To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

I could see from his point of view that he thought this was fairytale ending. Pissed away his life on booze (or drugs?) in his 20 s and 30s then got himself clean and bags a high paying job with a young wife and new family. Like a fresh start.

But then reality intervenes. he's got the nerve to dump all this on you and get arsey over the money. And the "he doesn't find me attractive" thing. He's 68. Do you find him attractive?

I understand what you are saying. But the reason he is still working at 68 years old isnt just because of young children. OP’s posts make clear that her husband does not have a full work history due to addiction. If you take decades out of the workforce, you will always be playing catch-up. For him to choose to have children on top of this in his late years was an unusual choice - but it was his choice.

OP, Id start looking at what you would be entitled to and model out your finances both with your husband and without him. Id do it on the basis that he will retire whether you stay together or not. If he has lost years to addiction, his physical health is unlikely to be good after 70. Dont do anything rash - but seriously think about what you want your future to look like. I think there is a real risk you are left caring for an angry man when you want to focus on your children.

Read through what OP has written again. Why does he necessarily have to ‘atone’ for anything ? He sounds very like a man who has reached the end of his tether because he is struggling to cope and not being listened to whenever he tries to express that.

OP’s focus throughout the outburst was entirely on the effects on the children. And continues to be so - she’s gone straight to investigating divorce. Not one word about talking to her DH about what has led to such an outburst. He called her manipulative and rude. Where did that come from and why is she not asking why he thinks that ? There’s more to this than meets the eye and an undertone of unwillingness on OP’s part to consider the fact that he may be struggling - possibly with his own health problems.

I don't know how they both thought he would support the family without working. Ask OP why she chose to have a relationship and family with an ex addict who was nearly 30 yrs older than her.

Many things are said during an argument in the heat of the moment insults included. These type of insults aren't exclusive to men either during arguments. I think both of them are at fault tbh.

I would imagine given the age gap between OP and her DH they have very different experiences of parenting. Is one right over the other? no of course not. Maybe he hasn't been listened to... we don't know as we only have a tiny snapshot of their lives.

He probably shouldn’t have had a child at 59 then, if he ‘expected’ a quiet life at 68.
Anyway I’m not sure about you but I’ve never yelled at my 9 year old that she’s ’manipulative like her mother’. Peoples parenting standards are in the gutter if they think that’s either normal or acceptable.

I 100% agree. And i dont think it is normal to shout and swear in front of your children.

He sounds exhausted and stressed. He handles it like a complete knob, but if you love each other then I wouldn’t immediately jump to LTB - we all have a breaking point. He is 68 with young children with additional needs and can’t retire. He might be really struggling.
I’m not saying you aren’t of course before thousands of angry MNs say that! 😂
do you love each other? Sleeping with your DD every night - is this a medical need? Is there a chance when you look at it objectively he has a bit of a point and he is feeling alone and pushed away?
please don’t get me wrong - what he has done is absolutely vile and a real dick move.

It absolutely does matter where his anger is coming from. He’s describing OP as manipulative and rude. I’d want to know why he thinks this and l’d be asking myself if there was any truth to it. The outburst was in front of the children and he told OP it would be good for them to hear - there is clearly a lot more to this than meets the eye. OP’s account of the outburst was entirely focused on the effects on the children and moved straight to investigating divorce. There is no concern expressed at all for the resentment and turmoil her DH must have been feeling to behave in this way.

OP you seen very focussed on the effect your DH shouting at your 9 year old daughter, but in a later post you state her teenage brother had been physically attacking her for the last 45 minutes. This is the most worrying thing in the whole thread for me, a 13 year old male who is going to get bigger and stronger repeatedly hitting a younger disabled child even when he is told to stop. I appreciate that this is a really difficult situation for you, and I understand it's hard for your son to control himself due to his own disabilities, but this needs addressing by both parents in a united way, even if it means your son ends up living with his dad and daughter stays with you.

OP, I think he actively dislikes you. That's the one point that I, personally, would have at the front of any decisions from here on.

It's the classic ad hominem attack tactic, isn't it? This person would rather insult PP than actually address their points.

Whenever I see this, I immediately know that the person has well and truly lost the argument, and has embarrassed themself in the bargain.

A lot of men do this. It's not the flex they think it is.

Ah, but the kicker is...he doesnt share his money. He is out all week until late and is going away for a week to indulge his hobby. If he can't help with childcare he should be paying for help. He's not depressed, he's not poor, he may be old but he's clearly always been a failure as a husband.
OP has clearly been incredibly naive, but there are children now and they must come first.
Of course, if he had actually sorted some help years ago he might have miraculously kept his young wife....but its too late now. A future in a bedsit drinking himself to death seems likely.
Dont let him drag you down OP

This. To all the women who say 'there's nothing wrong with grown adult men starting relationships with much younger women', here's just one of the outcomes of big age/experience gap + manipulative/abusive man.

