To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

It was my first thought too. For the same reasons.

He's checked out of the marriage because he's got disabled kids. OP not meeting his needs means he wants more sex and for her to run round after him not the children. Men with this mentality make shit fathers.

I'm guessing the unagreed medical expenses OP has could be for IVF and he never really wanted kids in the first place, but like the coward most bullies are he wouldn't say it because then she'd leave him.

So I just saw the medical expenses was for DD, so that's a household expense then, not your personal debt OP. Not in a divorce.

£2250/month on fuck knows what? That doesn't sound like an affair that sounds like prostitutes/escorts or maybe a second family. I'm not convinced he's at work eves/weekends or that it's a hobby trip/holiday he's taking each year.

He so obviously hates women/girls too. He just likes the things they do - housework, sex and childcare. And the second income they provide now we're all supposedly equal...

Speak to women's aid about how to go about splitting. You could be someone who either needs to have him removed from the house (but that might mean waiting until he's actually been obviously violent towards you) or leaving yourself with the kids and telling him by text after you've gone. He sounds unstable, under the influence and potentially dangerous. I wouldn't fancy telling him his maid service, old age carer and income support is making herself unavailable for the foreseeable future. And that he'll have to pay child support unless he looks after his own kids. That's going to go down like a lead balloon, I wouldn't want to be in the same building as him at the time.

It's very bad advice to suggest that she changes the locks etc. If they both have an interest in the property whether as joint owners or tenants neither party can do this. A court order would be required to effect that. If you thought about it logically, he could do that if you think just changing the locks etc was legal.

Take your time, don't rush. Act normal, don't ask him about the money or anything out of the ordinary. If he's saving the money this might tip him off to hide it etc. Get your ducks in a row. Let him suspect nothing until you have legal advice and things in place. He's more likely to become nasty and aggressive if he thinks things are ending.

This is from someone who did not follow this advice, waited too long and was too scared/ in denial to get things in place and was left with nothing.

Hope you're doing ok.

JFC how on earth have you managed to read OP's posts and come to the conclusion that OP is as much to blame as her DH and that she should apologise to him? You have also suggested that OP is a bad parent too. Do you have any evidence to back up that claim? He screamed at his kids because he was angry that OP (somewhat sarcastically) asked if he intended to help her with his own kids. OP has admitted that she shouldn't have been sarcastic.

OP working on the relationship would just mean that OP never expects any practical or emotional support from her DH and has sex with him whenever he wants.

As well as being an indifferent and neglectful father, he is also financially abusive.

OP doesn't need to change who she is. She sounds like a great mum in really difficult circumstances and she has plenty of self-awareness, unlike her utter cunt of a husband.

Why do you regret getting away from this horrible man about whom you have nothing good to say?

@thepariscrimefiles I don't think she's to blame per se. But I do think she's unreasonable. He's an OAP and she expects him to act like a man 20 years younger. But her mistakes aren't necessarily now. They were having a family with a man she knew would be elderly while they were raising their children.

She's basically reaping what she sowed unfortunately. Old man. Old sperm. Disabilities because of this. Wanting him to step up at a time of him moving into senility and the last decade of his life. It just isn't possible/going to happen.

So she's not to blame, per se, but literally everything is her fault and her mistake, and he should be allowed to marry a woman 30 years lyounger, have kids when he's much too old for it, and it's all on her because "she knew", like he didn't.

Together with the posters on here agreeing that everyone in a family except the angry old man is responsible for his choices and behaviour, children being called "manipulative", women being accused of being insane and irrational for rebutting people, and one person even telling me I was not "entitled" to draw an independent conclusion about his post and contradict him, and it seems we have a lot of people here who really, really want horrid men to do whatever they want while much younger wives and even disabled children take all the blame. I wonder why that is.

Yes, I did inc the one where she said he’s tired and that the kids have been a lot. And that’s now when he doesn’t care for the kids?

The man exploded & some of the stuff he said was awful, but you can all encourage the OP to walk away from her marriage & just go back to your lives. It may be in her best interests to try to mend it. Only she can decide that.

Clearly the OP is exhausted and needs more help. Leaving him may result in her being even more alone with two very high needs kids. That is the thing I’d be most concerned about.

and you definitely will have half of his pension

I'm not a lawyer, but i think the OP would only be able to claim half the pension that's accrued since they had kids, but he'd also be entitled to half her pension that's accrued during that time. Given their wage disparities, she'd end up getting some money, but I doubt it's going to be a huge payment.

Let’s judge his parenting then.

100% checked out - emotionally and practically from his two children. Not physically available by active choice every evening, chooses not to eat with them, chooses to sit in another room, is out socially, has demanding hobby which he prioritises over family time, takes chunks of weekends away from the family. Intentionally and visibly doesn’t co-parent. Deprives the family of family money.

All of that is neglect.

Why would anyone want to inflict that on their children.

Then he openly verbally violently attacked their DM. NSPCC declare a child witnessing DA is experiencing DA.

