To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

He neglects you and his DC first.

Not coming home to share the load for those difficult hours is a cnut move.

You know that and that’s why you are not sexually attracted the self serving bullying creep

I’m happy to keep on repaying it. I don’t regret it and while I’ll never understand his reluctance to accept their needs and my efforts to get them help and treatments, I’ve learned to accept it.

This is what I’ve been trying to say, but some here are insisting on making it all about ‘shagging’. It’s not about sex, it’s about making time for each other. I think OP has a point in that her DH is spending more time away from the home when he could be using that time to spend with her, but I can’t see any evidence of her asking herself why that is.

This is very true. The fact he chooses to work on because home is hard/boring is immensely hurtful.

I think it’s because he wants to come
home to NT kids who fling themselves on him when he walks in the door. he wants no mess, no disability. instead it’s fairly chaotic, messy, medical paraphernalia lying around, me red faced and dealing with conflicting needs and no time to sit down and hear in detail about his work day.

Does not having energy allow him to verbally annihilate his disabled 9 year old daughter and emotionally violate his wife who is shouldering all his slack / laziness / contempt / lack of energy?

Do either of your children have a social worker OP? I think you need to speak to them. I also think if you can,speak to someone at their schools. Also thr children might say something about what happened.

It is incredibly hard having children with additional needs, I know and it sounds like your husband has checked out of parenting and tgr marriage.

Could he be autistic? The need for cleanliness and the lack of empathy might suggest it. Though that is no excuse for bad behaviour.

If you had to move, the children wouldn't automatically get removed from the school roll I dont think. Not under those circumstances.

Do some research on chatGPT before seeing solicitor.
Good luck

Hi OP. I'm a recovering alcoholic, been alcohol free for over eight years. Just before I became sober, I was drinking 0.5% wine. It sounds crazy, but it gave me a slight buzz, so much so that I was drinking a couple of bottles a night! It's addictive behaviour that your not so 'D' P is displaying and is very concerning. He will always be an addict, as am I. You deserve so much better and your beautiful DC do, too. You can do this! 💪🏻 I wish you all the best for a brighter future, away from this toxic mess of a husband. 💐

I have in the past wondered if he may be ND as well as a recovering addict. I’d have more chance asking if he might like to live in a commune than him being open to being ND. He “doesn’t believe in all that woke stuff”. Yes that’s a new quote from him.

schools are supportive and would 💯 back me in terms of being primary and main parent and carer to both.

no allocated social worker as we have always just managed with support from hospital teams.

Thank you for being so kind, and honest. Can I ask (as find this all confusing) why is 0% so frowned upon given its…..0. ?
Huge congratulations on your sobriety.

This character is doing so much harm to the OP and their DCs development already that she doesn’t need anymore excuses / reasons (secret drinking / alcohol relapse) to remove herself and her DC to better more wholesome and sustainable emotional future.

We all only have finite time, energy, emotional capacity and headspace - the OP needs all of hers for herself to support her two DCs - she can’t afford to compromise, divert or waste any of that on this draining, disruptive, disingenuous aggressive clown.

No, I’m not a man. And I’m not presenting a male take in any way shape or form. And you only have to read through the thread to see the level of misandry and projection.

I'm in the same situation. On a debt management plan after getting my daughter through cancer. Diagnosed at 14, she's 19 now and in remission until she is 30. Other things seem to be going slightly wrong now. Receptors. Possibly cushing syndrome. People don't realise how expensive it is to get through it.

The thing is, OP, it's not totally 0.0% as it still has traces of alcohol in it. I think it's frowned upon because it is very much like the poison we used to ingest; It tastes the same; it triggers our brains the same way and opens up the old neural pathways. It wouldn't take much to go from 0% to the 'real thing'. I did drink the 0.0% in the very early days, but wouldn't now. It's a matter of personal preference.

