To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

You haven't taken care of yourself in this. You need to start to and remember that someone who has 2K a month he spends/saves without your knowledge of where it goes during the marriage is unlikely to become generous during a divorce.

EtaAre you sure he's really 'disappearing to work to catch up'?

Not sure at all, it sounds ludicrous now it’s written down

I’m so sorry to read all this. My cousin had a very similar experience when married to a man 20 years older than her who she had 3 children with, the youngest two being twins!! He refused to do anything to care for the children or home and sat at the dinner table at his exact mealtime with a knife and fork in his hands waiting for his dinner even when she had newborn twins and a 3 year old! If nothing was ready he stormed off to the pub!

He was abusive and vile to her and she finally cracked after 15 years and left the family home because he refused to move out. It took years but she got her share in the end and rented meanwhile.

Know this - if you left with the children no council in the country would leave a woman and two children with additional needs homeless. If you couldn’t work you would be entitled to benefits and a solicitor would be able to sort out that loan to be a joint responsibility to be paid from the proceeds of the house and arrange for it to be frozen I would imagine.

It would actually be less work not to have to deal with him as well as the children with no support. You must be exhausted!

It's good you're posting. It's a log for you to keep. And re-read.
I really feel for you. You must be exhausted ❤️

Weekends also odd, we are often housebound as DS needs to regulate after week at school and DH says it’s boring, but if we ever go on an outing or day trip he says that’s boring too and he doesn’t like the zoo / pool/ so doesn’t want to come.

I think he finds being with his kids boring! Or any activity that doesn't revolve around him.

Did you ever talk together about state pension entitlement? If he has enough years, if he is defering it now to get a higher payment and/or make up years? Presuming it is not already in payment to him as, he was eligble at 66?

According to Chat....
"A 68-year-old man in the UK (as of February 2026, born approximately in early 1958) would have begun receiving his State Pension on his 66th birthday"

So you can add to the wages gap mystery, his two years of state pension and savings on NI payments.

This has got me even more suspicious. OP are you 100% sure he's still working? Could he have retired at 66, now living off his pension and actually spending his days and weekends somewhere else doing god knows what?

Would he get the full OAP? Doesn't it depend on how many years you've contributed?

Him saying everything to do with home is "boring" just makes him sound like an spoilt brat. I'm actually imagining him saying it like Rik from the Young Ones.

What's his hobby. He's unusually dedicated to it that he's out twice a week. And I don't believe he's working an extra hour gratis every day in an NHS job if I remember that's what was written

Sorry, I'm no expert so I don't know. but hopefully someone on here will .. but we don't know how many years contributions he has or if he's been able to make payments in to boost missing contributions.

The more I read the more familiar this sounds. My daughters Dad was 12 years older than me. He mentally and financially abused me. While I was fending bailiffs off, he was in the pub being the big I am to anyone that would listen when he was nothing.
He tied me in so badly that I couldn't think how to get out. It was when my daughter was in the last stages of her chemo when I just couldn't carry on
His money was late to pay bills without explanation, he fat shamed my daughter becsdud of the treatment just a horrible man.
When I ended it he tried to strangle me. He then took anything I owned and sold it or moved it. My car keys went missing he took that away so I had to borrow cars to get my daughter to chemo.
Went through all that and ended up with someone worse (see my post about ex on chat sites).
It's when it's written down that you think My God!!

Think about what you've been through already, you've wasted time with a narcasssit who has mentally abused you, don't be afraid. Im now 54 and I've got nothing but I'm thankful every day that I left that pig.

You can do this.. you deserve better xx

I am so so sorry for what you went through 😥thank you for sharing it with me x

It is so Brattish. I’ve said in the past i don’t particularly love a freezing pool either but when you have kids you have to do….kid things! 2 hobbies, both slightly unusual so prob too outing to put it on here with everything else I’ve shared, but the extra hours at work EVERY day and EVERY weekend make 0 sense to me.

I have wondered this tbh but he’s definitely still working, medical emergency with DD a few weeks ago and couldn’t get him on phone so had to call the main switchboard and have him paged and he was there. Just there…a lot🤨

You deserve so much more and you are young. Don't waste anymore time.
My daughter said to me, I always felt weird knowing that you and Dad weren't like normal parents and she said she could sense and feel the change in me as soon as he came home.
She felt awkward bringing her friends home because he wasn't nice.
She said...
You should have left him when I was little or as soon as you could....