For those of you sympathising with a 68 year old man having to still work,
need to read all of the Op's replies - this man has barely worked in his life !

he didn't do much, if any work, in his 20's 30's and 40's !!!

Thus he is barely eligible for the full state pension !!! as it doesn't appear he has worked for 35 years in total
( that was google btw @WearyAuldWumman :) and more than one reply has said he will need 40 years contributions ! ( @WearyAuldWumman again and I believe she is right )

The Op can only think of a few years that he has contributed to private pensions tho hopefully some more may appear. I doubt he will be eligible for pension credit due to having some but not a lot ! of private pension.

So of course he still has to work ! due to his choices / addiction/s in his earlier life

The Op has paid a large amount of the current home due to inheritance.

The husband will probably have to rent, due to his age he may very well be eligible for 55+ / 60+ social housing if so - he will get a whole one bedroom flat all to himself and pay a low rent for it.

And he didn't realise that his age meant you were much less likely to have (in his view) 'picture perfect' kids?

The state pension is about to rise to 68 if not 70 anyway. (Edit. Some posts here) Fawning over him for not being retired like it's some great hardship when it is going to be standard for most ppl within the decade

Newsflash.

The OP is not responsible for her husbands behaviour. She does not have a responsibility to examine what is motivating him to be abusive. She does not need to make an effort to accommodate his unreasonableness. He is not a fucking child who needs to be parented by the OP in his behaviour. If he is struggling he's grown adult who can sort his own shit out.

The OP only has responsibility for herself and her children.

As I say on these threads, its always telling to look for comments about whether the poster loves her partner. Go through all her posts. Not once does she make a comment about loving him or feeling loved. Unless you have that as your foundation, then a relationship has very little to fall back onto except a sense of duty.

A sense of duty is not a healthy foundation for any marriage.

I don’t think those are unreasonable expectations. He sounds like a nightmare and l can see why you want a divorce. He was out of order the other night. In general he sounds lazy, selfish and checked out lm afraid. Why does he leave you sort everything and prioritise his own social life all the time?

Your only 41

bin him off

you don’t want to get stuck caring for him too the miserable twat he is

yes you will be more hard up
but it might improve your child’s and your own mental health which is priceless

OP just to reassure you that if you sold the house with your share you could buy outright a house somewhere a bit cheaper in the UK. I know how important your friend network probably is right now but if it came to it you have options.

I am in a nice area of Glasgow and bought a 3 bed home for £130k. You could buy the home, pay off the debt and have a chunk of money left over to top up PIP and carers allowance.

This is such a shit situation you're in, your husband sounds like a real prick. Maybe like others have said you're actually dodging a huge bullet getting rid of him now before you need to care for him too.

Sending love ❤

You sound like an amazing mother. You were a young adult when an older man took advantage of you, and he turned out to be a horrible, horribe person. I know that most of the relationship choices I made in my mid 20s were pretty bad, the human brain isn't fully developed till our mid to late 20s! It doesn't mean we shouldn't have relationships, of course, but a 50-something year old man SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

You have your two very loved children, and it's not going to be easy, partly because of his age and partly because of his abusive nature, but you've got this. You can do it.

Because we live in a patriarchy and their needs are far more important than the kids will ever be.

It's a mess, but women have been in worse situations and gone on to have a happy life.

Your husband envisaged keeping you happy and around to look after you, if he provided kids. I have absolutely no idea why you decided getting together and having a kids with a man so much older was a good thing to do but it was never going to end well.

The kids have got health issues, you aren't ( in his eyes) providing your wifely duties to him so he has checked out of family life. You are all just inconvenient noise to him. He stays at work and goes out a lot to avoid you all.

At least if you split up you will avoid the inevitability of being his carer, as well as a carer to your 2 children. Yes money will be tighter but you will all be happier and have more stability.

I very much doubt he will want much contact with the kids anyway, he certainly won't want them overnight, but you will be able to get respite care for your daughter. I wouldn't trust him with them anyway.

Start the splitting up process as soon as you can, no need to rush it. A good solicitor will be needed but the house will probably need to be sold if he doesn't agree to just move out and fund a flat on his own. You are mortgage free so that is a huge bonus.

Good luck!

The age gap jumped out to me too. Having kids with a man 30 years older should come with greater stability and security. And him beimg annoyed at not having “picture perfect” children is odd but even odder considering that the risk increases with parental age.

I wonder if he's angry because he was looking for a carer for himself?

You really will be ok OP. I know it will be a struggle but you have a lot more money than many and your life will be so much easier without this horrible man. I wouldn't trust any man who chose someone 27 years younger anyway.

Make sure you take as much money as you possibly can. I didn't do that and I regret it because my exH never appreciated how fair I tried to be. You don't owe him anything so do this for you children if you can't do it for yourself. You've got so much life ahead of you at 41 so don't waste any more of it with this man.