To ask that my nephews don’t come

[Littlebitofthis1]

My niece is going through the usual hardships that many teenagers go through at high school. So for her birthday I decided to organise a girls only afternoon tea, and I invited my mum, sister, and niece to come along with my own two daughters and my son (because I’m on mat leave with him).

However, it’s caused a major argument with my sister (whose daughter I planned the event to celebrate). She is annoyed that I didn’t include my two nephews in the invite. I said for my niece, I thought it would be nice to make it girls only and not have her brothers there now she’s older. Now my sister is saying that she’s not going to come and therefore won’t bring my niece either, unless I include my nephews. She also used as an argument that my 6 month old will be there and he’s a boy. Not sure this is of relevance but I’m paying for the event.

should I include my nephews or stand my groundy daughters are still young but I always intentionally do some special things for just them and me and plan to continue that so I didn’t think I would offend anyone by planning this.

Teen boys at afternoon tea would problem be very rare. Not to generalise but I just asked mine if he would go and he laughed. So probably not generally teen boys cups of tea.

yours sisters being a dick. If the boys want to come she can pay. Say you can’t stretch to anymore as on mat leave

Of course paying dictates dynamics - it’s a birthday party you’re either invited or you’re not. I had a girls spa party at mine? One (awful) mum thought she’d drop her son off too… so entitled

Perfectly reasonable for an auntie to do something like this for her niece.

Just seen your update your niece is 18. Take her for a bottomless brunch instead! Enjoy.

I bet they wouldn’t want to go anyway. I don’t see the harm in this, as long as you treat the boys in same manner (not necessarily a boys only thing but look out for them in same way). Shame your sister is being like this when you’re trying to do a nice thing.

its my niece….shes 18.

What does your sister's daughter's age have to do with anything?

It's still odd that you planned all this without consultation.

Especially when you said there's a strained relationship there.

ETA: Actually even odder considering it's her 18th birthday and they could well have been busy on whatever day you chose.

Your niece is 18. She doesn’t need permission from her mum. If your sister won’t come it don’t mean your niece can’t.

Your sister sounds weird. If your sister will drag the boys along if you extend the invitation to them, I'd just do something different for now, wait a bit, then invite your niece for a one-to-one activity sometime. (Otherwise, I'd suggest inviting them in the belief that they won't be interested and would decline, but now your sister will probably make a point of them being there...)

Fortunately, if your niece is 18, she'll soon be out of your sister's clutches (sorry, but she really does sound like a witch, so no wonder your niece has problems with her).

This. The kids are teenagers! The sister is batshit

This! I think it sounds like a lovely idea, OP.

Just invite your 18 year old niece. She's an adult, she can do what she wants. It's hardly like she needs her mum to give her a ride. Your sister doesn't have to come if she doesn't want to leave her TEENAGE sons home alone

I think it is odd that you have planned a girly day for an 18 year old that excludes her own siblings but plan to bring your own young children along. Surely a girly afternoon tea for an 18 year old should be a more adult affair?

@SweeetFannyAdams i think we will just have to agree to disagree.

If you’re not the kind of person to treat people for special occasions then you’ll never get where I’m coming from. I’ve had a spa day planned for my birthday before and it never crossed my mind once how dare they, I could have had plans already. LOL

I'm torn, it's nice that you want to do something lovely for your niece's birthday, but I hate overgendering activities.

Why wouldn't boys enjoy an afternoon tea? And the male equivalents always seem to be something sporty or adrenaline fuelled... what if the girls in your family fancy go-karting or watching a rugby match?

Normalising 'girls only' and 'boy only' activities just keeps outdated gender stereotypes going and puts limits both boys and girls.

Presumably more to do with the fact that it's a special treat for her, and shouldn't have to share it with annoying siblings, of any sex

Of course I treat people, don't be so snotty.

But this is her daughter's 18th birthday. You took it upon yourself to plan this girls outing without consulting her at all.

Considering they have a strained relationship, why did you choose to plan it and then tell her?

I know you claimed 'baby brain' but was that the real reason?

But you said your sister is funny with events and only attends if all her kids are there - you booked this knowing that?

This is such an odd take on it.

the gift from auntie to niece is an afternoon tea FOR her birthday, not ON her birthday (so mum still gets to organise the actual day of birthday celebrations - so no over-stepping). OP is paying so absolutely should get to say how many guests are there and she’s not inviting ANY males (including dads/uncles and the baby is irrelevant) so she’s not just excluding the nephews. OP is being generous by including her mum and sister as well as her niece to make her niece feel special. She’s also aware the the niece needs a little extra TLC at the moment. OP has been a lovely, kind auntie and sister and hasn’t done anything wrong. She can treat the boys on their birthday if she so wishes.

OP, I’d collect your niece yourself and go with your mum. Your sister obviously has something going on in her own mind which warps her take on your gift. And I really can’t see that teenage boys would even want to go and so why she would want to force them is strange.

It was a really lovely idea and a great way to celebrate an 18th. I'd probably have left your young children at home, especially the little girls. If bf baby and his dad can't have him then of course bring your ds but it'd ruin most decent afternoon teas and I'd not be happy if my afternoon tea was ruined by a baby, thinking of other customers.

So maybe strip it back to adults only then there's no contention about children being invited.

Otherwise tell your neice you will find a different treat for you and her as a gift.

Yes, this is one of those times where I'd love to hear the sister's take.

I suspect there's a bit more than the OP is letting on.

@Tulipsriver i love that for you. I plan to continue organising things that I know my niece likes and things I know my nephews like. There is no gender stereotyping here. And just because gender stereotyping may be a thing, doesn’t mean that it’s bad when life plays out naturally into girls and boys liking things that have historically fallen into those categories.

If it was just you and your niece I’d think it’s fine not to invite nephews, but given all their cousins and their mum is going to be there, it’s a bit odd to not invite them as it feels more like a family thing. Also a bit out of order you planned it all without actually speaking to your sister!

In no way, shape or form is it the OPs job to fix the relationship between her sister and her niece.

No but she doesn't have to drive a wedge into it either by playing the aunt that's more popular than the mum.

Cancel it and invite your niece away on her own for a spa day or cocktail making class or away for a day doing whatever hobby she's into. Or day in London etc
Do it on a weekend so you don't bring all your kids keep it just you and her.

Sister opinion irrelevant on something like that as she's 18 and it's not a whole family thing or male/female only. And she can't control what her daughter can and can't do on a weekend just because she wants the weekends as family time only.