To ask DH to consider changing hobby?

[Rigglepop]

At the minute DH plays a sport on a Monday evening 6-7pm. He plays in the city and the traffic is awful so he leaves at 5pm and gets home around 7.45pm. Pre kids this was no problem but now I’m struggling with this and I’m not sure if I’m BU.

I’ve asked if he can play the sport closer to home and/or at a later time (ie 7-8 or 8-9). The sport is available close by and at those times. He says no as he’s made friends with the guys he plays the sport with and because he is fully remote for work this is the main opportunity he gets for socialising.

For context we both work full time, he works mon to fri (based at home) and I work full time Mon-Thurs 30 mins from home (longer days because I compress full time hours over 4 days). I look after our son on my day off on a Friday to save on childcare costs. I earn considerably more than DH and wouldn’t consider changing jobs for better conditions.

On a Monday I’m out the house from 6am - 5.15pm and pick our son up from nursery on the way home. I then need to make dinner for us all, sort clothes and lunches for the next day then do bedtime.

I know I’m being unreasonable but just feeling a bit fed up. Probably because there’s no time for me to do hobbies by the time I work such long days and do the commute. Any advice and words of wisdom (or otherwise!) welcome

dh needs to be doing lunches and bed times. the only way for LO to get used to it is consistency

It sounds like he needs to get more involved in dinner and bedtime. Of course, he can cook dinner and, of course, he can do bedtime!

I tend to do the cooking because I’m fussier. I want nice cooked from scratch meals. Dh will happily eat store bought pizza, jackets and sausages and chips every night. I don’t love it, but I’ll eat it when he does. So I let him get on with it nights when I need a break. Same with bedtime. I’ve tended to do bedtime with youngest one (Dh took over with oldest when we had another). But he’s always been the one to do bathtime with both of them, from day 1.

I went to Australia for 2 weeks for work when eldest was 17 months. Dh and dd managed just fine doing bedtimes and cooking and all the nursery runs and all the sorting of clothes without my input. You need to make time for yourself. No reason you can’t.

Yabu to ask him to give up a hobby one night a week. Distribute the other household chores better.
Take up a hobby yourself one a night a week.
Packed lunches? Your OH works at home (gets his own lunch) and your LO goes to nursery (doesn't the nursery provide food?).

I don't think the hobby is the issue, one night a week is unreasonable. It's the fact that you don't have the same luxury because you're doing all the cooking and putting your child to bed every night. He needs to take on at least half the days with both of these things. I know you say your daughter cries for you but you really need to get her used to him doing bedtime sometimes, it'll probably be easier if you actually go out a couple of nights while he does bedtime so you can't hear her crying and he'll be more able to comfort her if you're not able to take over.

Tell him he needs to have dinner sorted on Mondays to ease the your load- he can make something on his lunch break to reheat.

He can do lunches when you do bedtime. Although I'm a bit confused what you mean by lunches - your child is at nursery or your sister's and your husband is at home. Why do they need lunches doing?

Who ever cooks at the weekend can make extra for Monday night. Why are you cooking all the meals?

Your nursery age child can't dictate the evenings, he needs to have his father do bedtimes. Maybe go for a walk before bedtime so you literally aren't an option for your son but are nearby. Only you always doing it is no good for anyone and a ridiculous bind for you.

Not unreasonable of him to want this one evening of sport, better for his mental and physical health. It has highlighted some underlying problems though and they are what need to be sorted.
You really need to have your child accept others, especially their father, at bedtime for everyone’s good. The cooking and lunch prep need to be shared, even if this means you have to accept them being not done the way you would do them.
You going out one evening would be hugely beneficial in resetting the patters and expectations. Ideally find an activity to go to but if not find a nice coffee shop. Your child needs to realise that you are not ever present and available on demand, your husband will then know what is involved in an evening on his own and you will get some me time.

Absolutely this. What would happen if (god forbid) you ended up in hospital or having to care for a sick relative or were absent for any other reason? Your DH would have to put the child to bed then.

YABU. One evening a week is absolutely fine. Also its a nice active hobby!

Make your evening easier, fish finger sandwich, beans on toast, doesn't even need to be something hot. Pick out 2 outfits on Sunday instead of picking one on Monday. Do packed lunch once little one is in bed or get husband to do it once he's home. Then take Friday evening as your time to yourself.

It’s really important that BOTH of you get these pockets of time to yourself. At the moment you’re resenting him for having his little pocket and you’re not getting yours. It’s up to BOTH of you to create that pocket for you. Trust me, as someone who has had 2 under 2, a few hours to yourself is a lifeline.
“I then need to make dinner for us all, sort clothes and lunches for the next day then do bedtime.”
Why do you have to do that?
I do a hobby every week. DH feeds and baths a baby and a toddler, puts them both to bed, gets their clothes ready etc. If your DH can’t look after his own children then that needs addressing!

He's working from home. He should be able to have dinner prepped on a Monday before he goes to his hobby. He could throw it into a slow cooker on his lunch break. If you're doing all the cooking every day on top of working full time and doing all the bedtimes then the hobby is the least of your problems.

