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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end my marriage tomorrow

733 replies

Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 21:27

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

OP posts:
missspent · 18/02/2026 21:07

Shedding123 · 18/02/2026 19:18

For those with addiction knowledge/experience- is work addiction a likely move on addiction after a period of sobriety from alcohol? And now the 3-4 bottles on non alcoholic wine each night? I only highlight that as I so clearly remember him telling me years ago that non -alcoholic drinks are not allowed in AA fellowship

That is a lot of non alcoholic wine. There is a small amount of booze n most of them (like 0.5%) so it feels like he’s trying to get some buzz from them by having so much. Are you sure that they are definitely 0% and he’s not filling them with alcohol on the way home?

The reason that they are not recommended in recovery is that they are a slippery slope back to booze. They give you the taste and have some alcohol in them so it is only a skip and a jump back to the normal stuff

Holycowhowmuch · 18/02/2026 21:10

To divorce you have to have a financial settlement statement taking into account needs and allocating assets a mediation service is used by some solicitors. The mediation person sorts and allocates to the same rules as the judge. Proof of monies pensions savings et are required. Money removed isnt taken into account so proof now before solicitor may safeguard yourself.

Holycowhowmuch · 18/02/2026 21:10

To divorce you have to have a financial settlement statement taking into account needs and allocating assets a mediation service is used by some solicitors. The mediation person sorts and allocates to the same rules as the judge. Proof of monies pensions savings et are required. Money removed isnt taken into account so proof now before solicitor may safeguard yourself.

Warmlight1 · 18/02/2026 21:15

DotAndCarryOne2 · 18/02/2026 11:53

Responsible adults within a relationship, who love and respect each other, take responsibility for each others’ behaviour if they recognise that they are even partly the cause of it. If a man posted as OP has here, he’d be handed his arse on a plate for allowing the relationship to deteriorate to the point where his partner had to have a melt down in order to get his attention. There is fault on both sides. If her husband felt listened to he wouldn’t have exploded in front of his children - that’s a last resort when the pent up anger and resentment has reached boiling point. Why does he refer to her as manipulative and rude ? Why do you think that only the woman is allowed a point of view here ?

Two things stood out for me here. The fact that OP insists on sleeping with her DD every night. As far as I can see there is no actual medical need for this - OP admits she can’t sleep unless she is next to her. She also admits that they have been co-parenting essentially as house mates. This will undoubtedly have been a factor in DH’s outburst. It sounds to me as though he has tried to approach this in the past and has been stonewalled because OP is entirely focused on the children, to the exclusion of all else. And that isn’t a healthy foundation for any marriage either.

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"If her husband felt listened to he wouldn’t have exploded in front of his children - that’s a last resort when the pent up"
I do not think this follows. Plenty people explode and it's not because of the people they've exploded at.

sharkstale · 18/02/2026 21:21

the7Vabo · 18/02/2026 21:04

But you said in one of your posts you think he is more tired in the last while & the kids demand a lot, but by the sounds of things he doesn’t do a huge amount with them anyway. So would he be able to cope with getting up in the night?

I think your blind spot almost about his age really isn’t helping. At your age you can’t understand what it feels like to be 27 years older.

Maybe and it’s just my theory obviously if you approached it with an understanding that he might have less ability to cope it might help you feel less frustrated.

Show quote history

I'm not excusing any of the things I've read throughout this thread (the loan for medical expenses, hiding 2k a month etc), but I have to agree with the age thing. My mum is 68 and is going bloody good for her age, but she finds one night with my dd (age 9) absolutely exhausting. She used to have her over for a weekend (Fri and Sat nights) now and then, but a while back that changed to one night sleepovers as she's too old now to do it.

loislovesstewie · 18/02/2026 21:22

68 is old. I'm that age and truthfully, I can't do things as fast or as long as I did 5 or 10 years ago. When I was younger I looked at men that age and thought ' God you are slow, what's wrong with you'. Well, it creeps up on you. You find you can't do the same things. Socializing, having a hobby isn't the same as working. I know I couldn't look after kids full time anymore. FWIW I have 2 adult children living with me, they both have disabilities. It's knackering despite the fact that they are adults.
I'm not making excuses for him, just stating that 68 is, actually, old.

ThiagoJones · 18/02/2026 21:23

the7Vabo · 18/02/2026 20:27

He’s 68 years of age. 4 times is more than some people have to get up for a newborn at less than half his age. He also has to go to work the next day.
They could still be intimate & then split up.

