To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

Ah ok thank you

He isn't parenting.

You are his maid. You are his soon to be carer. You are his sex on tap. You are his retirement financial security so he can retire.

I said it up thread. He resents the children because they've put a spanner in the works of his perfect set up. This means you are not fulfilling the role he expects you to. That's why he hates his life.

This man doesn't love you. You are just useful to him. Well until the kids weren't perfect. He is the epitome of selfish.

What was the last thing he did for you or the kids - is it something that should be standard and routine as being a parent? And then he expects a gold star for it by any chance?

Tax return. They'll be something paper for tax. You can compare with what you have received.

Ummmmmm am Struggling to answer this! He did make a sofa fort for our DD one day last week while I had a zoom with her consultant. Yes that’s all I can think of.

work payslips?
can you get into his email?
snail mail?

Or while he is in 'nice' mode maybe you could manufacture a conversation that could come round to what he earns and see how he reacts - eg it would be really lovely to have a summer holiday but I am worried about how we would afford it...

Or even some respite care with some additional paid help coming in

no snail mail and payslips all online on his nhs portal….oddly when I do have conversations like the one you suggest he says we can’t afford it. But he must have £2k left over each month????

@Shedding123 you would definitely get the carers element of UC plus the disabled child element. I earn your salary and have 1 disabled DC and get both.

Thank you so much

he is too old to deal with that crap but are you in your late 30s or 40s? How this all came about?

why would you divorce him?

What an awful situation for you. I do think you’re right to put your children first especially with the health issues. You are worried about money - which is the most common worry when considering divorce. Believe me, I’ve been there. My advice is get your facts straight and expect nothing from him. So:
no maintenance from him
loan is a shared debt regardless of what he thinks
house equity would be 50/50 to start with but if you can prove he won’t house the children, his needs will be less than yours so you might get 60/65
check all the benefits you’ll be entitled to
check you are getting the right payment for your daughter
find out about his pension and whether he has private. That’s also part of the pot.

good luck!

This is the dealbreaker. Please leave and don’t let your daughter grow up thinking that’s ok. Sending blessings.

What crap? A wife and kids? Give over.

Don’t let him get wind of anything. If he’s frugal and saving up you will have 1/2 of that. Don’t inadvertently distract him from that! It’s illegal to hide it from divorce proceedings and he will get done for fraud. Keep your poker face.

Also he’s not at work at the weekends or is he staying there for 2 hrs after everyone else has gone home.

Ofcourse I don't know what your son's illness is, but you say "every calory counts" and this made me think of my child and how all her symptons gradually dissapeared after we fled or home and not lived with her dad anymore.
She didn't cognitively know what went on with her dad (addiction, anger issues, passive agressive, disengaged, mental health issues), but her body got ill by enduring the stress from the situation he created.
It started far before I knew what was going on with him, we visited all sorts of specialists with her, trying to find what was wrong.
Now I know her home was wrong, it wasn't a safe and stabile home at all. Just a house with loads of bad vibes making her ill.

Haven’t read full thread but just sharing my experience on a practical level. Also had exH who checked out after disabled child (and directed anger at the rest of us over his frustration of not being able have normal life). This happens a lot.

He won’t do 50:50, he may not do much at all. That was my experience.

If he’s selfish and tight with money he may retire so you can’t get CM. Exh minimised his income (while also making it hard for me to work as I had all the caring responsibilities during working week).

Your inheritance is recent and this may be taken into account in your favour and the debt may well be considered joint in a divorce. I got 70% assets due to capital I paid off and the need for me house disabled dc as an adult and I earn more than you. So don’t assume it will be 50:50 or 60:40. The dc will be the priority. ExH also successfully argued he needed to house dc but this may not apply if your husband won’t take on overnight care or the nhs won’t allow 2 homes.

The future care contribution you will make will also be taken into account in split assets

He could look at retirement housing which is cheaper.

You could both look at shared ownership which has its drawbacks but the rent element would be paid if you were on benefits.

