To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

Oh absolutely.

There is a hard wired difference in the sexes between which parents are prepared to abandon their children and which aren't.

Yep indeed.

Whilst 'sterilisation' is a bit extreme, it's true that older parents are more likely to have children with disabilities. And by 'older', the statistics mean over 35! If he's fathering babies in his late 50s the statistical likelihood of this sort of situation is greatly increased. And he is a rat fink for wanting to leave the younger mother in a situation his older age is likely responsible for.

You absolutely did, and additionally it's rather telling that you think it's "entitled" of someone to criticise something that you say.

Oops.posted too quick

I m sorry for the children.

OP and her husband were very mature adults when they decided to have kids (and my guess is that OP wanted it more than the husband) when old, broke, with low quality sperm and without being ready for parenthood.

When I was in the fog about ending my marriage what helped me was understanding that knowledge had power.
Writing down income/outgoings
Assets (there wasn’t much tbf 🤣)
Benefits calculation on entitled to.
Chatting with womens aid and some areas have a legal clinic which helped me see that some behaviours of his were emotionally abusive. Also they were unbiased, they didn’t know me or him. They gave me their advice which actually helped me feel less alone.
Once I had that information, I felt more confident in making a decision.
Ultimately we didn’t separate, a long story. But as emotional as you feel right now, a logical approach will stand you in good stead for what comes next. I won’t jump into what he has done or ponder why he has behaved this way. You will already be doing that. But start looking at how life would look without him.

I'd suggest counselling first - you get on well when he's not simmering with anger - his anger needs to be addressed - you have a lot to cope with. ANd holidays, spending 24/7 high expectations of a good time - often go wrong. Take a breath before making a big decision on this - there is no rush.

You can't keep your children in this situation. You sound highly capable and he is bringing very little to the table in reality. His age has very little to do with it - my relative was fostering newborn babies with drug addiction in her 60s. People focusing in on how irresponsible you have been because of his age are way off the mark. His age is irrelevant in his behaviour. Someone above suggesting you were old is even worse.

Figure it out rationally and work out how to leave him. You do everything anyway and with him off your place it's one less source of stress.

It sounds like he feels like he 'lost' his 20s and 30s to addiction, so he's tried to make up for that by having the family most people have in their 20s/30s in his 50s, but is an old man and can't actually manage that, especially as the kids are high needs. None of which excuses his behaviour to you. It also sounds as if he's not used to having to be responsible for other people - addiction is essentially selfish, as it means you only care about your addiction, and during that time other people looked after him so he's got used to that. Essentially he's an immature manchild in an old(er) man's body.

I'm absolutely fascinated about what drew you to him in the first place OP - but that's me because I volunteer with addicts and it's besides the point here. Addicts - even ex-addicts - are always tricky. You do need to leave him if this is how he's treating you and the kids. I wish you the very best with it.

She’s 9. Honestly blows my mind that you’re defending a grown man against a 9 year old child.

Try to get counselling for all your sakes.
Spoken as one who left a marriage.

You need to be very careful on the pension front. If he takes it (retires) then you may not be entitled to it, especially if it's a DB pension.

I agree with all of the above except to say that he presumably had agency when he made those choices? Unless he was somehow trapped in to fatherhood, and even then, he will have played an active part in conception!

I think he sounds like someone with an avoidant personality who has never taken proper responsibility for himself, his choices, or his family. And he is now angry that he doesn’t have the freedom to do exactly as he pleases.

I think that now his frustration has spilled out on to the children op, it doesn’t leave you much option but to leave. I mean, it’s not good that he seems to be full of resentment and anger towards you, but at least you can make a choice as to how you respond and a child can’t do that.

It’s so sad that your dh is choosing to act in such an immature way when it’s no one’s fault that your dc need extra care. He should be buoying everyone up when it gets too much but to rant and rave on a special holiday is nothing but pure selfishness.

Good luck op with whatever you decide to do.

To be fair - the change I've seen in a dear friend who is nearly 70 has been breath taking. The age difference between us (20 years) has never been a problem before but since she hit around 68 her energy levels have changed - she mentions her age all the time - she slowing down quite a bit and unable to cope with a lot of stuff. I've had to step in a few times to support her.

And yet again women and mothers are making all the excuses they can scrabble around for him and reserving all their judgement for the OP and apparently a 9 year old child.

Quite. It never changes.

That's still nothing to do with a man behaving like an ogre towards his wife and the children he chose to have, knowing how old he was, and the wife being told that she needs to be more empathetic and understanding. The problem here is not merely that he's tired.

I think most people shout at their kids, it's very common. I see people shouting at kids all the time no matter where I go. I think most people swear around their kids as well - i hear kids in primary school swearing every day...

I don't think kids should be speaking back when getting a telling off, it's cheeky and rude. Absolute no-no for me

OP said she was pass agg. which as she said isn't ideal however the father should be paying attention to whats going on and also be parenting their kids.

Surprised to read the DH is 68 and still working - i would think he is tired and expected to be having a quieter life at his age.

Don't assume they're all women. I'm sure some are, but we definitely have a significant cohort of men posing as women on here.

Leave this old bitter man, before you wake up a widow in your 60s, wishing you'd been able to enjoy the last twenty years instead of caring for a bully.

"Most people shout at their kids" just doesn't excuse him shutting himself away, doing fuck all to help with his own children, and then charging through the house shouting and bawling at everyone. If anyone could be excused shouting, it's the OP - and she didn't.

Your situation is fairly complicated so you definitely need legal advice asap.

It doesn’t sound like he would even want the DC overnight so that’s a consideration. Did you ring fence the money you used to pay off the mortgage?

Sorry, but I cannot get past someone choosing a partner 30 years older and THEN deciding to have one child, and then another with him. Older men fathering children increases risks of ill health in those children. What did you think would happen OP? You are going straight from caring for children into caring for an older man, and all the issues that goes with that. Poor choices. And it’s difficult to see how this resolves well for all of you.

Oh I know, sometimes it's really obvious. But still there are many many women who can never put themselves in another woman's shoes - only a mans.