To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

He sounds abusive, taking solo holidays, going out for dinner, hoarding his salary and doling out a pittance while you pay for his house and his kids and get nothing at all, not even an hour off. He’s disgusting. I bet there was some sort of grooming as well if you met him when you were- what? 25, and he was 53.

Apart from him I would be very surprised if you weren’t financially better off. I saw on another thread that if you used your own inheritance to pay the house off you can have that taken into consideration because inheritance isn’t usually seen as shared even in a marriage. And then if there isn’t enough for you to buy somewhere, perhaps your DD’s condition mean you could be considered for social housing. As she will need lifelong care it would not be unreasonable for the savings aspect of UC to be waived, I don’t know how it would work. But definitely, definitely go and see a solicitor, and please tell the kids’ schools as well. Get as a much support as you can.

I don’t have experience of being a carer for my dc but I do have experience of leaving abusive men, and you will feel a million times lighter once you’re free of his clutching hands around your neck. Good luck @Shedding123 , the future can be so much better for you than the last 15 years.

He did that!
Make a massive scene, with children in distress, just to get off helping a bit!!!! He has no feelings! Or common sense!
You have to kick him out. And now. Your title is right indeed.

Could he have the onset of dementia, that can present as anger?

68 with two young kids and he's still working. No wonder he is tired and grumpy!
If ever there was an advert for not marrying someone a generation older, this is it.
Life doesn't sound great for any of you ☹️

Hi op, different circs but I have a SEN DC and became a single mum last year after leaving an abusive relationship, it's hard but worthwhile.

I wouldn't talk to your DH about your plans any further, just make calls while he's at work, just so you don't enrage him (NB it's not on you to manage his anger but hopefully what I said makes sense) also you don't want him squirreling away assets or syphoning off anything that should be shared equally

Just go grey rock for now

I've had a sleepless night (PTSD) so sending tired hugs to you xx

This not helpful at all. OP is bringing up the kids alone from the sounds of things. She is doing a sterling job in what sounds like very very difficult circumstances.

I can’t even imagine the full amount of pressure she is under, appointing blame for having kids with her husband is not on at all.

As someone with an ex DP who was an alcoholic, drinking zero alcohol wine or beer is a warning sign. Very possibly craving the real stuff, and moving onto it soon if he hasn't already started. It sounds like a relapse waiting to happen and most people do relapse... only 1/3 of alcoholics manage to stay off it. It would partly explain rhe dreadful behaviour.

In short , this is an awful environment for you and the kids, and another vote to say "please leave". Good luck, and you will find being a single parent easier than your current nightmare, which could well get worse. An alcoholic in recovery with two kids, and throw in additional needs ... that sounds a disaster waiting to happen.

Don't hang around waiting for him to get better, or keep giving more chances ... you'll waste you and your kids' precious peace and sanity. I did it as a single parent initially on a lower income than you, you can too. Also get in touch with Al-Anon. Great support from there.

I suppose he must be fully aware that a parent's long term addiction to drugs and/or alcohol plus being much older at conception can increase the likelihood of having children with disabilities - it's not rocket science (sperm is 'damaged') - so he should be more supportive of DC as one could say HE caused their problems/disabilities by having these DC.

Honestly, he is one of the most shallow, selfish, despicable men I have ever read about on Mumsnet and he has some stiff competition.

He obviously has no empathy at all and he can only think about his own needs and will have a tantrum if they aren't met.

He was obviously supported and cared for by his family when he was an addict and he expects that kind of care and to be put first ahead of his own children to a level that is almost pathological.

Your main worries relate to money and where you will live. You need to seek urgent advice about what you would be entitled to (from Citizens Advice and a family/divorce solicitor) but I truly believe that you and your children will be happier without him.

I agree with the idea of counselling. It seems to me that at the age of 68 your husband is struggling to cope with the complexities of life. Rather than throw away your marriage based on one terrible evening try to get to the root of the problem.

As someone with parents that are your husband's age they get tired after looking after their grandchildren. Agree with PP, when I see people talking about having kids with men in their 50s I can't help but hope that they'll be able to manage alone if he gets too old and tired to be a parent.

I'm guessing that you were quite vulnerable when the two of you got together. Do you now have anyone else in your life that can help support you through this?

Wrong!
Being married does not make you responsible for debt that someone else has signed up to! Really bad to spout stuff like this.

Rather than reduce all the complexities and issues OP has described down to "one terrible evening", try to read all her posts and think a little bit.

LTB definitely. He sounds awful. 💐

My other half is the DH’s age here and has a similar lifestyle - works hard, has hobbies. Please don’t assume all men this age are lacking in energy.
This man has married a woman young enough to be his daughter and I assumed he’d agreed to children thinking ‘she’ will look after them. He gets a young wife, someone to facilitate his life, and he gets to live his selfishly. However having kids with additional needs isn’t something he’s thought about, despite having worked in two caring professions.
OP, it’s not my job to pry but something has driven you to this much older man, who is also an addict. He may not be in active addiction now, but if he’s not looking after his sobriety, you are getting the dry drunk in full force - mean, aggressive, angry. Drinking alcohol free wine is not good.
HE has a lot to lose here. He may be 68 but he’s never grown up. He might moan about the mess but when he ends up alone, he will realise what you provided.
Please note that your inheritance will be taken into account in a financial settlement.
When you divorce him, he won’t retire yet. He’s not going to sit at home all day.
Do you have family nearby and what do they think of him?
Therapy on your own would be such a help. You are only 41 you have many years to go.
You deserve to be loved and so do your children.
Sadly, your DH is like an extra child you have to carry who is nothing like your loving DS and DD.

