙄don’t meet his needs, am messy etc. I feel like I just annoy him now.

What job does he do?

I could not cope with someone speaking to my child like that but realistically he is her dad and he will have her 50/50.

Your life has addition challenges and so the separation is not straight forward.

He’s almost 70.
You say he’s planning on retiring if you separate anyway - is it worth holding fire, having him reduce his hours now/go PT but take on a larger role with your DC.

It will give you time to sort yourself out but also may reduce his stress levels and he won’t be such a dick.
It will also give you chance to see if he’s relapsed which may affect contact etc with your DD if he can’t take care of her needs.

I think that's the whole point.
You say "if you don't want to pay CM then you'll have to do 50:50 on child care".
He doesn't get to call all the shots.

His children are an inconvenience to him, he wants you to focus your attention on to him. He feels he deserves it.

This isn’t strictly correct. If he is a pensioner on just the state pension then yes it’s correct.

However if he has private pensions (teaching & NHS you said), that is classed as income and the CMS will award maintenance based on the private pension income.

Do you think he sounds like the kind of man who wants to do 50:50 care for a disabled child? I don’t. He’s not doing anywhere near that amount now, by the sounds of it.

It starts off 50/50 but then all the additional information will be considered. The children's additional needs , their age , housing needs for them etc. You need to see a solicitor for this . Get all the documents you can such as birth certs, passports , any financial records, pension info . If you have a joint account take half and open a new account in your name.
It might seem overwhelming at first and you will worry about money. But again you might be entitled to more help if you are a single parent, more support for the children and he will have to provide for the children , retired or not . It really might not be as bad as you think .

His aggression towards the children will also have to be mentioned in terms of visitation.

It sounds like the fight itself was bad but is not the problem in isolation. It’s the everything else and the fight is what has allowed you to see things / articulate them clearly. It doesn’t sound like you love him or think that the marriage/family unit staying together will make you happy.

if that’s the case, then end it, and you can explain the fight was the last straw/an example of the problem.

This OP

please speak to a solicitor urgently. You need to start a divorce process, even if you don’t go through with it, and get an injunction on him liquidating the main asset that is his. As you and your kids are entitled to at least half of it.

given his behaviour I’d suggest he is drinking again and is potentially emotionally unstable enough to think F you lot, drain his assets and run.

good luck

I am sorry that you are experiencing such challenges in your relationship. From reading your post, I am imaging that you have learnt to accept what may unacceptable, e.g. dealing with all the childcare, bearing alone the cost for your child’s medical expenses and so on, somewhat normalizing the abnormal. It appears as if what you have experienced tonight is another version of the same: your partner is in another room reading whilst you take care of your children, you have to ask for his support as he is not engaging, the situation unravels as he explodes in his anger, he is verbally abusive to you and your children. Then he goes back to “normal”, makes a cup of tea and goes back to his reading. You wonder if you have been passive aggressive and somewhat wonder what you have done wrong. In all of this, you have some ground to believe that he is struggling with past addictive behaviours.
I hope you find the resources and strength to mobilize towards change.

It is selfish. I agree with you.

Op I want to say this kindly not to make you feel worse. Me and h have 5 kids. One has the most physical and mental needs you could imagine, 2 asd. We make it work because we want it to work , h may struggle with the practical care but knows he wouldn't change it for the world so we work around it as a couple and then as a family. Him vanishing off while on holiday then acting like that says he's only there for appearance and wants to belittle and scare you into doing it all while keeping quiet to boot. Leave him for you and your children because it's not fair. Get some legal advice , check entitled to , I can't imagine him having them frequently but it will feel less alone then you do right now.

Thank you all so much. Somehow, virtually, you have given me strength I didn’t have 2 hours ago. We leave tomorrow anyway to head home, and I think I need to speak to a solicitor when we get back. While I absolutely admit I focus all my attention on them, especially our DD, and can understand his frustration, I can’t understand his anger towards me when I do a pretty good job caring for our DD 24/7. I especially and probably this is the straw that has broken the back, cannot understand his anger towards her.

