To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

He’s 68 years of age. 4 times is more than some people have to get up for a newborn at less than half his age. He also has to go to work the next day.
They could still be intimate & then split up.

I feel for both OP & DH in what feels like an impossibly difficult situation.

Did you read that the OP works too? Oh of course not, why am I even asking.

You know who else is in their 60s? Gary Lineker. Brad Pitt. Colin Firth. 68 and well enough to work 7 days a week, go on holiday alone and socialise several times a week is not an old man.

I hope so and I think so, but I do worry as DS idolises him and I think is at a tricky age for the “divorce” word 😢I think DH will tell him it’s all me, I’m breaking up the family and sending him away etc, he is absolutely selfish enough to do this sadly

that is so so kind, I try, I really want to make life as ok for them as possible

this is so kind and so strengthening it’s made me cry (in a good way!)

Sadly not. My mum has dementia and my brother lives abroad. No other family.

He is behaving like that because he thinks he financially has you over a barrel.
Time to get ducks in a row and go.
He's horrible. The fact that he will sit in room and read while u doing all the work and then hits the roof when confronted. Yeah that says it all.
Enough. Start over.

I’m not sure what you mean? He doesn’t get up with her, I do, and 4 walks from one room to the next across the admittedly small landing was killing me each night so at least now I just have to roll over to check and reset/ resettle. I also work full time just from home (I could earn a bit more doing my job F2F but can’t fathom that working with the amount of medical admin i am able to do working from home and count myself very lucky for that).
The idea of padding between my DD room to shag DH is just mad to me, when he isn’t very kind in these outburst moments which happen more and more frequently now, though last night was the first one he wouldn’t stop in front of the kids and brought DD into it (indeed snarled at her)

I’ve read almost all the OP’s posts. And as I said in the post you’ve quoted I feel for her

68 is old to have a 9 year old, in fact it’s very old to have a 9 year old. The vast majority of 68 year olds are granddads not dads. Listing famous men with huge resources adds nothing to the argument. Look at Alec Baldwin. Nannies up to his eyeballs & the man looks broken with exhaustion.

Are you sure the non-alcoholic wine bottle still contains non-alcoholic wine? My brother would have tipped the non-alcoholic wine away and refilled with wine behind his wife’s back so he could pretend he wasn’t drinking alcohol.

But he sleeps 8 hours a night, he wanted a second child and most importantly he is not tired enough to choose to work extra for free, hobby twice a week and socialise and have a hobby trip week away each year. That doesn’t SCREAM exhaustion to me.

I know you do, I was responding to another post that said he should pitch in. And to some extent he should. But he is 68.

Id do the same btw if I had to wake up 4 times a night there’s no way I wouldn’t be in the bed beside DD.

I really feel for you. But I do wonder, abusive comments aside, if you expect more than a 68 year old can realistically give.

What does he do for a living that he stays late every night ? And you say pops into work for a couple of hours on weekends? Are you sure that's where he is? You sound like an amazingly supportive Mother and I wish you happiness going forward.

I'm so sorry. Trying and risking to do too many things at once!

i don’t want to be too outing so I’ll say vaguely nhs management. He absolutely does not need to work past his contract hours, that is a choice.
and thank you so so much for being so kind about me as a mum.

Are you saying that 68 is not old? it is when you are talking about caring for two children with additional needs. Enjoying yourself with your mates isn’t comparable.

And when he said he’d step up to have kids, he may well have meant it but ten years later have found he can’t deliver.

I think you need to calm down.

I don’t think it’s ancient, no! He’s fit and well and enjoys work, hobbies, socialising, he just doesn’t seem exhausted, in fact he mostly complains of feeling bored at home. and I think if you choose to have kids you have to dig deep when it gets hard / tiring / not what you thought 9 years on no matter what age.

I’m in AA ( 18 years ) and his behaviour goes against how people in recovery normally act ..is he still attending meetings ? He might need some people outside of the home to talk to . Has he still got a sponsor ? If he hasn’t relapsed , he’s acting like a “dry drunk” and it’s emotionally unsafe for you and your children . Who wants to be waiting around for the next inappropriate outburst ! Don’t put up with this , if he can’t show regret for how he acted then he’s in denial about the impact his behaviour is having and unless he wants to sit and talk reasonably then plan to break up. No one should put up with this anger. It will be hard but you sound like you’re made of strong stuff and you WILL cope somehow. Good luck.

I forget sometimes that blokes like this honestly don't realise how much we hear this shite and they honestly think it's original and funny, or at least incredibly cutting.

Let me guess, your dog has no nose?

its a good thing he’s addicted to work, that means he won’t retire when you leave

and if he does you will get child support through his pension.

But you said in one of your posts you think he is more tired in the last while & the kids demand a lot, but by the sounds of things he doesn’t do a huge amount with them anyway. So would he be able to cope with getting up in the night?

I think your blind spot almost about his age really isn’t helping. At your age you can’t understand what it feels like to be 27 years older.

Maybe and it’s just my theory obviously if you approached it with an understanding that he might have less ability to cope it might help you feel less frustrated.

Given that UK life expectancy for men is 79, he's definitely old.

I mean, I get that he was horrible. But he's an old man. I think you need to adjust your expectations if you plan to stay married. Personally, it sounds to me as if you'd both be better off alone.

Some great advice here OP. Please see a solicitor asap before doing anything, and be mindful of the advice upthread about ensuring that he cannot take his lump sum out of the equation. You need legal help to protect your children’s future. Good luck.

Somebody else posted up thread that Child Maintenance is only £3.50 if the person is retired.