I think you need to face the reality of the age gap. Late 60s-70s is personally where I saw the personality of my grandparents and then parents change gradually, and a lot of my friends have seen the same in their family.

It's obviously not the same for all and you can predict which way it will go, but there is a definite trend around me.

The main change in behaviour I have observed is less patience and much stronger irritation to the environment. And less restraint to express that irritation. I think it's similar to what you describe as "anger".

You can't reverse aging, and I don't think it's something that can be controlled for him either, so I doubt it can get better.

It's a horrible environment for your children to grow up in, and also bad for you (and your husband), so the best option is for you to leave.
Whilst he seems angry now, things might get better if you approach the separation calmly. It's probably what he wants too anyway, even if he's not admitting it right now.

For the financials, a solicitor will help you figure out what you are entitled to (e.g. whether the debt can be split), and ultimately you'll find a new balance. You seem extremely resourceful, I have no doubts that you will be fine and happier.

The man is nearly 70 and was formerly addicted to something.

How is his health? If poor it may be more financially prudent to wait if it might not be long and he will stay out of the way.

It is very easy for posters to encourage immediate financial uprooting, but your dc are going to need every penny.

If not and he is likely to live for too long, have you checked benefit calculators? My sister actually ended up much better off (quite rightly too) as she also has a severly disabled dc and couldn't work as much after the divorce.

Wow, you picked a real winner to be the father of your children. Absolutely shocking. You better start recording his outbursts as evidence. Young women need more guidance about being discerning regarding the men they choose. Choosing badly screws up your entire life, as this is a case in point. RECORD HIM. And maybe you can get carers income for your daughter and benefits. See a disability benefits advisor in addition to lawyer.

I’m sorry you are experiencing this. I have two children one with ASD. My husband recently walked out as he couldn’t cope parenting the child with ASD. im also in a low paid job as I do all the care. I’ve actually found myself to be in a better situation financially as I’m entitled to universal credit. My solicitor is also ensuring I’m set up in terms of keeping the house etc.

sending you hugs and strength with whatever you decide

He sounds like an absolute prick but with much an age gap I feel sorry for the kids, I'm not sure what you expected with an age gap of nearly 30 years to be honest?

Can we please just put it on blast to women not to marry men old enough to be their dads? There is something WRONG with a man who wants such an age gap and their sperm is TOXIC. They should all be sterilized to bring down the risk of children born with disabilities.

So, he started working when most people start to think about retirement? And yet he still has a £320k house all paid off? How did he manage that then?

Putting the age in perspective, when I am his age, my kids will be your age. It's all a bit strange.

Honestly, I'd not leave him. Based on most people I know, he's probably only got 5-7 years left, and then you'll inherit everything. Harsh but true. Make a separate life for yourself, make new friends, maybe even date a bit, and just wait it out.

OP, I’ve read your posts and don’t think you’ve mentioned any RL support. Do you have family and friends nearby to help?

If you do, then lean into them for support. If not, I’d be speaking to Women’ Aid and single parents charities for advice and guidance.

Your husband sounds horrible. It may be he can’t cope because of his age, but that’s tough as he made these children. I would assume he won’t be supportive of the children when you split and you will have to do everything for them but that seems to be the situation now so life may end up far easier.

Nail on the head. Marrying this old fart was the worst decision OP ever made. The remedy is removing the stench asap so everyone can breathe easy. Women, stay away from predatory older men and their toxic old sperm!

OP you don’t mention any other adults in your life - do you have any friends or family. The 27 year age gap with a man who is a recovering addict is very unusual which makes me think you might not have any immediate family. Can you carve out any time to speak to a therapist (just you)? I think you might need to unpick how you got to this situation to work out the best way to unpick getting out of it. FYI on a salary of £58k his monthly take home pay is £3.6k. If he’s only giving you £1700 where’s the other £2k going?

I’m sorry you’re going through this @Shedding123

The argument sounds like the straw that broke the camels back.

You were 26 when you met him, he was 53. He must have thought all his Christmases had come at once. A year later you’re pregnant, so sounds like you wanted a family pretty quickly.

As your son has ASD, it’s probable that your husband does too, that would explain the addictions and long employment during his 20/30s, life was very different then with autism.

With your daughter’s disability, you possibly spent hours looking into treatments, hence the £25,000 medical loan. I suspect your husband didn’t agree to the loan because the treatment wasn’t a recommended NHS one?

You won’t get carers allowance since you earn too much (although I suspect you already know that). If you were to leave you job after the divorce then you would be entitled to Universal Credit, since you have no savings. If you stay in the house, then you won’t get Housing Benefit but if your family home was sold then you could apply (however, you’d then having savings because you’re mortgage free so wouldn’t get UC).

You need specialist legal advice.

You don’t mention Social Services? You need to contact the Children with Disabilities Team. You are entitled to the Carers Assessment as well as your children. If you had some support, such as Direct Payments then you could get help with your caring responsibilities. I can’t see your husband being much help after the divorce.

He sounds like he’s already checked out. He clearly wants a quiet life as this isn’t what he signed up for. He thought he was getting a picture perfect family.

You sound like a great Mum and obviously just want what is best for your children. I wish you luck.