This is entirely accurate, I’ve somehow got used to a really odd way of living where I basically look after the kids and we bumble along but he resents me so much which I really don’t understand.

You sound lovely and he sounds awful. I would get an appointment with a solicitor asap to discuss things and include the issue of him having the ability to liquidate some of his pension as that can be prevented I think.

Don’t worry that the medical debt is in your name, you are married so it is joint.

It must all feel very overwhelming at the moment however once you get some advice and a bit of a plan in place that may help you feel more in control.

Others have already given you some useful information so have a read and definitely get some legal advice as your situation is complex with the children and their needs. Nothing online will tell you what the asset split would be and it will depend on lots of things including how often you each have the children, their needs, your abilities to work / income etc.

When you call round solicitors ask them what experience they have with situations like yours.

Look after yourself x

Threatening you retirement and no money if you split is really horrible. Though it has come to a head in him shouting like this right now it appears to be part of a much broader pattern of behaviour. When he says you aren't meeting his needs I presume he means no sex, without him making any attempt to support you and to help make time for yourselves so you can be a couple. You need to act, but give yourself a little bit of time to get over the shock, then gather together all the financial information, definitely not forgetting how much money you put into the house with your inheritance and full details of pensions! Then get the best financial and legal advice you can. His future living situation is not really your problem, but your children's needs are. In some ways it doesn't matter why he is now behaving like this - addiction, cognitive decline or just plain meanness - he is, and he needs to either stop or you need to split for your own sake. Personally I don't think therapy is always very helpful in these situations, too often it just encourages women to think, if I only I changed/did x or y he might be better and then they struggle on for some time with the men just coasting on their efforts without changing.

this. 💯

OP, I'm so angry on your behalf. What about YOUR needs? Let me guess, you've (like so many of us mothers) found a way to suppress your own needs/wants/desires as children and family take precedent.

That you do all the caretaking while he is out with friends and can't be bothered to lift a finger speaks more than his cruel words this last week.

Please get legal advice ASAP. The cruelest thing would you being responsible to care for him in his old age while caring for his children too.

DF is 80 and I'm 55 and DH and I are his caregivers. My DF's health changed drastically from 70 to 80, despite him being very healthy his entire life. Also, my DF is a kind man who's never yelled at me or my DSis, so I am more than happy to take care of him (and my children are mostly grown and independent).

This is so true. Yes, no sex has been a huge issue for him, actually didn’t start with our dd disability, oddly started when I put on quite a lot
of weight when she was little and he clearly didn’t find me attractive. That made me feel really low and pull away physically as he kept turning me down, then I lost weight and he was all over me and I just …. Couldn’t. He’d hurt me by making me feel unattractive when I was bigger. This then ran smack bang into the health stuff with Dd and it never recovered. But I do understand no sex is never going to help a marriage regardless of anything else going on

This sounds absolutely horrendous 😢
I would strongly recommend you leave this excuse for a man, sooner rather than later! Because I can see you caring for him too in his old age! I honestly dont think you'd be able to cope with that, on top of caring for your two young children. Put things in place as soon as possible. Time is not on your side and he doesn't deserve you. I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs..

You and your DH sound lovely. I cared for my dad for who died age 54 and cannot imagine caring for DH while also caring for our kids, were he to get ill too. There
are simply not enough hours.

Oh, 54 is too young! I'm so sorry.

I hope this support will help you protect yourself and your children.

Your husband sounds monstrous but you, OP, sounds like a good mother. Your instinct is to get your kids away from a man who will damage them and sounds like they already have enough to deal with, without an abusive father on top.

Everything about him sounds awful, a grumpy old man who doesnt help you at all, is selfish, is cruel to you and may even hate you. You deserve so much more than this. What did you learn about relationships growing up that made you believe you deserve so little?