To end my marriage tomorrow

[Shedding123]

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

You mentioned he still gets out to socialise 1-2, times a week. That's nice for him.

Also that he seems young and active and you feel run down with additional care work.

I have to ask: would you ever be able to take a few hours off for a bit of reading like him or to get out twice a week? More seriously, what happens if you fall ill? You're doing everything now as it is with him seemingly looking on or in a different room.

I’m really sorry.
It sucks when life takes a hard left turn.
I think you need to think about your children, and they’re still little enough that a lifetime of that bullshit is a lifetime too long.
Your husband is gonna have to provide for his children whether he retires or not - don’t let him threaten you with that idiotic nonsense.
Happy children are worth living in a cold one bedroom flat.
Happy children are worth living paycheck to paycheck.
Happy children are worth seeing their dad every other weekend.
What I’m trying to say is, you might possibly have to sacrifice in a life away from your husband - but your children will be happy, so every sacrifice will be well worth it.
You need to consult an attorney ASAP.
Sending love from faraway ❤️

OP, I am so sorry your dh has turned into a nasty, selfish, spiteful twat. What on earth has built him up into a volcano of hate.

Mood changes can be a sign of dementia, including that weird smoking fixation. Who knows what is wrong with him. You are still relatively young. Best to be rid of him. No point wasting even a second of your life caring for him.

You got to starting working out how to extricate yourself and your dcs from this situation. I can understand your concern about losing his contribution. I suspect losing his presence will lighten the mood in your house and you and dcs can breathe again.

Sleep over it. Things will be clearer in the morning. Then book an appointment with a divorce solicitor. Baby steps.

With divorce the starting point is 50/50 of everything which includes pensions, investments and savings as well as any houses, cars, jewellery and furniture.
The courts want to see that each party can put a roof over their heads and have enough income to cover bills and expenses
It is up to a judge to decide on the percentages

If he leaves - you'll have to pay for 2 households between you AND you'll be lumped with lion share of all caring. Is that really what you want?? Is he always so fucking useless or is he just having a bad moment tonight
**
If he leaves then the divorce will mean that
Youre about to get 700 posters telling you to leave the bastard - but they are not facing the actual reality of doing that - so take it with a level head

Not too sure why Shedding123
will have to worry about a second home to run. Where exh lives isn’t anything to do with her.
Also having done all the work regarding children with a side helping of shouts and general nastiness. The split will be just doing the same things with out the arguments and nastiness.

The reality is there will be less work as she won’t have him around upsetting children and making things 10 times worse
It will be peaceful and quiet and children will be easier to manage without someone swearing at them.

I can’t see any downsides

I can see huge issues if you stay together

Grabbed some sleep and my daughter has woken with a nightmare for the first time in forever. Obviously this was going to affect her but I hate it. Someone used the word volcano of hate - that’s honestly how he has felt these last few days s abd then erupted last night.

He is clearlydepressed and overwhelmed as are you OP. Having one child with extra needs is hard enough but two is extremely difficult and at 68 under normal circumstances one would hope to be getting one’s life back and relaxing. I am not justifying his actions but he sounds like a person on the edge. Nobody really signs up for all this. I’m sorry OP. Give it some time and space if you can, but I wouldn’t leap to divorce. Maybe he would!

I worry a lot about what would happen if I got seriously ill. He absolutely looks in from another room that’s exactly it. If you met him you’d think he was much younger, he does his hobby twice a week with his friends, says and seems to love his work (chooses to stay on each day till 7 and not come home for kids dinner) and complains of being bored at home on weekends (DS likes home weekends as is often very dysregulated by the weekend). So I don’t think he’s exhausted by caring and life as he really doesn’t do that much of it. Without sounding like a Martyr I do all the medical appts (roughly one a week) meds, medical admin, and take the kids to school when they go and am home after school and do dinner etc. A tidy home is important to him so he does clean the kitchen when he comes in while I sort DD for bed but I genuinely don’t understand why he needs so much time away from me and the kids eg this break away to sleep/ read alone in a different room.

I agree he feels on edge, I don’t know why though as if you ask him he says he’s fine, great, looking forward to his hobby holiday week away in April etc. I don’t feel depressed, I do feel overwhelmed in scary medical moments but I’ve learned to take it a day at a time and truly don’t sweat the small stuff so I feel I’m coping ok (for the most part)

Thank you so much. Up worried here mainly now about the kids as how they will take it, DS idolises him, but I cannot have him shouting and swearing and gaslighting out our DD. I simply don’t understand where all the hate in him has come from.

Im not sure if it’s already been said, but if you’ve been married a while then all debt is shared regardless of whose name it’s in and particularly if it’s for the treatment of your daughter. Likewise the house is joint owned, as are savings pensions etc. it really is worth taking legal advice.
Youd also be entitled to benefits if you were on your own. It surely can’t be worse than a miserable existence for future.

