To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

They feel entitled to ALL the oxygen.

I'm so sorry, what an awful mess.

Nothing excuses how he is dealing with this but I'm his age in a few weeks and I can't imagine having the energy to work full time and deal with children with the needs you've described.

Also he's old enough for some kind of dementia to be kicking in, which could account for some change of character. Especially with the previous drug abuse.

It's pretty clear you need the house and I would hope that you can't be forced out of it. In which case it's his problem to find himself the cheapest lodgings he can get, and you'll need to claim every benefit you can get hold of.

Please log the shouting episodes, he is abusing you and the children even if nothing physical happens. It will count against him when the chips are down.

I expected a loving relationship and for my husband, no matter aged 17 or 90 to not shout and swear at me or our disabled child.

@Shedding123

One thing to bear in mind, whatever you take from his pension will likely then be considered as income and deducted from your UC payments.

Of course she won't have to pay for 2 households.

And she might be entitled to more benefits without this prince weighing her down.

A court will take the kids' needs into account, it's not a 50/50 split in these situations.

OP, dexide what you want and you can use chat gpt somewhat before uou go running to a solicitor. They are EXTORTIONATE.

hope you have some resl life support. The kids are better away from your H. Sorry it's so difficult.

I think when you reach his age you may understand better why he is reacting in the way he is. He should not be reacting that way with you and especially not with the children, but he's already past normal retirement age and faced with never being able to stop because of the needs of his family.

It's very difficult at 40 imagining what it must be like to be nearly 70. I think he's far from alone in being out of his depth with the situation he has trapped himself in. He is quite likely deeply depressed about life.

All of which is no help to you, except perhaps to understand the situation a little.

I expect that it’s very rare for women of that age to start ditching their familial responsibilities, hoarding their money and being abusive to those around them, though. It appears to be mainly male behaviour, regardless of the pressures around them.

You read this and think OP is the one lacking empathy and understanding?

It sounds like there is something else going on here, and your family are just an irritation while he concerns himself with his other matters.

He has definitely checked out, and I suspect you have no other option but to move on.
Neither you or your children should have to live walking on eggshells, waiting for an explosion.

Would he even want to see the children when he leaves?
Speak to a solicitor ASAP to work out your financial situation, taking as much documentation as possible.
You are probably entitled to more than you think, but either way, knowledge is power and you will feel stronger knowing where you stand.

Best of luck. You've got this.

Let this be a warning to any other young women thinking of marrying a man twice their age who has wasted almost his entire life up to that point!

Who can honestly say that they've never shouted at their children?

The OP (passive aggressively) asked him to help with the kids who were running riot. He came in and shouted at them. That's a role that lots of dads are expected to play - 'shall I tell daddy what you've done?' or 'wait until daddy gets home'.

Children can be very manipulative. Is there a back story here? Does the OP indulge her daughter due to her disability? Does she undermine her husband when he attempts to discipline bad behaviour, such as manipulation?

@Shedding123
It's time for you to get clinically calm and do your homework. There are a lot of red flags in the situation you describe and you should find out what life without your husband would look like to inform your decisions.

I do think it is worth contacting Women's Aid to see whether they can offer any support. Some of the financial stuff you mention does not sound right.

You should look into local family law solicitors and see which ones offer a free hour of initial advice (many do). Ask if they have experience of splits involving disabled children. Before you use this hour do your homework. Write down all the info you have about finances, assets, debts, house value and your childrens' needs. Look for any docs you can find about your husbands pensions and bank accounts and take pics. Also write down all your questions and order them in terms of importance.

Seek out some IRL support. You sound desperately like you need a hug.

Sending you strength and best wishes 💪

You don't need to care for your daughter for life and it will not be the best thing for her if you do because her care and support will all crash when you die. As she gets older, you can slowly get more and more care support in place at a pace which works for you both until she is living independently. She could be living somewhere with support at 18 if that is what is best for you or in your home but with carers coming in so she is independent from you.

How will being retired stop him from paying child maintenance? Child Maintenance will take it from his pension. He is not invincible to the law just because he's retired. You need to contact CAB and see where you legally stand. This isn't healthy for anyone. You will get UC to top you up as well, so you won't be destitute. You can get Carer's Element on UC.