I feel for both OP & DH in what feels like an impossibly difficult situation.

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Yes I’m aware of that. I also have a disabled child who still wakes multiple times a night, and has done for 8 years. I know how hard that is, and the OP is taking on that burden all by herself. I’m not surprised she doesn’t feel up to a quick shag before she starts her night shift of caring, alongside her day job.
Yes it’s hard. Yes he’s old. It’s also his child, and you have to step up for the children you chose to have.

CalmAzureMaker · 18/02/2026 21:25

Don’t worry about the children too much, kids bounce, they really do. Especially if their family is generally happy and steady.

It must feel impossible sometimes with all the additional needs. You both must feel mad with all the stress.

Do you still love each other? Is he genuinely sorry to you and the children?

marriage isn’t all hearts and flowers and instagram shots all the time.It’s sometimes bloody hard work.
It’s good for children to learn that too.

though I get it’s crap that you’ve had this huge row on holiday… just a bad holiday, though , we all have those, even though people don’t talk about them.

it doesn’t have to portend anything else unless you need it too.

Warmlight1 · 18/02/2026 21:28

Starlight7080 · 18/02/2026 14:06

He is to old and selfish to cope with young children . Especially ones with additional needs.
This is one main reason not to marry and have kids with older men. You know they are selfish from get go. Why else do they need a relationship with much younger people. They often have left previous wife/kids after not coping with the responsibility.
He sounds awful.
You are obviously a brilliant mum who is trying her best given his lack of support.
No point staying with him. He will want to you to care for him and it sounds like you will have your hands full with your daughter.
He isnt going to change he will only get more selfish.

You are considering a different method is all. It's not failure. It may be that that change will ultimately save your relationship. You both still have the qualities which you had before.
The presence of the special needs/ disabilities is a profound factor in any family trajectory.
Have you ever been assessed for help on the basis if the children's disability? ? Notwithstanding the relationship.

WalkAway7 · 18/02/2026 21:30

Chestnutmarenutjob · 17/02/2026 22:30

Very helpful. 🙄

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While I agree that it is not helpful, OP did decided to marry a man 27 years older who suffered addiction problems in his 20s, 30s and early 40s and have children to him when he was aged 55 and 59 years. There is a reason why this is not the norm. Having/rearing/enjoying children is a younger person’s game - it means being energy and interested. Her DH is not that.

Warmlight1 · 18/02/2026 21:31

Shedding123 · 18/02/2026 14:08

Also.
huge thanks for the very kind comments about me being a good mum. I try, and often feel I get it wrong. Medical mum stuff can feel relentlessly hard and I don’t feel I’m ever good enough as I can’t make life simple for my 2 kids. Wish I could.

I wonder if you've ever been assessed in relation to the children's disabilities.

ThiagoJones · 18/02/2026 21:33

As an aside, my dad is 72 and he has my disabled son overnight once a month and takes him on a 3 night holiday every year to give me some respite. If he can manage overnight care for his disabled grandson, the OP’s husband can manage the odd night for his own child.

the7Vabo · 18/02/2026 21:39

ThiagoJones · 18/02/2026 21:23

Yes I’m aware of that. I also have a disabled child who still wakes multiple times a night, and has done for 8 years. I know how hard that is, and the OP is taking on that burden all by herself. I’m not surprised she doesn’t feel up to a quick shag before she starts her night shift of caring, alongside her day job.
Yes it’s hard. Yes he’s old. It’s also his child, and you have to step up for the children you chose to have.

Edited
Show quote history

I have a lot of empathy for the OP’s situation. I have no doubt for both of you it is very hard. And clearly the man is not without fault, and should be doing more.

But should be doing more to the extent of his abilities. Denying that 68 is old isn’t helping the situation IMO.

ThiagoJones · 18/02/2026 21:43

the7Vabo · 18/02/2026 21:39

I have a lot of empathy for the OP’s situation. I have no doubt for both of you it is very hard. And clearly the man is not without fault, and should be doing more.

But should be doing more to the extent of his abilities. Denying that 68 is old isn’t helping the situation IMO.

Show quote history

My post literally says ‘yes he’s old’. Where’s the denial?
I don’t think being old absolves you from doing any of the care for your child, who you chose to have when you were old. And if that is the position you take, I don’t think you can expect your wife to work all day, care for your children all evening, then find time for a quick shag before taking on the night shift alone.

ThiagoJones · 18/02/2026 21:44

Warmlight1 · 18/02/2026 21:31

I wonder if you've ever been assessed in relation to the children's disabilities.

