To ask that my nephews don’t come

[Littlebitofthis1]

My niece is going through the usual hardships that many teenagers go through at high school. So for her birthday I decided to organise a girls only afternoon tea, and I invited my mum, sister, and niece to come along with my own two daughters and my son (because I’m on mat leave with him).

However, it’s caused a major argument with my sister (whose daughter I planned the event to celebrate). She is annoyed that I didn’t include my two nephews in the invite. I said for my niece, I thought it would be nice to make it girls only and not have her brothers there now she’s older. Now my sister is saying that she’s not going to come and therefore won’t bring my niece either, unless I include my nephews. She also used as an argument that my 6 month old will be there and he’s a boy. Not sure this is of relevance but I’m paying for the event.

should I include my nephews or stand my groundy daughters are still young but I always intentionally do some special things for just them and me and plan to continue that so I didn’t think I would offend anyone by planning this.

She’s taking three under five with her as well, this is where the dynamic printable gets a bit confusing. FWIW I agree, leave your kids at home and just take your niece to a bottomless brunch or something else special.

That’s your cynical take on it. I see it as a kind auntie celebrating her nieces birthday. But let’s leave it there and not derail the thread.

I think it would be a gift from the Auntie if it had just been arranged as an afternoon tea for the two of them.
The fact she invited other female relatives without asking her sister does suggest she knew it would cause conflict. It's also organising it more as an event rather than a gift.

I agree with the poster who has said make it adults only - I was surprised that the OP is taking her own young children (I presumed from the initial post they were female teenagers, not little ones).

What has your sister organised for your niece's birthday? I'm assuming that she'll have organised a big family event for her daughter's 18th birthday.

She sounds pretty difficult and quick to take offence. Has your niece said whether she would prefer it if her brothers were invited? If she would prefer a 'girls only' afternoon tea, that is what you should do.

I’d cancel it and just take her out 121 or her and one of her friends

@Cupofteaandagoodbookthensleep thank YOU. We are on the same wavelength!!

Everyone thinking that there something more going on between me and my sister is also laughable. I’m 14 years younger than her. She’s her own person. I didn’t even need her consent or to invite her too. She really doesn’t care either way. I speak to her every day so I already knew that they hadn’t planned anything. I also know my sister inside out, she NEVER plans anything. It has worked this way in our family for decades now. My family and my parents organise everything.

I also feel like at 18 my relationship with my niece can be separate to my relationship with my sister to a certain extent.

So you speak to her everyday and then it was 'Whoops baby brain' - 'forgot to mention I'd planned a girls outing for 7 people'?

Like I said, there's definitely something you're not saying.

And whatever that is, it will be part of why your sister has reacted the way she has.

You've planned a family event without 2 of your family. That's odd.

It would have been different if you'd gone for an event with you, your sister and your niece. That would have been a sort of grown-up adult or young adult afternoon tea and that would have been fine.

But you've muddied the waters by bringing your 3 young kids along. That changes the tone of the whole event and makes your nephews look left out.

I think you've made a mistake here op.

It's like a class party, either invite everyone or half the class. Don't leave just a couple of kids out. That's mean.

Fwiw my teenage sons would love an afternoon tea with all the mini cakes and whatnot.

Lol at you accusing OP of being snotty! Your responses to OP are the epitome of snottiness and finger wagging. OP has been very polite to you.

@SweeetFannyAdams ngl, I think this is projecting now.

I also feel like at 18 my relationship with my niece can be separate to my relationship with my sister to a certain extent

Then just invite your niece. Don't invite 2 adults, all of your kids but only one of your sister's kids.

@JemimaTiggywinkles HAHAHA I take it as a compliment. If literally arranging an event which actually gives my sister an opportunity to show her own daughter that she will attend something with her, without bringing along her brothers makes me a witch then I’m here for it 💅

Just tell your sister she doesn't have to come. Niece is an adult and can choose to come without her brothers

And 'ngl' either, you're still not telling us why you planned this behind your sister's back.

You speak to her every single day and yet you 'forgot'?

Either way, as you've eventually told us your niece is an adult, she doesn't need her mother's permission to go anyway.

Just pick her up yourself and have a good time.

I used to hate it when mil would invite dd1 to things and leave out dd2&3.

Yeah, your updates have convinced me you aren’t actually looking for advice. You just want approval for using your niece’s birthday as an attempt to be cool aunt in opposition to the evil mother. So I’m out.

Why are you forcing girls only? I dont get this girl obsession, but for someone's birthday i would ask and do what they wanted not what I had planned

It wasn't an unreasonable plan - but you are super unreasonable to suggest "standing your ground" against the wishes of your niece's mother. In the end its her call what her own daughter does and encouraging friction between them is not ok. [EDIT - just saw niece is turning 18 - so its a bit different - but if she needs her mother to bring her then its not her call, its her mother's. My comment on it not being ok to encourage friction between them also still stands.]

@SweeetFannyAdams ive said it’s not that deep. I didn’t plan anything for months on end and then spring it on my sister like BAM. I messaged my niece to say would she fancy a girls only afternoon tea but I’d have to bring the kids with me. She said yes, so I then called to tell my sister I was going to book it and that’s when we’ve fallen out.

Did you read the plot twist though?

It turns out her daughter is an adult.

So you’re excluding them just because they are boys? Why? Just seems so small minded and provincial.

It sounds like your niece has it spot on that her mum prefers her brothers . Just take your niece out with your mum and her own mother can miss out , at 18 she doesn’t need her mums permission to go out .

I know! Just updated.

@Littlebitofthis1 ignoring the couple of weird posters who are trying to twist your words. They’re not worth your energy and are just being argumentative goady fuckers.

Regarding your niece, is it possible for you or your mum to just collect her and take her to the afternoon tea? Since she’s 18, everyone can just bypass your sister now.