To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

Try surviving when your child wakes four times a night. Been there done that.

The only way you can survive is if you sleep with them. Otherwise you enter the torture of sleep deprivation where everything is 100 times worse and you can't cope with anything at all.

The idea that she's doing it even though she doesn't need to medically and she should be prioritising having sex comes from people who are too bloody used to having sleep.

If you have that much broken sleep then even if you don't sleep in the same room as your child what you want to do is sleep rather than service a man child who, let's note here, isn't helping out with the broken sleep issues.

The reason the kids want mum is cos dad doesn't give a shit and they know this.

No you're wrong there. If they're married it's family debt, it goes in the mix with everything else.
Just the same as the equity in the house - it doesn't matter who paid the mortgage.

Especially as the debt was due paying for their child's medical expenses.

If he is only giving OP £1,700 pcm on an income of £58k he's spending a LOT of money on personal pursuits, sounds very dodgy to me

I had made this point earlier, but OP may have missed it amongst the many, many other helpful replies she's had.

Thinking about it a little more, at 68 he's over state pension age, so he might be drawing that too. He also won't be paying NI on his salary.

Excluding any other deductions from his salary such as pension contributions, his annual net pay of £58,000 is £47,372, so £3,950 almost each month.

He's giving you £1,700. Where's the other £2,250 going??

It sounds like he might not have the full state pension available to him, but if he does, this is worth £230.25 a week, paid 4 weekly. No tax is deducted from this, but HMRC would likely try and collect it via a coding notice adjustment on his full time job.

To reiterate what I said first time - look for the paperwork - build up a picture of his finances.

Really? Gosh that’s so interesting, do you mind me asking what in my OP made you think it might be addiction issues?
this is so helpful. I’ve been all over chat gpt which pretty much has said what all the amazing advice here has said, because the kids are both on high rate dla I think I’d be entitled to the disability element of UC which would help so much. Also now really stumped at where the remaining £2k he must be pocketing each month is going 😥

IKR? It was quite predictable that people would whinge and whine that OP isn't sufficiently cuddling her husband while he acts like an ogre and fails to parent. It was even predictable to see people blaming the children for being "manipulative" (horrid, but predictable; some people, for reasons we can only guess, prioritise a man's wants over everything and villainise anyone, even kids, who don't). But sneering at this debt being "solely incurred" as though it went on handbags and spa breaks... that is quite something.

Is he materialistic? As in nice watches, expensive haircuts, constant new cars? If not he may well be saving it somewhere secret or paying off some debts.

Snap timing! I just wrote this. I’ve checked and he transfers me £1800 Monthly to cover the bills and he pays my phone contact along with his. Out of my account I pay all bills, food, kids clothes, petrol, med charges, literally everything. So I’m suddenly stumped at what he’s doing with the rest of his pay check as that’s not nothing.

Ummmm he does treat himself to eg a new watch about once a year but no, we have one old car which recently needed £1k repairs and he was livid about that. He did pay for it but said he’ll need to give me less next month as a result. It’s too much to just be being spent on a Costa coffee daily.

Have you considered gambling? He may have addictions that are easier to hide.

If he was contracted out he won't get the full state pension. I was contacted out as I worked in local government, I don't get that amount. Clearly my local government pension more than makes up for it. But factually, I don't get the full amount. ( despite having the years required)

I honestly don’t think so. His addiction of choice (so to speak) was always alcohol. my guess is he’s squirrelling it away.

You definitely need to do some detective work and find out what's happening financially. Get ducks in a row before announcing/making changes to your home life. It would be terrible if he left the marriage with a big stash of £££ while you left with debt!

Though I would very much hope that a decent lawyer would work a divorce so you'd get to keep the house, certainly while kids are below 18. Sounds like they need that stability.

In that case you might actually be better off divorced.

What kind of husband lets his wife go into debt for medical expenses, while he is keeping a huge chunk of his salary to himself without any discussion of where its going.