Also, 68 with young children...jesus. Are you sure his attitude isn't coming from some form of early onset dementia? Or just the fact he's too old to be in this family dynamic and you need someone young and healthy with mental capacity to handle this? Sorry if I am coming across as harsh, but I see too many consequences of older parents having this damaging effect on children. It's not fair on anyone. Unless of course they are adult children, then you need to call your LA and ask for some carer support.

This doesn't sound like a marriage OP.

He doesn't come home for dinner. He does not contribute to care for the children. You've gone into debt to pay for your daughter's medical expenses yourself, and yet you have no visibility of where a large chunk of his salary is going. There doesn't seem to be love here.

See a solicitor, research how you can survive on your own, and find freedom.

Child Maintenance is, apparently, £3.50 if the person paying is retired.

The OP (passive aggressively) asked him to help with the kids who were running riot.

She wanted him to do some parenting with her? Pass agg bitch!

Children can be very manipulative.

Yeah! They're in charge, aren't they? Blame the children!

That's a role that lots of dads are expected to play - 'shall I tell daddy what you've done?' or 'wait until daddy gets home'.

It's not his fault, he was pressured into this role that I just made up!

Does the OP indulge her daughter due to her disability? Does she undermine her husband when he attempts to discipline bad behaviour, such as manipulation?

That nasty woman, caring for her child who's so manipulative with her disability! The poor, poor man!

The pretzels some people will tie themselves up in to excuse a horrible angry man...

As awful as it is, the hate from him has come from your lack of sex life. That isn't your fault - it's complex and totally understandable that you felt rejected by him when you were a different weight and shape. But now he feels rejected by you. And that leads to disrespect and contempt. He blames you, he blames the kids ... doesn't sound like he blames himself. It's very hard to come back from this. You are both living in a highly pressurised environment and, perhaps your attachment style of parenting is pushing you further apart. Such differences in parenting approach can really make one parent feel inferior and frustrated. But also understandable that you've taken this approach with two children that need a high level of care. What do you really need from him besides money? There's no space for your relationship if you aren't truly co-parenting. And why he should he co-parent your way if he doesn't believe in it?

It sounds as though you both need to learn how to communicate with each other. The only way to do this now would be with counselling. But maybe it's too little, too late.

Your husband can get a mortgage op if he has a private pension. It's taxed income. The age may be restricted to 80. We have a new mortgage in our sixties as we're pensioned and insured.

You need to think about your future as a dependent child will need extra funds for housing. You have a job and can be mortgaged at 3/4 x your £29k income at 41. No problem. Twenty five or thirty year mortgage will make it affordable. You said you own 60% of the house so you could buy him out.
Next he has to declare all income even if he retires. Pensions are usually at 50/66 % of final salary. He's not going to be poor.

It might be an age thing, it might be he's a shit. You said his family supported him as an addict, are they wealthy, is he due an inheritance he doesn't want to share?

Fwiw we have a sen young adult and it's been a hard road. I'm not sure our DD will ever live independently. Decent people make the best of it not level abuse at their family.

I feel very much for the OP, obviously. This abuse from her DH isn't acceptable and is definitely grounds for divorce.

But starting a family with a man who was almost 60 at the time was not a good idea. Old man's sperm is known to be the cause of many birth defects. And they have disabled children.

Also adding in the age factor. I am 60. There is no way on earth I could cope with NT children at my age. It would be too much. Why anyone (him particularly, but also OP) thought having children at that age would be a good idea I don't know.

That doesn't change the fact of course that the children are here now and are vulnerable. Leaving him is the best thing for everyone. The children, her AND him.

As awful as it is, the hate from him has come from your lack of sex life

Nonsense.
The hate from him has come from the fact that he's a selfish cunt who doesn't respect his wife or love his children.

The eugenicists have arrived

This is the reality of large age gap relationships. Most men I've met past 60 are already half way into turning into Victor Meldrew/Basil Fawlty. Add in young kids and additional needs - I'm feeling a little bit sorry for him in truth as well as you.

Life shouldn't and doesn't have to be this hard. And why he's like this is largely irrelevant anyway. But what is clear is that you can't both survive in this marriage. I totally agree that you need to plan your escape route before you end up caring for 3.

Even though he was anti- medical treatment and therefore the loan?

Yes of course.
But the pp doesn't mean he will have to pay half of the repayments - it goes into the mix with everything else.
As does the value of the house even though you used your inheritance to pay off the mortgage.

I wrote nothing that entitles you to come to that conclusion, other than on understand the effects of being nearly 70 which you cannot know until you live it.