To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

Hi OP. I was once married to an addict and I would say from the info you’ve given that he’s absolutely relapsed.

You said you missed the signs once. I also once missed it, until one day I found one vodka bottle and then found about thirty empties hidden around the house once I started looking. Even stuffed in the lining of the sofa.

Hiding away and “reading” is very likely not just reading. It doesn’t make a difference, you should leave him anyway, but I think this is probably going on under your nose.

Hugs. I’m twice divorced now and have started from scratch twice. It’s hard but it gets infinitely better.

Sorry i cant reply to all the posts, wish I could. Odd day here, travelled back and he just acted like NOTHING had happened. Morning kids, morning (me). Totally fine. Home now and I’ve taken out kids for fresh air post drive. DD has said once why did daddy call you a f’ing idiot? I couldn’t answer her as was worried I would start crying and not stop.
i will try and answer some questions that keep coming up-
why did I marry him?
I loved him. I fell head over heels; we met through work. He was charismatic, very clever and the kind of person everyone is drawn to. Amazing story of addiction - recovery, bad boy turned good. We shared a love of extreme sports and it just all felt wonderful. Our kids were planned and much wanted. I think he always struggled with their health issues, eg denied any problems until they were in front of him on a black and white medical report. I felt very alone at these times and took on role of primary carer.
I sleep in with DD partly for my own peace of mind and partly because her alarms go off roughly 3-4 times nightly and having to move from one bedroom to the next 4
times a night is impossible so I sleep in with her. Does he feel neglected? Yes. Did he help himself by openly showing disgust when I put on weight? No. He also chooses to stay on at work until 7/8 though could finish earlier as he finds “home boring” and says the kids only want me. He absolutely could make an effort more with them and eg cook dinner but chooses not to.
maybe I was foolish for having kids with an older man, but I lost my dear dad in his early 50’s. I don’t think young age = safety. Our dd condition is not chromosome related.
medical loan was for a therapy that helped that sadly stopped being available on the nhs 5 years ago. He don’t want to do it. I would do anything in my power to ease her symptoms.
I do put the kids first which I know will break many relationships. I also do believe he feels neglected but to me this necessitates a calm, grown conversation if he isn’t happy with family life, not losing his temper and then acting like it didn’t happen. I think it takes a special couple to parent through serious health and SEN needs and we have clearly failed.

He is to old and selfish to cope with young children . Especially ones with additional needs.
This is one main reason not to marry and have kids with older men. You know they are selfish from get go. Why else do they need a relationship with much younger people. They often have left previous wife/kids after not coping with the responsibility.
He sounds awful.
You are obviously a brilliant mum who is trying her best given his lack of support.
No point staying with him. He will want to you to care for him and it sounds like you will have your hands full with your daughter.
He isnt going to change he will only get more selfish.

Also.
huge thanks for the very kind comments about me being a good mum. I try, and often feel I get it wrong. Medical mum stuff can feel relentlessly hard and I don’t feel I’m ever good enough as I can’t make life simple for my 2 kids. Wish I could.

The acting like nothing has happened the next day really reminds me of my ex secret drinking alcoholic husband. He probably doesn't really remember what he said. You mentioned that he's drinking 0% wine and that makes me suspicious too. My ex used to have a 0% bottle out on display so I would think that was in the glass but actually he was drinking alcoholic wine.

Actually yes. I do think he has to accept he is second place when our children have high medical and support needs. I’m sure he is tired. But we talked about this pre- kids and he was adamant he would pull his socks up and parent despite age. I’d be a lot less child focused if he came home earlier, cared less about mess, helped bond with the kids more and be less angry. I think then there would or Could have been more intimacy from me.

I remember him saying early on that 0% drinks are a slippery slope in recovery. He drinks around 3-4 a night and this does worry me.

Non-alcoholic wine is for non-alcoholics, is the phrase often used in recovery.

Im not sure how much it matters to your relationship but I’d want to know in terms of the kids future care if he’s drinking. I’d take a sneaky sip of his drink every now and then if I was you…

I agree with you. You're working too as well as looking after the children, which he does not help with. Frankly I'm not sure I would have the energy for his hurt feelings. If he is that unhappy he can leave himself rather than becoming shouty and emotionally abusive.

Reminds me of my ex... its all about sex and the fact that he is not your priority. You've got so much going on.
Get a good solicitor, the best you can afford and take as much as you can because ultimately its going to be you making the sacrifices to look after your children.

Go to accommodation concern and they will go through all of the benefits you are entitled to, get this bit done ASAP to give yourself peace of mind.

All the best, stay strong x

But there has been a queue of people stating that her husband is abusive, financially abusive, prioritising himself over the needs of a sick child, etc.

If you actually read the OP's posts, the are lots of signs that things aren't as clear cut as most people appear to think.

The OP chooses to sleep in her daughter's room, despite her daughter not needing this.

Her husband chooses to work late, but what does he come home to?