Quite apart from the moral issues, it makes no financial sense, as a partnership, to have debts costing you interest when you could pay them off quicker.

agreed.
"We do have different parenting styles, he is much more hands off, kids should go off and play. "

I thought this was telling.. its not a parenting style, its an excuse to explain away all abdication of responsibility in favour of being lazy and selfish parent. ,

Its clearly the DH's voice saying he is much more hands off - as thought that's something to be proud of.. it sounds like him putting down the attentiveness that OP needs to have to cope with the DC's extra needs.
And yep. I bet he does wish they'd go off and play so he'd be free to

• stay late at work after his shift,
• go into work for two hours every weekend day when he doesn't have to (who does that? is he really working?
• complain about his boredom at home when he is there
• play no part in helping the children get to bed every night - a bedtime story is surely not a big ask from a parent?
• Head out twice a week with friends, he can do this because he doesn't even cook. OP has to cook his dinner after she's done everything else all day,
• spend time at his hobby. - see above
• Allow his wife to invest her entire inheritance into the house so that it is now mortgage free#
• whilst watching her go into debt to finance DD's medical needs because they have NO savings, despite no information about what he does with the rest of his salary after the £1700 monthly allowance - so it sounds like there is no sharing of finances.

Something doesn't add up. Emotionally and financially abusive, Prior long term addiction, stays later at work than necessary, goes in on Saturday and Sunday when he's not expected to...claims to have no savings yet large portion of his salary is unaccouted for... and he can do this because OP used her inheritance to pay off the mortgage.

Something stinks here.

Honestly sometimes a bellend is just a bellend 🤷‍♀️

yes he’s been through some health issues and he’s survived his addictions

but he also sounds like someone who isn’t capable of being a provider and protector, husband and father - which is what’s needed here

also, instead of accepting this and walking away whilst ensuring you’re supported, he’s sat around whinging and drinking fake wine knowing what it could lead to - that is why he is a bellend.

what have you decided to do op, what are your next steps? x

He might say he’s not depressed, but I don’t believe that. He feels trapped in a life that he didn’t anticipate, and instead of working with you as a team to figure out the best ways to mutually care for your children, he’s sat around stewing in his anger and being avoidant. Now he’s drinking again, and being hateful in front of your children.

Yeah, I think your marriage is probably over. It’s not healthy for you or your children to have to live anticipating his next outburst, and you don’t want to raise them in a household where his behavior is, though not approved-of, tolerated.

Ex H used to go to the shops for alcohol almost every day on his way home from work. He would drink all or most of it in the evening and throw the empties straight outside so there was never much hidden away in the house. 0% alcohol wine or beer bottles would be on display in the kitchen but he was actually going into the garage all the time and filling the glass with alcoholic drinks. I thought he had mild cognitive issues but he was actually just drunk in the evening. He could be really nasty in the evening and then the next day act like nothing had happened.

I cannot see what's to keep you in this marriage except possibly finances and even that's questionable. You should definitely look into what your situation would be should you divorce. At the moment, all you get from him is a small percentage of his money. Split up and you'll still get that.

Literally staring at this list going ok, this is
why I’ve felt so confused.
it makes no sense does it?
he has on many occasions accused me of spoiling the kids, giving into them. I call it low demand parenting as advised by the paediatric psychiatrist, but he wrinkles his nose at that too.

I think you're spoiling him OP. He gets all his meals cooked, his children cared for, as much free time as he wants, and his mortgage paid off with your inheritance, while he keeps his extra money for himself.

he is in full nice mode, has messaged to ask if he should run a bath for when they get back. Many xxxxxx at end of message. I honestly think he thinks last night is fine. Am ignoring.

meanwhile, I’m going to keep going on chat gpt to workout finances and line up the ducks. While caring for the kids. no idea how I’d find out where the extra part of his salary goes as his banking is all online on his phone which is Face ID.

Don't use ChatGPT for that. Talk to Citizens Advice.

to be honest I don’t cook for him, i make 3 dinners a night for the kids in hope of getting them to eat something (AFRID in both) and I just eat what they leave. He always seems disappointed coming in that there’s not a wholesome dinner for him and makes snidey comments about me feeding them rubbish (any calories count at this point for DS)