To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

And his behaviour?

Hi @Shedding123. I feel for you. You sound such a devoted mum.

You obviously have to remove yourself and the children from the abuse asap. Would your DH be willing to stay somewhere temporarily (with a friend?) to avoid the children witnessing or being subject to his abuse?

Not condoning or trying to excuse his behaviour. But sounds to me like he’s struggling with his mental health. Which may never have been great if he’s been prone to addiction. Poor mental health can result in angry outbursts. If he’s a mature man, he’d recognise that, remove himself from you and the kids while he’s unwell and seek treatment, e.g. therapy or support groups for fathers of disabled children.

But if he won’t accept his behaviour is unacceptable and damaging, and refuses to leave your home, suggest you speak to a domestic abuse agency (and council homelessness/housing options) service asap. You’ll be entitled to temporary accommodation and/or help to access/afford a private rental while the house is sold.

One option for your housing could be shared ownership. You obvs also need to see a solicitor about the divorce. You may want to ask local groups for parents of disabled children if they could recommend a good solicitor who has experience in divorce with disabled children.

Wishing you all the best. You can do this 💐

It's not eugenics to acknowledge that reproducing with someone of an age to produce defective sperm ISN'T a good idea.

George Clooney may have done it but GC can afford a bank of nurses to look after them too.

Is something wrong with Clooney's dcs?

He’s an old man, if you split he 100% is not going to be asking for joint custody and probably won’t even want your children to stay over night with him at all.

You need to sit down with him, admit it’s not working and tell him you’d be happy to have the children full time with him having day visits with them however that would need to reflect in how much you walk away with so you can actually support them.

You don’t know what his attitude is going to be with regards to splitting finances etc until you ask.

As women, we need to start taking accountability for the decisions we make instead of immediately shouting “shitty men” every time something goes wrong.

Yes, a lot of men behave terribly, that’s exactly why we need to be careful about who we stay with, and who we choose to have children with
.
In this situation, OP had children with a man in his late 50s/early 60s. At that age, sperm quality is lower and the risks of having children with additional needs are higher. They went ahead anyway, and now they have two children with SEN.

Her husband is now basically at retirement age and struggling to cope. It’s a horrible situation for everyone involved. I can understand why he’s overwhelmed.

He's got a 9 year old and a 13 year old that he chose to have, so unless he had a trust fund or loads of savings - which he doesn't, being an ex addict - then how do you think he'd pay for his kids without working? If he didn't want to support them, he shouldn't have had them in his late 50s.

I don't think it's that common to insult your wife in front of your children. In fact I think that's completely unacceptable.

The OP, in her original post, describes her request as passive aggressive.

"Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know."

The rest of your post is just bonkers ranting.

No, she's quite right actually. Not bonkers ranting at all.

Going into the room and asking if he was planning to help with his own children is perfectly fucking normal.

Well yes. Because it wouldn’t be physically possible for a woman of 68 to have such young children. And that’s the imbalance here. This is the end result of a couple with a huge age gap deciding to have children together, so they both have to take responsibility for what’s happening here.

OP I’m not excusing his behaviour because it’s awful, but I’m late sixties and l absolutely cannot imagine having to deal with this stuff at my age - l simply wouldn’t have the energy for it. You mention things like him accusing you of being manipulative and rude - where has that come from ?

Your anger seems to be centred on the effects of his outburst on your children - you don’t mention anything about trying to address the issues he’s expressing. I may be wrong but it sounds like this outburst has come because he’s tried to talk to you previously and feels as though you’re not listening. It’s difficult, l know because most of the childcare is falling to you, but could this be the case ? If so, it’s only a matter of time before it happens again, because the resentment will keep building.

His own history of substance abuse is likely to be a factor in his children's conditions, too but if I were OP, I would be wondering about his MH and cognitive abilities.

It doesn't matter - she shouldn't have had to use any kind of negotiation tactic to get him into the room to do the necessary parenting with her! The fact that you are heaping it all on her for not sufficiently coddling him while he tries to avoid being a father is just a further symptom of this kind of messed up thinking where everyone else has to manage him and he never has to manage himself.

Rather like dismissing a clear, lucid and well reasoned post as "bonkers ranting". Just lazy ways to avoid thinking or doing anything.

He sounds like a typical addict, full of self importance and a superiority complex. It sounds like he has gone through life, not having to hold himself responsible for very much at all, yet demands all the respect for himself.
You are doing yourself a favour by getting a divorce OP. You will no longer have to deal with his moping, his outbursts and his threats. You will build a routine that fits around you and your children, without walking on eggshells. You won't have to care for an elderly, nasty man, who has never helped you care for your children.
Yourself and your children will have a nicer home life. There are rest bite services out there, depending on your location some are more available than others however, I'm confident there will be a community that supports parents of children with additional needs. Even if it's people who offer relatable conversations and shared understanding.
You may be pleasantly surprised in the life you make for yourself after this.
There will also be financial support out there for you. There are calculators online for you to use also. Good luck to you and your children.

The OPs husband also chose all of those things.

