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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask that my nephews don’t come

386 replies

Littlebitofthis1 · 16/02/2026 18:58

My niece is going through the usual hardships that many teenagers go through at high school. So for her birthday I decided to organise a girls only afternoon tea, and I invited my mum, sister, and niece to come along with my own two daughters and my son (because I’m on mat leave with him).

However, it’s caused a major argument with my sister (whose daughter I planned the event to celebrate). She is annoyed that I didn’t include my two nephews in the invite. I said for my niece, I thought it would be nice to make it girls only and not have her brothers there now she’s older. Now my sister is saying that she’s not going to come and therefore won’t bring my niece either, unless I include my nephews. She also used as an argument that my 6 month old will be there and he’s a boy. Not sure this is of relevance but I’m paying for the event.

should I include my nephews or stand my groundy daughters are still young but I always intentionally do some special things for just them and me and plan to continue that so I didn’t think I would offend anyone by planning this.

OP posts:
AlwaysTheRenegade · 16/02/2026 20:13

You sound like a lovely Aunty! Both of my aunt's have done things like this for me my whole life! I'm really lucky. I'm 36 and we still enjoy spending time together and I've got lovely memories.
Your sister's being a dick.

Moonnstarz · 16/02/2026 20:13

JemimaTiggywinkles · 16/02/2026 20:07

Yeah, your updates have convinced me you aren’t actually looking for advice. You just want approval for using your niece’s birthday as an attempt to be cool aunt in opposition to the evil mother. So I’m out.

I agree.

OP talks to sister every day but forgets to mention organising an afternoon tea for nieces 18th.
The afternoon tea is suitable for little children but not teenage boys.
There is already a strained relationship between a mum and daughter.

If this was a genuine gift out of kindness for the niece it would be the two of them going for it, or as it turns out the niece is 18, then an adults outing only and no teenage boys or little children would be included.

I am not sure why the male relatives can't look after the little kids but I am sure there will be some justification (I think it has already been mentioned how much the niece loves her little cousins).

BreadstickBurglar · 16/02/2026 20:13

yes she’s getting a treat - because it’s her birthday!

If you want to have a girls only afternoon tea and you’re the organiser why the hell not. But since your sister is being like this I think you’ve got two options.

  1. Just make it you and your niece, she cannot object to that or insist you invite everyone

  2. Do the girly tea but detach it from your niece’s birthday

BreadstickBurglar · 16/02/2026 20:15

As an aside how absolutely infuriating for the niece that all weekend events are family events. Doesn’t she ever get to see friends or go out with just her mum/dad to the cinema etc?

Namechangerage · 16/02/2026 20:16

Littlebitofthis1 · 16/02/2026 20:08

@SweeetFannyAdams ive said it’s not that deep. I didn’t plan anything for months on end and then spring it on my sister like BAM. I messaged my niece to say would she fancy a girls only afternoon tea but I’d have to bring the kids with me. She said yes, so I then called to tell my sister I was going to book it and that’s when we’ve fallen out.

So your niece is 18? Your sister can’t stop her attending. Message your sister “I would love you to come but if you can’t make it I’m very happy to still take niece as this was her treat really”

Original poster
Littlebitofthis1 · 16/02/2026 20:17

@JingsMahBucket thanks, yes we’re currently trying to figure out the way forward. My niece doesn’t know any of this is going on in the background, and meanwhile my mum and I are on a group chat with my sister trying to explain that it might help their relationship.

in all likelihood because I don’t want to cancel the whole thing, I’ll end up caving to let my nephews come. It always transpires this way and in the past they’ve even told me they were forced by their mum but didn’t want to be there

OP posts:
JLou08 · 16/02/2026 20:17

It's not really a nice girls afternoon tea with 3 under 5s. Taking your DC turns it into a family event for your nieces 18th, excluding her brothers.

Original poster
Littlebitofthis1 · 16/02/2026 20:20

Not sure how many people commenting on here are from big families themselves but growing up we didn’t always do things as a whole family the whole time so it’s completely normal for us an I’ve not grown into an adult who resents that my brothers got to do things I didn’t get to do.

OP posts:
Poptartz · 16/02/2026 20:20

I think you have hit a nerve for your sister. Perhaps because it’s her daughter’s 18th which is quite a milestone. Perhaps that’s why she wanted to invite the boys too. I don’t think you get to dictate who comes. That’s up to your niece. Particularly if you are bringing young children along you might as well all go. I think it’s a bit unfair to say you are closer to your niece than her mum. Teenagers swap and change their minds quite regularly about who they do/don’t like.

BreadstickBurglar · 16/02/2026 20:20

“meanwhile my mum and I are on a group chat with my sister trying to explain that it might help their relationship”

OMG why are you doing that?! I’ve never heard a dynamic like it.

Moonnstarz · 16/02/2026 20:21

Littlebitofthis1 · 16/02/2026 20:20

Not sure how many people commenting on here are from big families themselves but growing up we didn’t always do things as a whole family the whole time so it’s completely normal for us an I’ve not grown into an adult who resents that my brothers got to do things I didn’t get to do.