Show quote history

Assessed for what?

CharlotteByrde · 18/02/2026 21:51

I strongly suspect that he has relapsed. The irrational anger, constant vanishing acts and going back to non-alcoholic wine are very suspicious. He may well be drinking 0% wine in front of you and the real stuff during his extra 'working' hours.

Original poster
Shedding123 · 18/02/2026 21:53

I don’t mean he’s not chronologically old; I mean he doesn’t act or seem “old” in the truest sense. If he was physically exhausted, struggling to work, health problems etc I’d be quicker to say he’s “just” old.
but he isn’t tired, he’s extremely fit (starts each day with 500 press-ups, sit ups etc) his hobby is physically very demanding, he chooses to work extra hours for no financial gain he just enjoys it, he sleeps 8 hours a night and isn’t tired in the morning. BUT that aside, the bottom line is even if he was a more cliched old man it doesn’t change the fact he fathered them so he has to step up and if he’s tired / narky maybe drop the hobby/ extra work hours and be home and present more and go to bed earlier. I also don’t think being “old” whatever that subjectively looks like is an excuse to randomly erupt, swear and scare and belittle your child. Spring chicken or on your last day on earth, that is just not ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shedding123 · 18/02/2026 21:55

Sorry I just saw I wrote 3-4 bottles a night, I mean 3-4 large glasses. Still a bit odd I think not bottles.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shedding123 · 18/02/2026 21:58

Warmlight1 · 18/02/2026 21:31

I wonder if you've ever been assessed in relation to the children's disabilities.

Show quote history

Assessed for what? Both children receive high rate DLA, and we have a council tax reduction for a room in the house being used for medical equipment. Not sure what else we would be entitled to, respite has been offered but both kids are too unsettled there and I just get called within the hour to collect them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shedding123 · 18/02/2026 21:59

CharlotteByrde · 18/02/2026 21:51

I strongly suspect that he has relapsed. The irrational anger, constant vanishing acts and going back to non-alcoholic wine are very suspicious. He may well be drinking 0% wine in front of you and the real stuff during his extra 'working' hours.

The anger out of nowhere and then the flip back to “all is fine tra la la” the next morning does make me worry this.

OP posts:
the7Vabo · 18/02/2026 22:02

ThiagoJones · 18/02/2026 21:43

My post literally says ‘yes he’s old’. Where’s the denial?
I don’t think being old absolves you from doing any of the care for your child, who you chose to have when you were old. And if that is the position you take, I don’t think you can expect your wife to work all day, care for your children all evening, then find time for a quick shag before taking on the night shift alone.

Show quote history

Was referring to the OP’s position on his age.

DH needs to do what he can do, but there are things he possibly can’t do at 68.

And I only said they could sleep together & not sleep the whole night together as clearly sleeping next to DD isn’t necessarily a barrier to that. But the OP has already explained why they aren’t & for what’s it worth I see her point.

Gizzywizzywoo · 18/02/2026 22:03

Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 21:38

Daughter is 9. Son is 13. I knew he was angry in general but this just rocked me to the core, he just wouldn’t stop in front of them. Awful things like “you disrespect me like your mother does” to our daughter who was sitting shaking😥

How old are you op? Is he much older than you because the way hes talking about you in front on your kids sounds to me like he thinks hes the boss and what he says goes , i think i saw in a previous post hes 68? Ive only read this far down so far so will keep reading but do not put up with that from him, take this week away to think about your next steps once your all home . He has a nerve to tell you yo be grateful
Just who does this man think he is!?!?! 😡

PURPLErainiswhatmadePrincegreat · 18/02/2026 22:04

How did you end up paying the bills and all else and he just transferring...this is normally the other way round, the bigger earner pays for everything majour and the lower earner tops them up

the7Vabo · 18/02/2026 22:05

Shedding123 · 18/02/2026 21:58

Assessed for what? Both children receive high rate DLA, and we have a council tax reduction for a room in the house being used for medical equipment. Not sure what else we would be entitled to, respite has been offered but both kids are too unsettled there and I just get called within the hour to collect them.

Show quote history

Is that normal for respite? Are the staff is respite not trained to deal with this? Surely the whole point is that you need to a break?

ThiagoJones · 18/02/2026 22:09

We get respite care for our son. 9.30am- 12.30pm, one Saturday a month. I usually use it to catch up on my hours at work, as I often have to take time off for medical appointments in the week.