To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

As an ex alcoholic I can tell you it's on old trick to fill bottles with water (to look like you haven't drunk it) so filling 0% booze with the real McCoy would be easy. I doubt many people would drink 3-4 bottles of af wine, it's too sweet.

They're not all sweet but they're a poor substitute for real wine. I don't believe anyone would drink 3 or 4 bottles on their own. There's loads of much nicer non alcohol options if you're thirsty.

Don't most people drink them at social events when they can’t or don't want to have alcohol just to fit in?

Because her husband is financially abusing her

They do. I only know one person who drinks an AF bottle a night but they're early days in their recovery.

I read that it was HE who wanted the second child. A man of 55 when first was born is delusional enough to think he is young enough, and he was 59 and looks like fit. What nobody signs up for is not expecting healthy independent children. 68 and looking after himself is fine to parent - he is just selfish in not standing up when they turned out to be more work than he expected.

This!

The op also said it’s because her daughter’s oxygen alarms go off 3/4 times a night. Being able to quickly check her to sort things, rather than changing rooms countless times a night makes a lot of sense.

Maybe. It it wasn’t just her having to get up in the night, and this poor husband you’ve concocted helped, then it wouldn’t be so bad.

Yes. DH and I manage to mainly sleep in the same room despite our son needing night time care, but that’s because we share the care. If it was just me doing it, I’d definitely be sleeping in DS’s room with him.

Morning everyone. Think I’m entering cold feet territory, not helped by fact he’s in major nice guy mode. I’m going to make myself go to the family law appt to get a feel of what would happen next and what I need to do. Also need to look into booking a CAB appt to go over what benefits I could get when this all kicks off and he in theory leaves. That will not be easy.

i can’t thank all on you enough, very isolated so this is just so so so supportive here

You have nothing to lose by researching your options. It doesn't commit you to anything but it will give you valuable information which you can use to make decisions.

You think your mum should have stayed with your awful birth father???

It's worth remembering that if you stay for financial reasons, he can still decide he wants a divorce and then you'd have to find a way to deal with it anyway, without the advantage of forewarning.

Totally agree with this. Get all the information you can, it doesn't mean you need to make a decision right now - they are two separate things.

Sending you a big hug

You've quoted a comment from 13:48 yesterday, but the OP didn't mention the alarms going off 3-4 times per night until 14:05 yesterday.

I'm thinking the nice guy stuff is particularly aimed at your son.

From what you wrote he was the one begging him to stop the other night, and is now confused as to why he's acting like nothings happened. You mentioned that if a split happened he'd turned the son against you.

If he's not actually addressed the shouting so much he made your DD cry (and accused her, I mean FFS), then all this nice guy stuff is gaslighting.

Well done OP. You're not committing to anything by gathering this information. It's better to know exactly where you stand, then you can take some time to think about it all.

Yes softly softly. Always easier said than done but you have many brilliant bits of advice to keep you on that road. From my experience men who attach to women near three decades younger are needing to be seen as younger, attractive, you a trophy. And now life has intervened and you and the children are no longer trophies. He is shallow. He is self obsessed and he might be a little scared now that he has gone too far but you can’t trust him. Seriously quietly leave him and live in peace with your children.. Keep calm. Act from quiet strength. You know you are right.

Needs to get medical help - this is not good enough for any of them

But he’s as fit as a flea. Does 500 press ups a day, an endurance sport, busy social life, fulfilling career, no financial issues and no family commitments because he has opted out.

He lives as very well rounded, work/life balanced, relaxed lifestyle - he’s not going anywhere until most likely he is the one who chooses to walk on retirement (seems like he is way ahead of OP on what his financial situation would be at that point because he taunts her with zero maintenance because he’s retired).

OP and her DC however are much more likely to have their physical and mental health eroded by the neglect he inflicts on his wife and children - amd more so if this overt abuse / DA / emotional violence is repeated. This isn’t a sustainable situation. Even if you all ‘bounce back’ from these incidents there will be residual irrevocable damage that will consolidate and compound silently over time.

Have a read up on abusive relationships @2026Y- his ‘nice’ behaviour after an outburst is contrived and self serving. It’s a well known part of the ‘nice / nasty’ cycle of abusive men - who like to draw you back into punching distance so that they have someone to target and discharge their frustrations and nastiness on.

She did indeed. Nearly twenty minutes after I posted the comment your are responding to. You can only post based on the information you have at the time.

How does that work ? They share the marital home and each has a right to be there. She can’t change the locks or he’ll just get an occupation order. She can ask him to leave but she can’t force him.

Agree. Individual debt is not automatically shared in a divorce, but it is often treated as a joint responsibility in any financial settlement. OP’s debt is in her name only so the debt would remain legally hers. The court would look at whether it can be considered part of the joint matrimonial pot to achieve a fair, overall split, especially if the debt was for the family's benefit. Which OP’s was.

Would either of them qualify for local authority home carers ? It sounds as though you need someone to take over at night. Many local authorities offer a night sitter for a few hours - it wouldn’t be every night, but based on need you may qualify. Might be worth enquiring. Also, you would qualify for a disabled facilities grant if your home needed to be adapted for the childrens’ nees.

@Shedding123

Please, please keep that appointment! Seeing a solicitor doesn't mean you are going to 'do anything'. You are just educating yourself as to what your choices are and what each choice may mean for you. Then you'll be able to make an informed decision.

Keep in mind also that it's absolutely the normal thing for someone who knows they've fucked up to 'play nice' afterwards. It's to allay your fears and confuse you. You can enjoy the 'peace' but always keep in the back of your mind that it will not last. He has let his 'control' go and he knows it. But he also knows (as far as he knows) that you are doing nothing in response to it. Keep it that way until you've figure out what is best, and feasible, for you and DC.

That's completely understandable but it's also what abusers do when they sense they're losing the person or really messed up, it's called love bombing or hoovering in terms of narcissistic abuse. My mother is a true clinically defined narcissist so I know what it feels like to be kept off balance all the time while questioning myself and thinking it's not to9 bad after all....it is that bad. Don't let him fool you.

While he's in a nice mood maybe gently bring the other night up and say that you'd appreciate it if you both dealt with issues away from the children and not do what happened again. See how he reacts. If he takes responsibility then that's fine, my guess is that he won't and his mask will slip.