YABU. Let him have his 1 night off. You take another night off a different day of the week. Even if you just relax in the bath if you don’t feel you can go out. Batch cook something on the Sunday to warm up Monday or use a slow cooker.

@KiwiFall sounds like he has every night off, it’s just this one is out of the home!

Where do you get that he does nothing on every night? I just read she feels she has to do everything on a Monday because he’s out doing his sport that night.

100% this

Also, your dh on a Sunday could batch cook something/get something prepared for Monday dinner and also do pack ups on the Sunday for Monday and Tuesday just to make Monday nights go a little easier for you.

There are lots changes that could be made but I don’t agree him giving up his once a week hobby is one of them.

OP, a lot of PPs don’t seem to really get it. When you are the main financial provider to the home, work longer hours, yet are still the primary parent and the one doing the bulk of chores at home, it can make resentment grow quickly. I totally get it, it’s not as easy as asking DP to do more as I assume he might not do it or say it’s not as big of a deal/doesn’t need to be done now and hence you end up doing it yourself to avoid the house slowly becoming a tip. A lot of men have been raised to put themselves/their needs first, and it’s unfair. I have this with my DP sometimes when he is complaining that he is tired (and doesn’t want to feed DS/do a load of laundry/you name it). He works a 9 to 5 while I work 14/15 hours on a bad day, yet doesn’t feel any responsibility towards maybe doing a load of laundry or sorting the house/vacuuming when he knows I have had a very long work day. You might need to have a conversation with him and tell him it’s not necessarily a problem for him to take that time for himself, but if he’s going to do it he needs to contribute his fair portion and make sure he puts you in a position where you have some time to rest, as rest time is a priority over socialising/hobbies.

Definitely unreasonable sorry.

On reading your updates OP it sounds like you have a bigger problem of a DH who is opting out of his fair share

I completely agree with PP that he needs to start taking over bedtime. The more your DC gets their way, the harder it’ll be for him to do bedtimes. Put a stop to it now. It’ll be a hard few nights and then they’ll get used to daddy doing it.

Plan meals ahead of time so he can prep during the day. Is he doing other chores while wfh? In our house whoever is at home puts a load of washing on, dries it, loads/empties dishwasher. In the time the other person is commuting, these things can be done by the person at home

OP always does bedtime and does every dinner, packed lunch prep etc. Sounds like DH needs to take the weight off to allow her to have more freedom in her evenings

I agree with the posts about bedtimes, but I think some people are being a bit unfair to the DH - both OP and her DH are convinced by the 'child will only go to bed for mum' thing, and it'll be hard work for both of them to change this. Our DC1 always wanted mummy at bedtime too, and we started trying to change this well in advance of DC2 being born. But we found for example that alternating didn't work, as DC was much calmer and more amenable with a consistent routine, so I (as the other mum) had to do ALL of the bedtimes for months. My DP started to really miss doing them, but if she tried to take a turn or just do a bit of the routine, it all went to shit and we had hours of screaming. However, it WAS worth persevering, and we now have a DC who is happy to be put to bed by either parent and has a much more equal attachment to both.

On which note, I think I'd be pushing for a Daddy+DC special activity every weekend as well - if the norm is always 'mummy looks after DC in the evening' or 'family time at the weekend', when do dad and DC get to spend time alone together? He could take him to the library or something. Weekends with a toddler are loooong anyway so there'd be plenty of time left for family stuff.

Its only 1 evening so i would let him keep this, but if theres something you are interested in doing also make sure you take some time for you too if its a different evening/day/weekend

Prepare anything you can beforehand to make it easier, on a Sunday get any clothes out you'd need to get out Monday night, maybe make a dinner on a Sunday that will leave leftovers for the Monday or have something quick like a ready meal/pizza for that night

I'm up at 4.15am I work all day mon-fri, I do school drop off and pick up every day, get home 5.20pm and I do all the shopping/cooking/housework/bedtime etc as my partner works long hours so I do know how exhausting life can get, it sucks but then I think of all the single mums that do it alone 24/7, if they can do it so can I

do you also think it’s fair that he doesn’t cook because he has a penis?

I don’t think he’s being unfair, you’re just having to deal with giving the baby his dinner and putting him to bed. You can make yourself some food at the same time and DH can prepare lunches when he gets in. As for sorting clothes for the next day, I don’t even know what that means really. But it’s not too time consuming to put on a load of washing .
Maybe you can take some time for yourself on a different evening, and I’d suggest not coming home but going to a class straight from work, maybe that’ll give you a breather when you can sit quietly in a cafe with a book if the class doesn’t start till 6 or 7.

Ah right sorry I didn’t see the other posts. Yes they should split the load when both in. He should be able to do his hobby sport but OP should also have a night off go out and then DH and child get used to him doing the bedtime routine. I don’t agree that just because DH works from home that he should do the meal prep every lunchtime. If he was in the office he wouldn’t be able to do it. My DH works from home. I work out of the home. My DHs lunch should be the same as mine ie have lunch, drink and get some fresh air. Whoever gets home should start dinner or wait until both home and do it together. Again both batch cook when in so a couple of nights you get an easy “warm up” dinner.