Gosh what a difficult situation! I do feel for your family. I do agree he sounds depressed and you’re overwhelmed, both very understandable.

Yoire not living as husband and wife, from your posts. You sound like you’re co-parenting and that’s enough for you.
Your husband sounds like he wants more of a marriage and that’s fine too.
It’s not unusual for women with children with SEND to plot all or most of their energy into caring for the children when they feel the men are not pulling their weight. Then some men resent the situation and relationships break down.
Its sadly far too common.
All the best in deciding on what’s best for your family.

Is understandable if he’s tried to talk to OP before about how he feels and has been dismissed because her focus is the children. The OP’s account of what happened during the outburst is entirely about the effects on the children - there isn’t one word about taking the time to find out what’s troubling him. And if he’s accusing OP of being manipulative and rude, then clearly a lot of resentment is building.

At 68 he will undoubtedly be having difficulties with full on parenting of two children with significant special needs. OP says he’s still working and pulls his weight with housework, but from how she describes his recent behaviour - not coming home for dinner etc, it sounds as though he’s slowly checking out because he’s overwhelmed.

He's just too old and tired, poor and can't see an end to it.

I'm his age and would be feeling the same. I know my DH at that age would have had a shorter fuse. He can now with the grandchildren who he adores but is relieved to hand back.

I'm afraid OP is on her own.

Hard agree.
You don’t have to divorce him TODAY. You don’t have to see a solicitor TODAY. You don’t have to sell the house this week, month or even this year. Just start gathering info. Find the name of a solicitor. Understand how much money you spend in an average month. Start making lists. Every little piece of information is power. I wish I hadn’t spent years in an unhappy marriage miserably thinking, “but I don’t earn enough to fund another house” etc. And doing nothing but continuing to live a miserable life.

I'm hoping that maybe he has tried to atone for his behaviour last night OP. You sent one of those messages at 5.30 or so. Either that's an early start or sleeping disruption.

But yeah this is the scales falling from the eyes moment.

Excluding any pension payments he might pay out of his £58k earnings or any student loans, his net salary should be £3,683 per month. Have you ever seen his payslips? Could he be earning something different? More? Less?

If he's giving you £1,700, that's nearly £2k a month that he's saving for himself or spending on this hobby of his. Hopefully he has some fairly substantial savings that he can help himself and you live on when you split.

If this is unusual behaviour I would be a bit concerned at his age about the start of cognitive decline, but this isn't a reason to stay.

As you said, he agreed to children, despite the age gap, and probably expected that they'd not have any problems and they'd be easy to deal with so you would be able to look after both them and him in his advancing years. Now he's seen his little safety net of care disappearing. The going off of sex while you were bigger is another indication to me that you were, effectively, a tool that served a purpose to him and he agreed to children to keep you on board. Now his perfect little plan is falling apart and his true colours are showing.

I hope you manage to get out and make a plan. I know there's difficulties with finances, but I would suggest having a good hunt around the house when he's out at work for any paperwork that gives you a clue about his other finances, before making a solicitor's appointment. It might not be as bad as you fear.

I'm sorry for the situation.
However, it was easy to predict - he was already in 'grandpa' age when kids were born. I thought it would have been logical for you to predict you'd be left all alone with kids at some point in the future. He probably cannot take it anymore, his mental state will be slowly declining and things are going to get much worse as time goes by.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. Please don't spend another moment thinking about where his anger is coming from, it doesn't matter. He's awful, is vile to you and is terrifying your children. The marriage is over and he can go and be angry elsewhere.

My biggest piece of advice would be don't think too far ahead. It can become overwhelming and cause a paralysis where it becomes impossible to change anything.

You've made the decision, that was the hardest part. This will work out fine and you will find a way to manage financially. Go and see a solicitor to get an idea of what the future might look like. Get recommendations and look at reviews before you go. Just take a tiny step at a time, and keep walking. I was in a similar situation to you, except I'd been made redundant and domestic violence was involved. It was a difficult few years getting everything sorted, but I came though it sooo much happier. You will too.

Court won't give much of a shit about that. He will just have to rent like other people do. If he didn't work during his 20 - 30s he won't have much of a pension despite his age.

I suspect he's partly angry because he saw you as his retirement plan. He could retire and you could provide for him financially, physically and emotionally. You were his carer, his sexual servant and his financial security.

Instead your kids ended up 'ruining' this plan with their disabilities.

If he's still working at 68, even though he says he enjoys it, its probably because he can't afford to retire. If he didn't work for a long time he may have been short on NI credits for a full state pension too.

The reality for him with dependant young disabled children might well be a room in a shared house.

I haven't read the whole thread- so apologies if this is a repeat-
You have got over and above parenting role as you are a carer as well. I'm sorry to hear about that it can't have been nice.
Most solicitors will offer a free initial consultation. You can do that without committing to anything. Included in that should be some indication of how you can expect finances and housing to go.
From what you have said you have time to.plan. take one step.at a time.
If you make the break mediation can work but may not in which case that needs to be discussed between solicitors.
As you have a disabled child this additionally affects the way the courts view it all. It's worth taking the advice you aren't obliged to use it.