To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

Lots of misandry at play on this thread - much of it undisguised too. How about he’s angry because OP is focusing on their children to the exclusion of all else - even when there is no medical need for her to do so ? How about he’s angry because he’s tried to talk to OP about how he feels and has been dismissed until his frustration at not being listened to has boiled over into an angry and aggressive exchange in front of his children ?

As I’ve said several times, if a man had posted similarly, it would immediately have been pointed out that he was an arsehole for allowing the situation to get to the point where his wife had to have a major meltdown in order to get his attention.

He's 68. That's too old to have young children imo. He is going to tire much more easily than you. I'm 62 and my grandchildren exhaust me. Neither of you probably realised how tough it would be for him, you don't know until actually get older how difficult everything gets. Bits of you hurt for no good reason, things stop working properly in your body and life gets harder. Of course there are going to be people saying they can still do 100 press ups at 70 but for most of us mobility is affected to some degree, it's harder to stand up from a low seat for example. You need to ask him to leave both for his sake and yours and especially the children. He can afford to rent somewhere and have visitation with the children, he can stay at work or retire, either way he will have to pay maintenance. If you're on 29k that's easily enough to live on with no mortgage and you must be getting disability benefits for the kids. If you sell the house you'll get enough for a deposit on shared ownership or you could rent and claim Universal Credit. He's behaved really badly but please consider how hard it is for him at the age he is. He doesn't feel anything like as fit as you.

Utter nonsense. If a man posted on here saying he was having to look after their two high needs children on his own while his wife got on with her own life apart from yelling at the children and being livid about not getting sex, then he'd have the sympathy of the whole site. Not that there's ever been such a post from a man in the years I've been on here.

Well here’s another car crash of a post for you to roll and cross your eyes to. It takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to break it. There may be no love or respect now, but there clearly was in the beginning or they wouldn’t have got together. I’ve actually read OP’s posts very carefully more than once, and there’s an intransigence in them that has clearly been a factor in the relationship ending up where it has. And I stand by what I said. There have been numerous threads on MN universally slamming men for allowing their partners to get to breaking point to get their attention. Which is clearly what’s happened here and indicates that he’s tried unsuccessfully to talk to OP until his anger and resentment have boiled over. Why is it different because he’s a man ?

Op what band is he in nhs, he can retire and return doing less hours but clahis nhs pension, has he already claimed his state pension op,

Your mortgage free so you get to stay in the family home until your daughter is 18 , then you sell ,

Is he threading to retire so you can not claim on hid nhs pension op, be very careful as this may be his plan op,

So maybe lowering your expectations might help.

Oooof….

In none of the posts you reference have the men been unable to give their partners the attention they want because they are the ones solely caring for high needs children, while also working full-time.

His insistence that his 'needs aren't being met' sounds like he wants sex. Which isn't a human right or even an actual 'need'.

So many pick-mes on this thread.

I can’t think of a mechanism by which the OP conceived without him having a ‘say’…

Lowering them to the level where it’s acceptable that he inflicts emotional violence on his disabled 9 year old daughter?

Seems to me OP has already lowered her expectations in that he is emotionally and practically absent / excused from family life and parenting. His absence isn’t enough for him though - he has to cruelly belittle and subjugate his wife who is picking up all his slack as well, whilst he hoards his cash, indulges in his hobbies and social life.

But the OP has said that's she prioritising her own needs, not those of her daughter.

She sleeps in her daughter's room every night because it makes her feel better, not because her daughter needs her to.

"Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples)."

No adult should shout at their children in the way OP describes. I’m not saying I’ve never lost my temper with my children but it’s more of a scream of frustration than repeatedly shouting abuse at them. Being aggressive to small children is not an acceptable form of discipline.

Well to be fair he might have thought she was on the pill etc. although at 58 I wouldn’t have thought he could conceive but clearly so.

The OP has already said he wanted the children.

If this was a one off meltdown then it indicates that he’s tried unsuccessfully to talk to OP. And I don’t think he’s just livid about ‘not getting sex’ - it sounds as though there is no intimacy of any kind, let alone sexual because OP’s entire focus is on the children. it. Why does she sleep with her daughter every night ? It’s a choice, not a need. What is that saying to her DH ?

He’s 68 and clearly struggling - he may be having age related or health problems of his own - how would OP know if she doesn’t talk to him ? And I’ve seen plenty of posts from men, not necessarily in this specific situation, but nevertheless being universally rounded on for allowing their partner’s feelings to get to a point where they have to have a meltdown in order to get their attention. And that’s exactly what’s happened here. He’s got her attention and now she’s gone straight to considering divorce. Which, under the circumstances, I think would be for the best because the whole relationship sounds like a car crash.

Wow, you're really begrudging the mother sharing a room with her daughter who needs oxygen at night because she's too worried to sleep otherwise? She should be in the bedroom shagging her husband instead?

That is an astonishingly hardline attitude.

Christ. No, that's just your specific take on the situation, which you've largely made up.

Thinking the OP should be shagging her husband instead of sleeping in the same room as her disabled daughter who needs oxygen at night because his needs trump hers actually blows my mind.

This. OP’s focus is on the children to the exclusion of all else if there are ‘many many’ other similar examples to consider.

OP do you ever spend time alone with him?

Yes! Absolutely this.
Once I realised that it didn’t have to be all in that day it gave me space to breathe. A friend I confided in said this to me. They also said that when I was ready then that was the time and if it takes a few months or even years then she would be there still.
Even just getting the info and making quiet lists can help you feel empowered about the next steps.

Not making anything up - it’s all there in OP’s posts. I didn’t say OP should be shagging her husband instead of sleeping in the same room as her disabled daughter but I’m glad you brought that up as an example.

If you read what OP said, there is no medical need for her to be sleeping in the same room as her daughter at all. She does it because she can’t sleep unless she is next to her daughter. That’s fulfilling her own need, not that of her child, and apparently is one of many examples that her DH complains about. So she has the opportunity to be with him in the same room during the night, to spend time together and take care of their relationship - not even talking about sex here, because intimacy comes in many forms. But she chooses to be with her child instead. How is that supposed to make him feel ?

Give over, he's just a selfish old addict.

Do you tell that to abused women?

Which presumably OP knew when she married and had kids with him. That doesn’t give her the right to prioritise herself and her children above him.

It’s not that simple @Mangelwurzelfortea - relationships are important too and if they aren’t nurtured they can die. It’s not a matter of prioritising his needs over the DDs, it’s balancing and recognising that a marital relationship IS important and to maintain closeness you need to prioritise it occasionally. If her DD needs her there for medical reasons then of course that would be the priority, but you cannot neglect a relationship for years then be surprised if cracks appear. I am certainly not saying this man should be prioritised, I’m saying that a marriage needs feeding occasionally.

If he's already 68, he's old enough now, if he has sufficient NI credits, to claim it.

He can either defer it, in which case it increases, slightly when claimed, or claim it and spend it or claim it and pay it into a private pension pot for which he will get tax relief on. I'm almost 67 and claim and reinvest the state pension.

Although he's unlikely to have built up sufficient NI to be eligible yet for full pension.

What a mess. I think the maths are OP was 25 and he was 52 when they met. It might sound gold diggerish and mercenary but quite honestly absent ageing rock/film star wealth and a fair, well crafted prenuptial agreement to protect both parties it's madness to have even entered this relationship. And even that doesn't get round the potential issues of aged sperm although money will help alleviating some.