But that’s not enough he has to go on to rage and rant at his disabled little girl and personally degrade and annihilate her character with his emotionally violent tirade.

We are now in emotional abuse territory alongside the neglect of children.

If he marriage was a romantic bed of roses she would be negligent and therefore complicit in child abuse to leave her child exposed to this man.

We also seem to have this army of people who think women en masse just skip away without thought from happy, stable marriages based on one row. It's so plain and clear and well established that they're much, much more likely to stay for years or forever in a miserable marriage with an arsehole, even if it's abusive, that one has to wonder where they got such a distorted idea of the actual trends.

Priority for housing

They're mortgage free.

change the locks

That's illegal. He owns half the house and it is classed as abuse.

You can stay and force him to pay mortgage if you have one, and they will foreclose if he does not pay, and your eviction will trigger housing paid for.

There is no mortgage, but if there was that would leave the OP completely destitute. Is that good advice compared to leaving and applying for a council or housing association house (which she and the kids would probably get as a priority) and then selling the house?

File for legal separation first citing his abuse in front of the children.

One isolated, non-violent marital argument doesn't really constitute 'abuse in front of the children'.

Indeed. What an odd post.

BTW, the homeless legislation has always said that a local authority does not have to house a person if s/he has the means to financially provide housing for themselves. So whether by means of purchase with or without a mortgage, or by means of private rent. There is no guarantee that the local authority would house her.

All the people here advising the OP to skip away almost & grab money don’t have to live with the consequence.

There are two high needs kids here. One very high needs.

DH clearly isn’t dad of the year but he does provide an income, and keep the house clean. And as the kids get older he is physically in the house with the kids should OP need to go out. And she has to factor in if he does pass away in the next 10-15 years is she better off married to him or not financially.

These kids may well be with the OP for years and they need to be paid for and provided for. On a clinical level the OP needs to work out whether she’s better off married or not.

On an emotional level, if they were in love 10 years ago maybe it’s possible to get it back with input from both.

If his outbursts were to become regular thing that would be different obviously.

I am the first person to be down on men. But honestly. Reproducing with a man who is almost 60? That is my age now. It's wrong.

She's got a somewhat likely chance that at some point he's going to die due to his age. In which case the issue will be solved.

I think you might need a forensic accountant @Shedding123 , unless anyone else has knowledge of how to find hidden monies within a marriage.

Reading some of these defences of the OP’s husband like 😦, what is wrong with some of you!?

I'm not sure where ' there is' Overnight breaks are a high end service usually with a location attached- - but have you seen the assessment of their needs by a social.worket and had any discussion with from your local.disabled children team of a direct payment to pay a Personal Assistant, or offered care workers who might build a relationship and be able to help bring one or other out on short trips?.Whatever works for them?
It may be a bit tangential.but this is a way for you to have some space and share the work.
You are also entitled to a carers assessment of your role and needs as a carer and that might be quite a helpful document for you .

‘Reproducing as a man who is almost 60 is wrong’

My ex far shamed my daughter when she was going through chemo. He did nothing, we were on our own. I left him just before the chemo ended. Couldn't take anymore, I'd had 19 years of it. My daughter said why didn't you leave him sooner? The children will be affected by the atmosphere and probably happier out of it where they can be themselves

Obviously that's not funny but I did give a bit of a harsh laugh...

Still, there's something so nasty and plain ignorant about all these people who think women as a class are so thick and shallow that they just ditch husbands and split families on a whim because of one tiff in an otherwise solid and loving and happy marriage. (It happens on lots of threads, not just this one.)

When a couple split, apparently out of the blue, it was never just that one thing. How many threads do we get on here by someone who seems to be upset over one thing but the more they talk, the clearer it becomes that it's actually symptomatic of a much wider, deeper and more serious situation?

It probably has a connection to a mindset that thinks it doesn't have to engage with anything a woman says if she's not pleasing because it's totally reasonable just to dismiss it as insanity or hysteria or entitlement.

I agree with you. This is not just one outburst, this is him saying she had put on too much weight after having his child a decade ago, having digs about his "needs" (come on, we all know what that means) and generally giving the impression he hates and resents the OP. This is just the first time he has aimed it at the kids. If he does retire and is already bored for small pockets at home what will it be like when he is at home all week?

As for him dying to solve the problem - if he lives to age 80 which is not uncommon their daughter will be 21. That's her entire childhood gone.

If I am honest I think it's moot because the more I read the more I think he has relapsed which would be the end for me.

Along with the unpleasantly even more likely chance that she will spend the last 5 years or so of his life being his carer ☹️

@Shedding123 don't worry about posts like the one from @Hertiness . Of course some of your behaviours (both recent and historically) have contributed to the situation you find yourself in now.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

A relationship isn't a balance sheet.

It's tempting, I know, to think "oh if I hadn't done this he might not have done that" ... but that won't help you in this situation. What matters is whether or not the relationship has become intolerable - and only you know that.