To ask that my nephews don’t come

[Littlebitofthis1]

My niece is going through the usual hardships that many teenagers go through at high school. So for her birthday I decided to organise a girls only afternoon tea, and I invited my mum, sister, and niece to come along with my own two daughters and my son (because I’m on mat leave with him).

However, it’s caused a major argument with my sister (whose daughter I planned the event to celebrate). She is annoyed that I didn’t include my two nephews in the invite. I said for my niece, I thought it would be nice to make it girls only and not have her brothers there now she’s older. Now my sister is saying that she’s not going to come and therefore won’t bring my niece either, unless I include my nephews. She also used as an argument that my 6 month old will be there and he’s a boy. Not sure this is of relevance but I’m paying for the event.

should I include my nephews or stand my groundy daughters are still young but I always intentionally do some special things for just them and me and plan to continue that so I didn’t think I would offend anyone by planning this.

Thanks for all the responses! It’s given me some
things to think about.

i can clarify now that my nephews are both teenagers. They 100% do not want to be seen dead with me for a treat day when it’s their birthdays haha, they always ask specifically for money or an Xbox game.

i probably should have consulted my sister beforehand though, that’s my fault. My sister is 14 years older than me and at this stage of life my niece is closer to me than her mum. She confides in me that she feels her mum prefers her brothers over her so my postpartum brain just went ahead and planned a girls only event thinking my sister would be on board as she knows my niece feels they have a strained relationship

The argument about another boy being a baby is ridiculous.

I don’t think the boys would be interested in this party either won’t they just want to be out or on their Xbox?

YANBU - your sister sounds most odd.

How old is niece, how old are nephews?

I think it's up to your sister to organise how her daughter celebrates her birthday.

@wanderingstarz not sure if this makes any difference but it’s for her birthday, not on her birthday. I have kids too and would find it odd if someone planned an event on their actual birthday day

How can you 'stand your ground' if your sister won't let her daughter go?

Bear with me, I missed the OPs update by 2 whole minutes 😑

If they were closer in age,then No - I think you're asking for trouble. Not all sibling dynamics are easy, and just saying boys/girls only won't work for everyone.

Just talk it through with the parent.It's a lovely idea for your DNiece though.

Oh give over.

🙄

It does very much sound like you have organised a party for your niece which is something a parent would usually do. While your sister might not have such a close relationship with her daughter, you could have made this suggestion to her about how you thought niece might like some time with just female family members only such as afternoon tea. I think by organising something like this, which you say your niece likes, makes the situation worse between niece and her mum as it's now like her mum can't organise something special, it has to be her Auntie and exaggerates how she feels her mum is out of touch.

I think you could have taken niece out on your own rather than organising a family outing and that would have been more appropriate.

I don't think it's unreasonable to have a girls day and the baby is irrelevant. I do think you may have overstepped slight by planning and paying for all this for your niece without asking her mum though. If I was her mum I'd definitely feel a bit put out. Will you give your nephews the same amount in cash as you're spending on this afternoon for your niece and other family members?

Well the relationship won’t get any less strained if she behaves like this,
id say ok, I thought it was lovely for her, and she was happy, but if you wish me to cancel just say, and leave it there.

Your sister is being weird imo and oddly possessive, not thinking of her daugthers preferences at all.
How old is your niece? Old enough to leave the house by herself? I'd just take her and your sister can play best mummy to her baby boys alone.

So you think it's ok for an auntie to effectively organise a party for their niece, selecting the guest list?
I would be rather annoyed if my sibling did something like this, especially having read that there is already a difficult relationship between mum and daughter. It feels like Auntie is showing how she can get it right, proving to the niece that her mum does prefer the boys.

I think you complicated things by wanting to bring your own children along who are too young to enjoy an afternoon tea. By bringing them you turned it into a family occasion but with all except the nephews. What you intended, I think, was a more grown-up girly treat for your niece. Make it you, mum, sister and niece, or make it everyone.

It's just plain odd to plan something for someone else's child without checking with them first.

For all the OP knows they might've been busy on that day.

'6 month old postpartum brain' or not, it's still odd.

Actually laughing at some of the responses that think doing girls/ boys only things is unfair. WOW! I plan to nurture both my relationships with my sons, daughters, niece and nephews equally but that doesn’t have to mean everyone gets to do everything all together at the same time always.

Probably because if the boys are 4 it might be a childcare issue (as everyone asking their ages has said). If they're 18 then not so much

Your sister is weird, teenage boys won't want to go to an afternoon tea.

I’m very close to my nieces but I think you’ve massively overstepped. If you know the relationship between your niece and her mum is difficult then your job is to try to help mend that relationship, not make things harder. Deliberately planning something to exclude your nephews does come across like you’re trying to prove something.

Mine would have gone anywhere if food was involved 😄

@Littlebitofthis1 your sister is a batshit ingrate. She’s also extremely selfish because she’s willing to torpedo the gift for her own daughter/your niece just because she favours her sons.

Maybe change the plans so it’s only you and your niece for now and let that poor girl unload about her batshit mother. Snuggle and love on her as much as you can and be a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. This is going to be a lifelong issue. 💐

One of mine would.Cake etc.,he'd be down unless he specifically wasn't invited.

@SweeetFannyAdams its my niece….shes 18.

@RudolphRNR its not that deep, im 14 years younger than my sister so we’re at different stages in life. My niece is basically an adult now, i have 3 under the age of 5. My sis sets a boundary that they won’t do non family things on weekends so i respected that but in doing so my kids have to come. Plus my niece LOVES them