To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

Get this nasty, selfish man out and your son's lovely friends can be round instead.

How dare he complain about the friends' impact on the food bill when he's hiding an extra £2k a month somewhere.

On the work side, it could be an affair, but it is equally plausible that he's transferred his addictive tendencies into becoming a workaholic instead.

Thank you so much, that’s so kind. I’m very very isolated IRL so this support means more than you can know

I honestly think it’s the latter (oddly)

Get the hell out of this marriage. He's horrible and very, very soon you'll become his carer too.

I’m thinking he has checked out for sure and possibly an affair of some sort

For those with addiction knowledge/experience- is work addiction a likely move on addiction after a period of sobriety from alcohol? And now the 3-4 bottles on non alcoholic wine each night? I only highlight that as I so clearly remember him telling me years ago that non -alcoholic drinks are not allowed in AA fellowship

I’m currently doing my best game face and being civil for kids sake. He’s acting as though absolutely nothing at all happened last night.

I have been following this thread and I have to say, OP, you sound lovely and your H sounds utterly dreadful. What a selfish, selfish man. Your kids are very lucky to have YOU in their corner.

I understand your financial fears – it's a massive leap into the unknown – but do your research, make yourself as secure as you can, then go for it, and have faith in the future. I left my ex when my children were tiny and I was terrified for months in advance. But that was 20 years ago and I still wake up in the morning sometimes and think, thank God I left him. It was the best decision I've ever made.

What was the medical debt for? I’m assuming your daughter? Why wouldn’t he agree to it?

You can't say that, she can't leave him because they can't afford it? She will be able to get support even if its from a domestic abuse service to find somewhere to stay until legal proceedings can be issued. You never ever have to put up with abuse or allow your children to become anxious in an environment where they can sense their own father can'tbe bothered with them. Don't listen to this, you can get support and you would not be left with nothing. At the worst, the house would have to be sold and you'd receive half the money. And you could find suitable temporary accommodation if needed. Sometimes it will be rough for a while until you come out of it and life will be better. He won't be.

Yes, a drug that sadly stopped being prescribed on the NHS a few years ago. He partly feels her condition is not as bad as it is🤯but mainly felt if we didn’t have it in cash we shouldn’t do it. I don’t regret it for one second, it helped her and I pay £248 monthly paying it off which is doable

That’s so kind, thank you. I am sure he would say I’m anything but lovely but I generally try to do life without conflict or unkindness. Especially now, having a very poorly child changes your entire perspective and I have no energy or appetite for fights and mean words. Life is literally too short. I’m so glad you have no regrets. I wish I had done this sooner so the kids would be less aware

I dunno much about the alcohol free drinks but 3 or 4 bottles a night sounds excessive? The people i know who are actively sober / in recovery all drink just like juice etc.

I also just wanted to send you a hug. You sound like a very caring, tired and burned out mum. I felt like that and my kids don’t have any additional needs. Its a very lonely place to be and I have good IRL friends and still felt alone.

i also echo what someone above said about nailing this man to the wall. 🙈 Channel this anger. Dont waste loads of time trying to understand him. You will just exhaust yourself and you are already under immense stress. He is who he is, showed his true colours. Use your capacity to get your ducks in a row for your children. It might take months or years but that is ok ❤️

OP Whilst I don’t condone your husband’s angry outburst - that was pretty unforgivable - but he’s 68, still working full time, and you said he usually pulls his weight at home. It’s no wonder he gets tired and grumpy. He is 27 years older than you! Can you imagine how you might feel when you are his age? It’s sad that you no longer share a bed. Could you not get some sort of alarm that would alert you to go to your daughter if she was in need? You said you wouldn’t be able to sleep if you were not in with her, but it’s understandable if your husband misses this time with you. Don’t you miss this too?

The OP has said that a) her daughter has a medical alarm and b) it goes off around 4 times a night. So if she doesn’t sleep in with her daughter then she has to get up and go in to see to her 4 times a night.
Note: her husband does none of this night time duty. Maybe if he took on some of the responsibility for it she’d be more inclined to sleep in a bed with him?

Are you sure the wine is non-alcoholic, or could he be refilling the non-alcoholic bottles with real wine? The volume consumed (in a plausible guise) and the missing time suggests a relapse to me.

I think you’re extraordinary, and you and your kids need to get away from this ghoul.

What he says means nothing. Please don't even think about his opinion of you.

I too felt bad for not leaving sooner. When I was beating myself up about it once, a wise friend said to me, 'Maybe it took this long for you to be sure that this was the only way. It's not a bad thing that you gave it every chance you could.' She was right – these are huge decisions and it can take a very long time before we know what is the best thing to do.

Are you one of those people who reads the first one out of the OP's 92 posts and just has to barrel in with an opinion? If so, please don't.

That could also be where the rest of his disposable income is going.

The kids will ultimately be happier without him in the house

I wonder whether he is using salary sacrifice to load up his pension? Not a bad thing. But if you're married (hopefully you are), you should be able to share in his NHS and teacher's pension.

You sound like a brilliant parent OP.

Read all her posts ffs. Basic decency. If you're going to bother to post such claptrap at least have the bloody patience to read what the OP says on many posts in a huge thread. It really is the least you could do. "oh he's tired, think of the poor tired man." No, he's a class A selfish arsehole with main character energy who is making the OP's life an absolute misery. Which you would know if you had bothered to READ THE FUCKING THREAD.

She. Does. Pretty. Much. Everything. This is a man who would rather stay in his workplace until after bedtime to avoid helping. Who squirrels away over £2000 a month whilst making his wife pay for medical treatment for his daughter. The same wife who paid off the mortgage with her own inheritance and stays in her daughter's room because the very poorly daughter wakes up and needs assistance 4 times a night.

OP - sending you all the strength and love you need. You will get through this. You can get through this. You are an incredible human being with astonishing reserves of strength and determination, you just cannot see it through the fog of misery that your life has become looking after everyone except yourself.

I wondered about topping up his pension too especially as he only started contributing later in life. Staying late at work isn’t that odd I used to work in an office where all the men did this to avoid having to help out with their kids. They wouldn’t go home until they knew all the hard work, bath time etc was done. Could he also be doing overtime?
And as a parent of a disabled child I will be caring for them well beyond my 60’s so tough luck if he finds it tiring. There is no retirement age for a parent carer. Most disabled adults live with their parents.

Seconded, OP. Very easy to shout LTB. There was something in the news recently about how little CM claims are actually enforced, it's shameful. My late mum's health and finances were destroyed after a divorce from my awful birth father and her subsequent redundancy.

Don't rush to leave, really consider if he's cracked under a bad moment. If you can't come back from it, get professional advice on your finances before you do anything. Have you got any family support?