To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

What is the legal basis for you saying if you have been married a while all debts are shared? And what constitutes “a while” for these purposes? And you say this is even more true if it is for medical expenses for the daughter. Based on what? And if the first statement was true how can it be more true?

Hi , how likely is he to fight you for access to the kids ? Probably won’t . You can get an order to stay in your home anyway until the kids are independent enough and you definitely will have half of his pension . I say see a solicitor and start preparing your exit

It can be, it just depends on the child and their needs. For us, the children get so distressed going somewhere new without me staying it’s not worth the 4 hour deregulation after it. Occasionally it goes ok and I get 2 hours to myself on a Saturday but it’s the exception rather than the norm.

i don’t think he’d fight for access. But I don’t know as he can get nasty when angry. I’d never ever stop him trying to see them, indeed I know they would both want to see him. But neither would want to stay overnight with him without me and I think (not certain) at their ages family court would take their views into consideration

Exactly. Some of these posters are ridiculous. "oh boo hoo, the poor man has to work in-between his hobbies and not helping with the kids". Cry me a fucking river. If he can do hundreds of push ups he can do some nights helping with the oxygen.

My son is on holiday right now with his 72 year old grandparents. He is 7.

That is a bloody awful situation.

I cannot begin to start to comprehend what you're going through, lass.

There are online solicitors - advice given depends on your payment offer - I used one for my dd's breakup - £30.

I suspect Alec Baldwin looks broken because he never really got over accidentally shooting a woman on set and the possibility he was going to be done for involuntary manslaughter - and he has 7 children under 13 with his current wife, not 2.

It's not about "resources", I just think some people picture Victor Meldrew when they think of a 68 year old when he's the same age as Jeremy Clarkson/Simon Cowell/countless other men still fit and working.

Am i the only one thinking he’s having an affair?

the fitness, the long hours, disparaging during the weekends, gaslighting, arguments, secret cash are just few classics

I’ve read all the ops posts and it just makes my blood boil that her husband is such a terrible waste of space. He’s an awful human being so it wouldn’t surprise me if he was shagging someone on the side.

HE DOESN'T CARE FOR THE CHILDREN. She does all the care. ALL of it. Have you read the OP's posts?

Fuck me, the lack of reading comprehension from some people honestly floors me.

Grade A arsehole.

He sleeps eight hours a night, whilst his wife gets woken 4 times a night.

Then he whines that he's not getting enough sex.

Fuck that shit.

The fact that people are STILL going 'but there's two sides to every story' when he sleeps like a bloody king, says it all.

It doesn’t excuse him, but there’s not many 68 year olds that would want to be looking after children full time, it’s more of a Grandparent age than a Father’s. Most 68 year olds would rather be reading a book than responsible for youngsters. What on earth was he thinking having kids at 55 and 59 years old, he must of known what it would entail.

I can’t see your situation getting any better until your kids are adult tbh. Your DH seems to want to retire from ALL work, he told you as much ‘if you leave he’ll retire’. He possibly wants you to leave with the kids but hasn’t the guts to walk out himself.

Throw HIM out

Just a thank you to everyone for the support, handhold And advice. I’ve booked an initial appt with a family law specialist to talk everything through and see what would be next steps / pitfalls/ realistic and recommended aims.

Are you in the UK? Your benefit income will be as a single parent with 2 children. Carer's allowance for your DD. Priority for housing, but how about showing him the door, change the locks and put his clothes into cases outside. You can stay and force him to pay mortgage if you have one, and they will foreclose if he does not pay, and your eviction will trigger housing paid for. File for legal separation first citing his abuse in front of the children.
Stop doing anything for him - no cooking, washing etc unless he decides to shoulder his responsibilities.
Get help with your DD - you cannot survive on no sleep

He's drinking 3 or 4 bottles a night?

That won't be 0%. You just wouldn't drink that volume of 0% wine. He must be swapping the bottles out.

So that explains where the money is going. 3 to 4 bottles a night has got to be £20 or £30 a night 😲 . Could easily add up to £1000 a month!

@Shedding123 this sounds awful situation for you and your kids
Have you any family that you could go live with.
Is your daughters health problems caused by his drinking in his youth maybe that is what annoys him that he is the reason the child has the problems.
I would have left when he wouldn't contribute to the medical bills

Sorry I typed too fast - 3-4 large glasses, not bottles a night!

Sadly no family, my mum is in a care home and that’s all the family I have here.

Phew. That's a relief

As you appear to be the primary carer of your children, you would probably be allowed to stay in your current home until the youngest child is 18. He could move out and leave the three of you in situ. He could then find a place for himself and have reasonable access to the children. Please seek advice from a solicitor.

My ex had an affair because I was taken up all the time with a premature baby that needed feeding every two hours and then developed three month colic whilst at the same time the episiotomy that I had was stitched crookedly and got infected do we could not have sex immediately after I came home. He was jealous of all the attention I gave our son which had normally been given to him. He started an affair with a friend of my ne. I asked for an immediate divorce which I regret. Most men are nothing more than big, and often dangerous, children who need attention and if they do not get it they selfishly go elsewhere to get it.I feel that you cannot give up on the marriage as you need it financially and practically and the children need a father around. You need to let him know that you understand that he is exhausted with the situation but so are you. If he is missing the old you pre kids day then let his know you miss the old him too. In the meantime say you need his help. Can you both get away for a night and get a carer in for the children? When have you ever been able to have some “we” time”Any nearby relatives who could sit in for a day or two? Let you both go somewhere to relax? Would this help perhaps?

I absolutely own that I was passive aggressive, and that I do think he feels neglected/ second place. In no way do I think I’m a great or even a good wife. However I do know the reason for that, that while he has
pulled back from the care aspects of our childlren’s care I have gone in the opposite direction, frankly because I had to in order to keep at least DD alive. This has come at the cost of our relationship. BUT we were away for a break, everyone happy, and he suddenly just “checks out”, disappearing into his own space out of nowhere and ignoring the fights and seeming distant and then erupting at our DD and then me. That is not ok. A conversation yes; even a sad or hard one but not in front of the kids 😭

Are you sure it's really low alcohol wine he's drinking and not that he's replaced it with the real thing and is just reusing the same cover bottles?

Also, even 0% alcohol, or alcohol free isn't completely alcohol free. There are small amounts of alcohol in all of them, so drinking that much a day.. if it really is the proper alcohol free stuff, would mean he could still be getting a buzz from it.