There is a big drop in income when your disabled child is 20 and gets their own benefits which you need to factor in.

Social care did increase respite support when I was a sole parent. Initially they argued exH would provide respite when dc were with him but when he didn’t have them often they accepted I needed more support. Your marriage breaking down is a wake up call for social services as it is not in their interests for you to burn out and your disabled child to have to go into care. The social worker did authorise an emergency increased package when we separated. I have found I have to fight less now there is an appreciation I am the only thing preventing a massive weekly care bill for the state.

Run your situation through a benefits calculator or get CAB to help.

Thank you, they really are

You can get cognitive decline from alcohol abuse in the past think it's called something like wet brain

I just read the full thread.
he is too old, too uninterested and not fit for a father. And financially abusive

This will all come out in the wash. He is PAYE so nowhere to hide. Careful not to tip him off.

Sorry as I've I've got this far before commenting but I promise you, you will be ok.
The most important thing is respect and he clearly has none for you. He's a horrible sad man and you deserve and will have much better without him.

Don't worry about the long-term things for now.
Like others have said, get an appointment with a family solicitor for some advice on moving forward.
If he becomes an arse in leaving the family home (because it's mostly yours and your kids are disabled and your the primary carer), contact Women's Aid and they can help with getting him out.

You sound so amazing and you deserve a better life.

I promise, everything will be ok.
Be brave/strong xx

Again, because you appear to have missed it, the OP's updates regarding alarms four times per night appeared during the time I was composing that comment.

I’m going to stay v quiet while I try and get things lined up. The work thing is odd. Working hours are 9-5, he leaves 7:40 and comes home 7:30. One day I pushed him on why he has no TOIL to come to some health appts with us when he works 2 hours over his hours 5 days every week and he admitted he doesn’t have to stay on but chooses to as no point in being at home (nice). Weekends also odd, we are often housebound as DS needs to regulate after week at school and DH says it’s boring, but if we ever go on an outing or day trip he says that’s boring too and he doesn’t like the zoo / pool/ so doesn’t want to come. And then he goes to work to “catch up” on both sat and sun. Honestly it’s like he’s addicted to work now 🤷‍♀️

How kind🥹I don’t feel amazing at all, feel like I’ve royally messed up for the kids sake but I can only keep putting one foot in front of the other

@Shedding123

I'm going to make a few suggestions, but I think they are very important.

1- Hush!! Don't say anything about divorce or anything like that. Let him think everything is fine. Grit your teeth, you will be happy you did. The last thing you want him to do is get suspicious and start (or continue) hiding money and/or get legal advice. And in truth, if there has been a lot of angry talk about divorce, he may already have done so. So, go 'stealth'. Start trying to ferret out all the financial information you can without him noticing. If he works for NHS are their salaries published (I'm in US)? Here, all government salaries are, so if you know the person's position and time worked, you can usually figure out what they're earning (not including OT). That's at least a start. Are there any joint finances at all? If so, copy recent documents as you should have access to those. If they are completely separate look around and see if there are any paper statements even if they're old ones.

2- Locate and if possible move all vital documents to a hidden location. If you can't without raising suspicions, take copies of them. I mean birth certs, marriage cert, passports, medical records. It's time to create your own 'files' of important papers.

3- See a solicitor, preferably yesterday! Your situation is somewhat complicated so just the run of the mill advice you may read or get might not apply to you. Figure a 'snapshot' of family finances, incomes, debts, expenses, etc and see a solicitor. Ask them how a divorce might affect you financially wrt child maintenance (especially if he should 'suddenly' retire), the house, the children's extended needs past 18. Get educated! Knowledge is power, forewarned is forearmed. Once you understand how divorce may affect you you'll be better placed to make a decision that is the best for you and DC. Then and only then should you seriously broach the subject, should you decide divorce is the way for you. But be sure you have a plan in place as far as leaving, staying, telling him to leave, etc. It's not a conversation to have when you don't have the answers yourself.