Edited

So why can't you leave your children behind in that case so that it's adults only?

BeanQuisine · 16/02/2026 20:23

Can't see much point "standing your ground" if it means the whole thing is cancelled.

Hardly a treat for your niece if it doesn't happen.

Hammy19 · 16/02/2026 20:24

It is 100% acceptable for an 18 year old to celebrate their birthday without their little brothers there, it's bizarre that people are so desperate for them to attend!

It's not like this is the main, or only, celebration. Stand your ground, she's an adult for goodness sake

DrCoconut · 16/02/2026 20:26

Hereforthecommentz · 16/02/2026 19:30

Your sister is weird, teenage boys won't want to go to an afternoon tea.

Mine loves an afternoon tea!

ElizabethsTailor · 16/02/2026 20:26

I think you are trying to be the cool young aunt who is so much more in tune with your 18 year old niece than her old fogie mum who is “14 years older than you” (given how many times you have mentioned it, even though it has no relevance).

QuickPeachPoet · 16/02/2026 20:26

I think your plan is lovely and I can't see how boys would be interested in it.
Personally I'd be leaving the baby with dad to make it more grown up (and that would shut your sister up on the gender thing).

Original poster
Littlebitofthis1 · 16/02/2026 20:27

@Moonnstarz i don’t feel I should need to justify my current situation, but it’s a week day, my other avenues of childcare are attending and my husband works full time. plus my niece was fine with them coming.

OP posts:
QuietPiggy · 16/02/2026 20:29

101Alsatians · 16/02/2026 19:04

Just cos you're paying doesn't mean you get to dictate dynamics.I would have consulted her mother first.

How old are her brothers?Will they need childcare at this girls only event,or are we talking teenagers that probs wouldn't be seen dead at afternoon tea anyway?

Just cos you're paying doesn't mean you get to dictate dynamics

It absolutely does!

Newusername0 · 16/02/2026 20:29

PineappleMelon · 16/02/2026 19:02

I think you should have made it just you and your niece. By including almost everyone it does feel a bit like you’re excluding the nephews… just because they have penises.

I agree with this. I understand your sentiment, but you have to appreciate that you’ve basically just invited the whole family except your nephews. Regardless of your intentions that would feel like your excluding them.

Forthwith81 · 16/02/2026 20:30

Your sister's response is a shame, and I hope it won't cast a dark cloud over the event. I would go ahead with the outing with DN, your mum, and your DC. I'd make it clear to DSis that she is invited, but if she doesn't want to attend that's up to her. Though if your sister chooses not to attend, that is the very definition of cutting off her nose to spite her face. Your DN is an adult, she can choose to go out with her aunt if she wants to.

I love an afternoon tea! It sounds like a lovely way to celebrate your DN's birthday.

Keroppi · 16/02/2026 20:31

? Just cancel it and do it on a weekend.

Sister a weirdo on her boundaries of not doing anything other than family time on the whole of the weekend

How does that even work in reality for teenagers :S they just don't go out on a Saturday with their mates?

Tarkadaaaahling · 16/02/2026 20:32

Rottedtheanemones · 16/02/2026 19:44

I think it is odd that you have planned a girly day for an 18 year old that excludes her own siblings but plan to bring your own young children along. Surely a girly afternoon tea for an 18 year old should be a more adult affair?

This. Its not like it's going to be a posh adult affair as there will be 3 preschoolers in tow, that makes it into more of a family birthday celebration with all the cousins together... Except you excluded two of them because they're boys.

Total nonsense that teen boys wouldn't want to come, they like cake as much as the next person, my teen boy would be a bit hurt to be excluded from a special occasion like this. Especially if it was his sisters 18th.

I also think OP that you overstepped organising this without chatting to your sister first, it's like you've taken it upon yourself to organise your nieces 18th birthday celebration with the family when that's for her mum to do, not you

Coatsoff42 · 16/02/2026 20:33

Im from a big family! Your niece is 18 now and she’s old enough to have a relationship with your and her granny without her mum being there. There’s lots of times that being singled out from your siblings and getting all the attention is basically the whole treat, the cream tea is just an excuse to put her in the spotlight which is so rare in a big family.
I don’t think your sister can stop it if your niece is an adult, but I can see you don’t want to cause WW3. Your niece is moving into adulthood and can act as a grown woman with other adult women for a birthday treat.

Original poster
Littlebitofthis1 · 16/02/2026 20:35

@ElizabethsTailor shes not old- she’s only 41. I’m mentioning the age difference so much because I’m trying to stress that we’re not typical sisters going through life stages together. We often discuss how she is more like a second mum to me and she treated me that way until I had a family of my own lol

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 16/02/2026 20:38

if It was a girls only event then I would think your sister was being unreasonable, but you can’t argue that it’s girls only when you’re taking your son! I don’t think it matters how old any of the boys are - if one is going then you should include the other two.