Even though he was anti- medical treatment and therefore the loan? I just accepted it and as it’s a 5 year loan it is doable for me from my earnings. Our current finances are such that I pay all bills apart from phones, and he pays for sky sports package as he likes it, and he transfers me £1700 monthly to cover his share of bills/ food/ petrol etc. not sure what he does with remainder of his wage which only struck me tonight. Nothing makes sense all of a sudden.

He is a textbook abusive narcissist. I bet if you look back he has always been extremely selfish and abusive, even before the kids (with sunny lovebombing at first and good moments to keep you hopeful). He is not capable of love and there is no point trying to reason with him, he will just gaslight you.

He threw a tantrum when you asked for help purely so that you will be afraid to ask for help with childcare again. He said you should be grateful and went back to reading his book. He expects you to do all the childcare. This would be the same if they weren’t disabled.

He will always have inexplicable anger towards you, that’s just who he is, the anger has nothing to do with you he is full of rage from his own issues and looking to blame you. You are never be able to do anything right in his eyes, this is how he keeps you on the back foot and doing all the childcare and trying harder and harder to please him. Whilst he is a selfish jerk doing nothing to help or try and make you happy.

You have put up with this for too long - what was your childhood like? Abusive? Neglectful father? You are only considering divorce now because he is abusive to the kids. You would take all the abuse in the world personally because you do not value yourself. You need counselling asap to get some perspective and if you divorce him, to not meet another narcissist.

Please get legal advice and I hope it means you can divorce him. You deserve so much better than this. Be prepared he will get very nasty over divorce. You have to realise he doesn’t love you at all and would delight in making your life hell.

tensions and expectations are high and holidays are often stressful when both parents need to recharge and they can’t.
sounds like you are both at your wits end . Xylitol couid both do with some proper support. Unless you’re absolutely sure don’t jump to divorce until you’ve had consoling. You’re dealing with a lot.

I had a similar situation to you OP but without the age gap. My child with severe disability also needed watching over at nights and I was severely sleep deprived. The life that we had with a severely disabled child was not the married life my husband envisaged . He thought the grass would be greener outside. We divorced with mutual agreement . It lifted my burden as having him around was like caring for an additional complaining child. MY experience was that financial decisions re house and assets etc were determined very much with the needs of the children at the forefront. Get legal advice you may be

He's treating you badly and not puling his weight. Something to consider as he is late sixties, if he develops health issues don't get stuck being his carer as well.

I think it’s a very fair point I’m thinking divorce now that he has but only snapped at me for the umpteenth time but our beautiful girl who tried to bravely stick up for me. It’s not right. I know it’s not, I just don’t understand his anger towards me and now her. Perhaps I never will.

Somehow lost the second half of my post so typing again
Get legal advice you may be able to stay in the family home as I did . Check also your entitlements to benefits as a single parent with Carers allowance and the Carers earnings limit. Look into pension contributions with the earnings limit
You will probably get more help with your caring responsibilities when single as it will no longer be presumed that another adult in the household is pulling his weight. It seems with your diabetes being in oxygen and frequent hospital visits that you may be eligible for respite care at the local children’s hospice. Look into this. they are wonderful places and will also support you and her brother. .

Getting divorced was the best decision for my children and myself. My ex husband had a few girlfriends to keep him happy for a while in his new green pastures. THe situation today is that he is a lonely old man of 70 diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment . I am on good terms with him for the sake of my daughter but am grateful that I have no responsibility to being his Carer

Don’t know where the diabetes came from in above post. it should be daughter.

Good luck OP you can make a better life for yourself and your children. it is possible.

Thanks, Shedding, that's really kind of you to say that in the midst of your own troubles. No one really knows what I went through with my husband, and the odd time I've tried to tell, my experience hasn't been accepted. So a kind word is very welcome. 💖

Thank you. I hope we can be on good terms for the kids sake though his anger towards me is such that it makes me wonder how to make that happen.

Because you have you been conditioned from childhood to blame yourself and not to value yourself. But you value your children’s happiness, and understand they are innocent and not to blame. It is very common in these situations.

As for understanding his anger, read ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft. I think there is a free pdf online. That will help you understand. It is very difficult for someone normal and empathetic like yourself to understand how a parent could hate a child, how someone could hate their spouse for seemingly no reason. It is because your husband is a special kind of breed.

You have gone through so much and must be exhausted and in fight or flight mode all the time between him and your kids disabilities. I hope you find some peace very soon.

I agree. I don’t think a sudden breakup will easy any pressure on you.
This is very hard on you but lone parenting in your situation might be worse?
Try counselling it might help.
Either way it’s your decision snd I wish you all the best.

That age difference is a massive red flag. 27 years difference?? No wonder he can't cope with kids this complex, he is nearly 70 years old. Please leave this awful relationship.

He is an old man, with very young kids who are super demanding. I'm not defending him but OP will probably have to be on her own sometime soon anyway, I'm sure she planned a way to bring up kids on her own in case he dies?...

Sorry, but having children with 55-60 year old man is very irresponsible, unless you know you can bring them up yourself.