That’s the most practical response. I am alarmed to see how many men seem to behave atrociously. No doubt I have. I’m lucky my wives were kind enough not to point it out to me.

He might of paid up the difference while in work, hopefully he did,
And yes his state pension age is 66, and his nhs pension would be good even though he's only put in 15 years but due to banding he looks like he would be paying fair bit into it, so between both pensions he has a nice monthly income, on top of a lump sum from nhs pension, op definitely needs looking into this as she would be entitled to his nhs pension, if he hasn't already cash it in,

Oh you are amazing. You're doing an amazing job for your children. My kids live with ADHD/ASD and it's mainly the social, emotional, behaviour side of it and they're hard work quite often but the scale of the needs you are taking care of us huge and if course you'd do it. Any decent parent would.

You will be so better off without him as the environment will feel calmer and the children will feel that. You do everything anyway without his help, you're already on your own in a way.

I truly feel that you are going to be ok.
Just one day at a time as you're doing, plan and don't take any of his shit.
999 if needed (I don't mean to scare you).

Addicts are always addicts.
I live with one.
I guess I am one myself but I choose to be clean for my children because I am the best parent for them. I'll never put myself in a situation because I wanted to get high over them. NEVER.

Sending you so much love and comfort and strength xx

This hits hard as my DS has said similar before. One of DH annoyances is our son having friends over (it’s my joy as I’m so happy he has a couple of nice friends) but DH complains when they are at home “eating our food”. I’ve noticed of late he will ask “is dad home?” Before he invites someone round. More and more I’ve felt like the kids must pick up on the tension and I’d hate for them to get even older thinking this is what is should look for in my future life partner because it’s not 😥

Thank you so so much. Huge congratulations on your sobriety and putting your cubs first ❤️

Are you tired from pretzeling yourself for hours trying to defend this indefensible old creep?

This prince who deliberately created 2 children in his late 50s and early 60s with his alcohol- and age-damaged sperm, who now openly resents and despises those children, who shouts at his 9 yo disabled child to the point the child is shaking with fear, who constantly imposes his moods and lability on the whole family and makes everyone tense, who abuses his wife verbally and emotionally, who is a sex pest, who won't pay for a treatment that eases his disabled child's symptoms, who is CLEARLY hiding money and god knows what else from his wife, and who is almost certainly back to the drink.

You've come up with every reason in the book to excuse him: you've claimed his 9 yo CHILD "made" him shout because she's "manipulative"; that OP "indulges" her disabled child - who needs assistance FOUR times a night to breath FFS; that OP is prioritising her DISABLED children over him, a healthy adult man; that in fact OP is selfishly prioritising her children because "it makes her feel better, not because her daughter needs her to"; that OP must have done something to make her unstable alcoholic H threaten to retire if she divorced him; that OP was financially abusive to her H for choosing to pay for a medical treatment that makes life easier for THEIR child.

It's a marvellous example of reflexive misogynistic thinking. This shows how some people will twist themselves into knots - to the point of complete irrationality - in defense of selfish angry men who not only don't control themselves or take accountability for their behaviour but also think they are JUSTIFIED in behaving vilely.

And your misogny was also on display when you said to @ThatCyanCat, in response to her well-reasoned rebuttal of your pretzeling and trying to blame OP for this loser's behavior:

"your post is just bonkers ranting"

Are you actually capable of seeing your misogyny?

He has an extra secret £2k a month and yet you were forced to take a loan to pay for your DD’s medical expenses? I’m so glad you’re starting to find your anger. Nail that fucker to the wall.

Has he ever asked how you feel? Frankly reading this I see you're the one doing all the work and you are the one who is actually neglected. You have no support, only demands on your time and energy.

Seen your updates @Shedding123. Wanted to send you a virtual hug 💐.

You sound such a wonderful mum and reasonable person. You deserve so much more support. Being a loving carer is such exhausting work.

Make sure you ask for as much support as you can IRL from elsewhere: family, friends, neighbours etc.