To ask that my nephews don’t come

[Littlebitofthis1]

My niece is going through the usual hardships that many teenagers go through at high school. So for her birthday I decided to organise a girls only afternoon tea, and I invited my mum, sister, and niece to come along with my own two daughters and my son (because I’m on mat leave with him).

However, it’s caused a major argument with my sister (whose daughter I planned the event to celebrate). She is annoyed that I didn’t include my two nephews in the invite. I said for my niece, I thought it would be nice to make it girls only and not have her brothers there now she’s older. Now my sister is saying that she’s not going to come and therefore won’t bring my niece either, unless I include my nephews. She also used as an argument that my 6 month old will be there and he’s a boy. Not sure this is of relevance but I’m paying for the event.

should I include my nephews or stand my groundy daughters are still young but I always intentionally do some special things for just them and me and plan to continue that so I didn’t think I would offend anyone by planning this.

BTW I have an aunt who is fairly close in age to me, my father's much younger sister. When I was a child she sometimes invited me to do things with her on my own, without my brothers, e.g., the cinema (or afternoon tea now that I think of it). It meant a lot to me, and she is still one of my favourite people in the world. She was always close to my brothers as well and would invite them to other events.

Talk to your niece. If she feels the more the merrier than this would not be the hill to die on. If she very much wants it to be a girls only thing, then book it for a weekend or whenever your DH has time to look after his kids and go just adults. I would not give in to your sister against your nieces wishes

I think your plans for the birthday girl sound lovely, how nice to have a girly afternoon tea.

of course the boys don’t want to come and don’t need an invite. Your sister is being ridiculous over nothing. If she won’t come just take yourself, daughters, baby obviously, granny and niece.

and I do understand. I was planning a ladies/girls only afternoon tea for a significant birthday for myself a few years ago. I’d found a lovely place to have it and everything. I have more female relations and friends than men so seemed perfect, I was really excited about my plans.

but my mum hit the roof about it. Completely ridiculous behaviour on her behalf she kept calling me telling me what her friends had said and so on and so on for months. Telling me I was dividing the family and all sorts of terrible things. I live with two male relations who didn’t care as I see them every day, my parents are divorced so it stopped the me feeling guilty I have not invited my father type of thing. It was all because imho mums favourite is a brother. I’d have invited his wife and daughters, he could have come to the house to see the men if he’d have wanted to even.

anyway I got to do nothing for my birthday and saw no one. My mum after all of that decided to go away that week on holiday with her friends. I also was then excluded from someone else’s same age big birthday later in the same year. I’m now mostly nc with nearly all of my family , I speak to mum once a week very strained.

these things show you who the real people are and not who you hope they are.

I think this is the issue. If you'd just invited your niece with you, or maybe one other adult relation, that would be lovely. But if you are basically inviting all the direct relations apart from your nephews it does look a bit like you are leaving them out. And it's not a nice 'girl's treat' if some of those girls are under 5. It's a totally different dynamic. And it stops seeming like a gift to her if most of the family is also getting the treat.

I'd change the invitation to just you and your niece on a weekend. She'll get to a feel a lot more special and have more quality time that way, rather than you having to be distracted by your kids and your sister can't claim your nephew's are being left out.

But you don’t treat all your DC the same for on their birthday?
id agree if this was just a random treat for her niece and the nephews had been excluded but that’s not the case

I presume with all these kids there are probably some dads also not being invited? I doubt it’s just the brothers.

Absolutely baffled that as an 18 year old I’d need to be accompanied by my brothers at every event, it’s not Renaissance Italy.

Can I just add, I’ve not even mentioned my 2 brothers and their families. They’ve both had only sons and they don’t give two hoots about not being invited. I also invited their partners along but they are working and know all about my sisters family imposing no weekend things

OP says they are teens

what a lovely idea OP! Your sister is crazy though - do you think she’s jealous that you e thought of the lovely idea and is a bit embarrassed and now using her sons as a way to make a fuss??

please don’t cave in! I doubt your niece wants them there and they certainly won’t want to be there. She’s 18 and has a say too. I’d just go ahead with niece. If your sis doesn’t come then so be it.

some strange responses in this thread. Of course boys and girls can do different things and no it doesn’t need to be equal. Different people like different things and different people have different relationships in families.

she asked her niece for an afternoon tea - she said yet. Her mum is being weird.

Does this mean every weeeknd your niece is not allowed to do anything without her whole family? This is crazy on all levels. At 18 I left home but for years before that I was in and out doing all sorts of stuff, including working. No idea what all my siblings were doing we were all busy with our own lives.

Of course the host dictates the dynamics.

should I include my nephews or stand my ground
It was an error to plan it without talking it through, 'standing your ground' would actually be doubling down.

I think it'd be healthier to just walk back the arrangements, it really doesn't benefit your niece to be caught up in whatever argument you're having with your sister.

You'd think your sister would be really touched that you were planning something so lovely for your niece. Think I'd just say to your sister that your niece is keen to have a girls only treat so you can either go ahead with that plan or you can cancel it altogether. I wouldn't back down and include the nephews as it's ridiculous! It doesn't sound like they would even want to come anyway and it's not what your neice wanted either. Your sister is being really selfish!

The son is a baby!!!

Keep it girls only.
Tell your sister that she is right and the girl day should not include your tiny son.

Arrange his Dad to have a fun outing with him, or they could go and visit the nephews and their Dad with pizza.

Not good behaviour to 'dictate dynamics' between a parent and their children.

@OneNewEagle its complicated, basically they all compete in clubs and sports and for all the kids, spending time with friends looks like training mostly. From a young age they’ve been steered into that being a commitment they don’t break. Not here to comment on my sisters parenting decisions in life, but I will be doing things differently.
I know though, and so does my sister, that the all sneak out at night to hang with friends.

OP, your sister is so silly, shooting herself in the foot.
Let her be difficult.
Your niece is 18 now and you can have a relationship with her separately to her mother.
Your sister is a complete idiot on insisting her teen sons are included.
Yanbu.

I don’t think it’s very nice to exclude children from things and your sister has made it clear that is how she feels also, bit weird you didn’t discuss with your sister prior to inviting.

Nice idea poorly executed.

Edited to add - I have read through your posts and tbh you sound quite unpleasant about your sister and not supportive to her, you’ve been negative about her parenting and seem dismissive of her as a mother.

Your sister is being odd. Id tell her its girls (and your baby boy) only or its cancelled.

You judge your sister's parenting a lot.

I often do girls day with niece but I then wouldn’t take my boys. So while I disagree with your sisters attitude towards the treat for your niece (and I get his only 6 months) but could you not have left your son at home so it was a girlie day

Call it off and just invite DN over for a meal on her own.
Go out to meet up with others quite separately - not invoving your sister. Going out for a meal at a hotel at a time that doesn't suit the teen boys (sport practice night) could also work.

Surely if it was a school party the mum wouldn’t expect all the her DC to go. It’s absolutely fine to invite some family members to certain events.

Did I read this correctly? You are 18 with 3 children so your sister is 32 with 3 teenagers? I think I missed something - the thread is long! Hope you get this sorted.