To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

Of course not. What’s that got to do with anything ? OP isn’t being abused, she’s getting a reaction from her DH for a situation that she herself has had a hand in creating.

I have to admit that if I was young and wanted to have children there is no way I would be wasting my fertile young body and eggs on rancid old man sperm.

Oh c’mon - he may have behaved in a proper dick manner but that’s not fair to people who manage to move on from addiction.
This man obviously had a serious addiction and has managed to retrain, study to a good level and build a life beyond it. Leaving his dick head behaviour out of this I don’t think attacking him for an addiction is fair when an addict who manages a life beyond it deserves to have that recognise. It’s a bloody hard road and people who manage it have my utmost respect for that. No wonder there is still so much stigma around addiction, even when you fight it you will always be labelled with it as a negative apparently.

I'm just confused about the huge sum of money spent on medical treatment. I really don't think I would have been happy if my DH had spent that, and took out a loan to do so! What could a child need that wasn't available on the NHS? ( I'm sure someone will advise me).
OP, you both sound very stressed, this may well be the final straw for you, but please don't do anything in haste. Take advice in real life, maybe speak to a counsellor. If you are going to separate /divorce you need to have a clear head and understand what is possible.

It sounds like he is potentially financially abusive and certainly has been verbally abusive...

It’s not saying that at all. It’s questioning why the mother of two disabled children who spends her days working full time and looking after them, and who would be understandably exhausted by that, would choose to spend her nights doing essentially the same thing for her daughter when there is no medical need. I think anyone who can’t see that from the point of view of her DH is being obtuse. It’s not even about sex, it’s about intimacy, spending time together and allowing her DH to take care of her.

Are you a man? This is such a male take on this situation. Plus the nonsensical mention of 'misandry.'

He sounds really horrible. Having lived with a secret heavy drinker for many years, I do think it very possible that he has relapsed though. I remember thinking my exH may have mild cognitive impairment but eventually realised that he often was extremely drunk in the evening but because his speech wasn't slurred and he hid all the bottles I hadn't realised. He was often very nasty in the evening too but the next day would act as if nothing had happened. Do you think that while sitting in another room he could have been drinking and hiding the evidence?.

Where has he said that he wants to ‘take care of her’? It sounds more like he wants her to take care of him, to me.

Except he's choosing to stay at work until 7 and he's choosing to go out and do thing on his own. Family life is secondary to him.

Others have mentioned the age difference. I agonised over getting married to my late husband because of our age gap—not as much as that between the OP and her DH, but still in excess of 20 yrs.

The only problem that didn't arise was having an older father for my children—I miscarried. DH was fit and healthy until he wasn't. He needed a triple bypass at 71 and had a stroke at 75. I lost him just over 6 yrs later. (Posters who have said that the OP won't have her husband around for much longer might well be wrong, though I have a relative through marriage who was left with a 9 yr old when her 69 yr old partner died of a hear attack.)

My husband was loving and I miss him every day, but being a carer was far from easy—especially since I was working full time and also had my parents to look after for many years.

Why am I saying this? An acquaintince was in an unhappy marriage. She was on the point of leaving when her husband had a stroke. She felt trapped into staying for years until she finally made arrangements which allowed her to leave.

The OP needs to decided what—if anything—she's getting out of her marriage.

With regard to dementia, I guess that's a possibility: both heart trouble and mini-strokes can give arise to this kind of angry behaviour.

He’s paying his way, so whether he’s being financially abusive depends on what he’s doing with the money he’s putting away. He didn’t agree to the money OP wanted to spend on addressing her child’s condition so OP took out a substantial loan. Whether or he was reasonable or that OP should have taken out a loan without his agreement is impossible to say without more detail as to why it was needed. I agree he was verbally abusive, but as I said, it sounds as though he is OP’s last consideration and if he’s tried to talk to her before and been ignored or dismissed then it’s hardly surprising it’s got to this point.