"I do spend 3 hours from meds- settling DD to sleep, but he chooses not to help, chooses not to come home for dinner first."

So his wife spends 3 hours each evening settling their daughter, then sleeps in their daughter's room. Does he even see his wife on a day-to-day basis?

The husband is financially abusive because he threatened to retire if she divorced him. Why did he make that threat? Did she threaten to divorce him and 'take him to the cleaners'? It seems like a strange threat for him to make out of the blue.

The OP hasn't explained what the private medical treatment was or why the husband opposed it. Did the NHS doctors advise that it had little/zero chance of success? Isn't it financially abusive to run up £20k of debt against the express wishes of your spouse? I can understand why the OP may have been willing to take the chance, but we don't have the full picture.

That is exactly how I feel. He can feel hurt, disappointed, heck he can feel whatever he feels. But talk to me about it calmly, not in front of the kids. If he’s tired, bored, unfulfilled emotionally or sexually ill accept that and we can have a sad chat and no part ways. But don’t say you’re fine then erupt one night on our one trip away this year and bloody ruin it for the kids and me. But mainly the kids😭that’s so so selfish.

OP, please get legal advice. you might be in a better position than you think, if the house was paid by your inheritance and your DD has medical needs. A judge won't sign off a divorce that isn't fair to both parties, but only a solicitor can advise what is fair.

You should be entitled to half his pension, so that is a negotiating tool for you to get more from the house if you leave the pension alone. He will need to disclose his finances during the divorce.

Please read my update.
but yes, NHS were supportive of us going private and it helped. Sadly no longer available on nhs due to price of the drug.
he could see me more if he came home when his shift actually finished. He could see me more if he chose to spend weekends with us rather than choose to pop into work for 2 hours each weekend day.

I can’t see anything that indicates because one partner has an appendage that they are being treated unfairly? Can you point that out please? This ‘parent’ has abdicated all family, parenting duties to the other parent - then emotionally abuses exploits and abuses his partner and disabled child whilst indulging his whims and discharging his anger. Gender is irrelevant here.

You’re doing a great job OP.

Kids with an ex long term addict of his age was always going to be touch and go. I’d infer he may have relapsed.

I’m 55 and I couldn’t cope with a 9 and 13 year old let alone with significant additional needs. 68 is simply too old to be coping with work and children with disabilities.

He’s at the age that neurodegenerative diseases start to appear. 75-90% of 65-70 yr olds have some Cerebral Small Vessel Disease which can cause memory issues with mood changes and depression as a secondary effect. It doesn’t matter how young and fit he looks, my father always looked incredibly young and healthy for his age and still does but his dementia started around 70.

DH has been a massive arsehole but I wonder whether he just can’t cope and wants out. He’s gone for the slash and burn rather than the mature adult conversation which is in line with addict behaviour patterns.

The OP chooses to sleep in her daughter's room, despite her daughter not needing this

Did you miss the bit where the OP said that her daughter’s medical alarm goes off approx 4 times a night, so if the OP doesn’t sleep in with her she has to get up 4 times in the night and go in to sort her? I’m 100% sure the DH isn’t volunteering to take on any of this burden. I’d sleep in her bed too in those circumstances.

I don’t know that about the age % and cognitive decline. That could explain the anger outbursts and odd smoking suspicion episode. I’m sorry about your dad.

I think this. He can’t cope. Many husbands do similar things but there is a world of a difference between a younger man, and a 68 year old.
Im early 40s and im tired as hell. My mum is 75 and her latest medical issue post two hip replacements & two gynae surgeries is that she needs me to drop her to appointments for regularly injections for her knees. That’s the reality of age.

Id say there’s a % of him being unreasonable & a % of he just hasn’t got the energy.

That update was given between me starting to compose my reply and posting the comment.

Re: medical debt- I don’t regret it, it helped and I will always do all i can to ease her symptoms. I took it on under my name and have a manageable repayment plan over 5 years.

OK, then have it your way. That’s clearly not what I’m saying at all, but OK.

The debt is the OP's debt. His share isn't reduced to pay off a debt she solely incurred.

This sounds suspicious OP. It does sound like he's drinking. Alcoholics are incredibly good at hiding it and denying there's anything wrong (because they won't admit even to themselves that there's anything wrong).

It all sounds really tough. Sending lots of love.

I actually think this is a bit worrying. AF drinks can be a great tool in sobriety. I’m a recovering alcoholic. I’m 3 years sober now. I did have an AF drink or 2 most nights in early sobriety, maybe the first year or so. Almost never more than 2, unless I was say stuck at a party and bored and there was really much else to drink.

I very rarely drink them now. Might have 1 drink a month that’s like an AF beer or similar. Otherwise, I drink tea or squash or a ginger beer or lime and soda. He must be going on nearly 20 years sober now? If he got sober early 50s and is 68. Drinking 3-4 AF drinks a night is someone clinging onto sobriety or masking something at this stage.