Your husband has always had 100% focus on him, being an addict. He doesn't like it now he's not the centre of your universe. Your children are, quite rightly, the most important thing in all of this. I really do think you should take the necessary steps to extricate you and your babies from this blood sucking parasite as soon as possible. Sending positivity. You CAN do this! 🫂💐

I’m so sorry. Will be keeping her and you in my thoughts. Serious medical issues are so expensive aren’t they 😭

I agree. However much of a risk it may seem to end this marriage. Seriously consider what you will be facing if you don't.

Leave before you end up being a carer to a 68/70+ abuser as well as your two poor children.
You sound like a hard working, caring mum who is getting little help or co-operation with your two children who have extra needs, whilst he sits in another room reading and explodes with rage at all of you because you asked him for help.

Seriously DO NOT BE TRAPPED INTO BECOMING A CARER FOR HIM AS WELL. Frankly, he currently has it made, with you doing all the child caring and running his household and going into debt to foot your child's medical bills.

His nasty moods will only get worse.

You are only 41 for gods sake. You and your poor kids deserve so much better. So sorry you are having to go through this but you have to think ahead to the future.

Of course it is. This poster thinks this is your fault though. It's beyond me when you are doing all the childcare and working from home and medical appointments/admin but some people will always side with the man even when they call you a "fucking idiot" in front of your 9 year old.

Good spot. His contempt for the DD and her disabilities taking away from the flapping and fawning around this ‘charismatic’ character - he will probs retire anyway in the time it would take to divorce and continue his financial abuse anyway married or not.

OP, you are a decent conscientious person (unlike your selfish H), and I fear that if you don’t divorce him soon you will slip into becoming his carer. You won’t mean to, but I agree with PP that he seems to be starting dementia; he will become more irrational and difficult, and his needs will steadily increase.

Please leave before he can guilt-trip you into staying.

Your DC need and deserve your care, but he doesn’t. And his needs, after years of drug and alcohol abuse, will destroy you.

By the way, I’m pretty sure genuine medical costs count as family expenditure. He’s manipulated you into paying it, while he earns more. Unbelievable how he’s financially abused you. You will be so much better off without him.

As soon as you can, I wouls talk to school and other professionals about the possibility that your marriage is ending. Hopefully you will get practical and emotional support.
Do your children have ECHP (if you are in England?) .

I would try and get some help through social services, at least for long term planning.

Good luck.

That’s true before he groomed the OP he had his parents running around like lie arsed flys inadvertently enabling his addiction and wild bad boy ways. So always been ‘the main character’

The point about him possibly being ND, there is huge amounts of research that state ND people are more inclined to have addictions. With his age bracket, I can well imagine he turned to substances to mask a lot and feel like he was more relaxed. It probably made him feel like he was fitting in more too. Very big possibility.

Lol. The only projection I am seeing is coming from you. You're just making stuff up right, left and centre, including the OP's husband wanting to 'look after' his wife and how she hasn't even tried talking to him about how he feels, etc etc.

Also 'misandry' is a bullshit term used by incel/Fathers for Justice types. They see it everywhere, much like you. Just saying.

Yup. As an ND person who has struggled with addiction issues, and now volunteers with addicts - I concur. Nearly all, if not all, the addicts I work with are ND. Self-medicating with drugs or booze is really common, particularly among older people who probably never had an official ND diagnosis as it wasn't a thing back in the 90s and earlier.

@shedding123 as I was reading your first few posts, my thoughts were that your husband is behaving just like an addict. I was not remotely shocked when you mentioned his past.

you should not talk to him about divorce. You aren’t actually ready to make that change. This is something you plan quietly and announce once you have a plan where you can stop cohabitating that same day. Otherwise your children are going to be exposed to an extremely toxic environment.

I know money is a concern, but staying carries huge problems. Your children are learning that they have to moderate their behavior to not set off the ticking time bomb in the house. This is hugely damaging for their future friendships and romantic relationships.