I’m not saying that OP is wrong to feel as she does, but it’s clear, at least to me, that she’s kind of checked out of the relationship herself because her focus is entirely on her children, even when it doesn’t need to be. That leaves little room for a relationship with her DH, or he with her.

Christ, are you actually the OP's husband? The extent to which you're excusing the man and victim-blaming his wife is nuts.

From OP’s posts this is recent behaviour, so it’s possible it’s because he’s overwhelmed by his home life, so is choosing to distract himself. Not saying it’s right by any means, but if he has his own concerns - could be health wise or age related - and feels as though he’s not being listened to then maybe he’s dealing with that in his own way.

It is made up. She (is it a she? Probs not) can repeat it all she wants: still not the truth.

It is NOT a one-off. He has spitefully spoken about retiring in the event of divorce so OP doesn't get any money!

I’m entitled to my opinion and have explained my reasons. I’m not victim blaming in any way at all - they are a partnership and both bear responsibility for the way in which the relationship is headed, but the theme here seems to be blaming DH for everything simply because he’s a man, regardless of the part OP has potentially played in forcing his outburst. That’s what’s nuts.

Quite.

Nothing more needs to be said.

The OP wants to end the relationship. She is responsible enough to make this decision without having to first 'work on the marriage' or appease an abusive male.

Your 'opinions' are based on stuff you've made up - like him wanting to 'take care' of his wife, when he's said that he's going to retire if she divorces him so he won't have to pay her anything. Hardly the words of a caring husband. As for 'forcing' his outburst - oh, give over, suggesting he help out with his own children is hardly holding a gun to his head. But knock yourself out, defend this prince among men all you like. You must have your own reasons for identifying with him so strongly, I'm sure.

Show me where in any of my posts I have said this. OP says herself that the only reason she sleeps in her daughter’s room is because it makes her feel better - she can’t sleep otherwise. It isn’t a medical necessity to be in her daughters’ room every night. She has the opportunity to be with her DH at night. That’s nothing to do with ‘shagging’ and nowhere have I said that. But it’s an opportunity to spend time with each other, reconnect as a couple and take care of their relationship. The fact that OP is choosing to spend this time carrying on her role as carer is sending a message to her DH that their relationship is taking a backseat to her role as a carer, even when it doesn’t need to. I don’t know how you come back from that.

Many years ago when I was trained to work in a police control room, we were all shown a scenario and had to write a summary. Everyone gave a slightly different account, particularly when we were asked an hour later to write it again.
The point I'm making is clearly that we have 1 side of the argument here. Each person who reads it puts their own take on it, possibly based on their experience, or their level of empathy, or what particular point they have taken from the account. I realise I'm stating the obvious, and I'm not saying that the OP should stay in an unhappy marriage. Only that we have no idea really how it got to this stage or what else is happening. And I understand that goes for every question asked by an OP. Sometimes there are too many unanswered questions.

Show you where you have said what? Did you mean to reply to me?

Also, funny how he only wants to "reconnect" once the OP has lost weight. Isn't he a lovely guy.

Yes I have heard in described on here as nudging along the diving board for months, standing and looking over the edge for months and then one day you either jump or walk back. Just do your research - it will inform and empower you either way.

"OP prioritise your husband's sex drive over your sick child you poor excuse for a wife. You are failing in life by not facilitating him getting his leg over"

We hear you loud and clear.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, that doesn't mean an absolute right to express it though nor to have everyone else agree with it. Maybe having expressed that opinion you could have the good grace to let it lie instead of completely derailing the thread arguing ad infinitum. The OP came here for support, not to be judged, not to be challenged on past decisions and sure as hell not for people to blindly guess at what else may or may not be going on in her private life.

Apologies if anyone else has said this but debts come out of marital pot before things are carved up.

That is a huge age gap. No wonder he is tired but absolutely no excuse to treat you and your children so horribly.