To ask that my nephews don’t come

[Littlebitofthis1]

My niece is going through the usual hardships that many teenagers go through at high school. So for her birthday I decided to organise a girls only afternoon tea, and I invited my mum, sister, and niece to come along with my own two daughters and my son (because I’m on mat leave with him).

However, it’s caused a major argument with my sister (whose daughter I planned the event to celebrate). She is annoyed that I didn’t include my two nephews in the invite. I said for my niece, I thought it would be nice to make it girls only and not have her brothers there now she’s older. Now my sister is saying that she’s not going to come and therefore won’t bring my niece either, unless I include my nephews. She also used as an argument that my 6 month old will be there and he’s a boy. Not sure this is of relevance but I’m paying for the event.

should I include my nephews or stand my groundy daughters are still young but I always intentionally do some special things for just them and me and plan to continue that so I didn’t think I would offend anyone by planning this.

Agree! I thought that was horrible. Karma will come into play and I think op may not be so happy when her own kids prefer the niece to her. These types of power battles have a habit of carrying forward to the next generation.

This was what I was going to say

I think it's deeply weird to think it makes more sense to group together an 18 year old and her preschooler age cousins because they're all girls and girls like afternoon tea but exclude her similar age brothers because they are smelly boys who can't enjoy a piece of cake.

If the OP wanted to do an event just for the adults, or just for her and niece, that would make more sense.

I'm glad my parents didn't enforce these weird gender divisions with me and my brother/cousins.

No, it’s the 3 young children that stops it being a girls day.

Bear in mind, this celebration is for the niece’s 18th birthday. She’s not an 8 year old who is going to have a spa day with her slightly younger, but playmate age, female cousins.

The age difference is significant. It’s not a girls day with all adults and some kids under 5. That’s ludicrous.

The OP, niece, niece’s mother and grandmother would make it a girls day.

Adding in the OP’s younger children makes it a family celebration. But one that’s closed off to the niece’s siblings.

The OP has tried to dress it up as a girls day to force her sister into a situation whereby she can’t invite her son’s along, because the niece has complained about this to her before.

That’s all this is about. The “girls’’ day” shite is just an excuse to exclude the nephews because the OP disagrees with her sister about always including them.

It sounds like a lovely thing you’re doing and something I’d hope to do for my niece when she’s older 🩷 your sister is being very over the top and spoiling things which is a real shame! What teenage boys wana be at their sisters girly only afternoon tea anyway!! They’d probably rather stay at home I bet!

Thinking about this again, what makes this so strange is that the OP is annoyed that her sister likes family time but the OP also apparently has to take three under 5 out everywhere with her! I can't imagine anything worse than going to a formal afternoon tea with that many small children, it's certainly not what anyone would choose as an 18th birthday celebration

@Bimmering yes I agree. But currently OP is mother of the year and sees herself, her niece and her young DC as more superior and more important than her nephews and her sisters hurt feelings. It should have been either just niece and OP only if ok with her sister and or niece, OP and her sister only in attendance.

Indeed. She disagrees with (and is clearly annoyed by) her sister wanting to include all of her children at events, that she has deliberately arranged an event to actively exclude 2 of her sister’s children. But it’s perfectly fine for her to bring along all of her children to the same event. It is very strange!

Also, imagine arranging a girls’ day and showing up to one of the attendees sitting there with her 3 young children, and being told that’s it’s fine, because 2 of them are girls, and the boy is only 6 months old 😂

I could not disagree with you more. At my hen afternoon, my sister’s eight month baby came and there was a five year old girl too. It was most definitely a ‘girls’ event. Things can be what you make of them. If you choose to look at it negatively and critically, then that’s up to you.

That’s nice of you to include them.

But most people don’t go to adult events like hen/stag parties etc, and expect to see babies and young children there.

Deary me..why does everyone need to be invited to everything! Surely it's just a lovely gesture for her birthday, end of. I'm taking my eldest to the ballet as she lives it. I am not going to waste money or time dragging my other one just because!
The mind boggles with some people... Good luck and enjoy your girly time (hopefully).

Also apparently it's fine to look negatively on the nephews and consider that the presence of BOYS must ruin everything.. but the presence of three under 5s, nah that's just a matter of perspective

It’s me!! The OP, I’ve had to create a new account and username thanks to someone reporting me?!?

anyway thanks for the big discussion, I went round to my sisters today to apologise and ask what she want to do next. I said the boys could come and she said she’d tell them. They walked in shortly after that and argued with their mum about not wanting to go. She’s said they don’t have a choice so I’ve booked it for everyone.

my niece was upset but my BIL came in and said to my sister that he would be fine for me to take out my niece again on her own. Just thought you might like to know how it all played out in the end.

thanks everyone

You got banned?

Well it’s not really a girls event if your own son is going ? 😂😂😂

I can't believe that your sister is making her two teenage sons attend even though they don't want to go!

Luckily, their dad sounds more reasonable than your sister.

@Littlebitofthis1 I would tell your sister you are happy for them to come, but ONLY if your niece is happy for that to happen. It's her birthday and you are doing something incredibly nice for her, which you are paying for. Your sister is being unreasonable, especially as you've already discussed with your niece and she was happy it was just girls. To be fair I think you're right and the boys probably don't want to go anyway. Do you think your sister is trying to make this into an argument and maybe there's something else going on? To me it seems her reaction was so extreme I wonder if she's got a bee in her bonnet about something else and is using this to air her frustration 🤷🏼‍♀️.

@Littlebitofthis1 I'm just impressed you're managing to organise anything/ leave the house with 3 children under 5, whilst on maternity leave so the little one must be under one. Go you 🏆👏

@Littlebitofthis1 Totally agree with you. My family did this and I don't think either of us was ever offended when one of our parents did something with the other one and it was good to have that one on one time. I do the same with my children and whether it's historically gender specific is irrelevant. I can't see why anyone would criticise you doing this with your niece regardless of if it is traditionally 'girly'. Does it matter if she'll enjoy it.

Personally think it’s a bit rubbish that you are taking all of your children on the premise that they are the same sex as the birthday girl (and of course one being a baby) and excluding 2 of your sisters children based on the fact they are boys. Seems a bit unfair to exclude them in my opinion. It’s afternoon tea, I would say both sexes can enjoy that, sounds more like you are trying to save money. So either do something that’s costs less money that involves everyone or don’t offer.

@Littlebitofthis1 I think sometimes people see issues everywhere. I wondered if your sister was upset about something else (not with you, just generally) which might have made her more sensitive. Maybe she's feeling sensitive because her baby girl is turning 18, it's a lot to see your child become an adult I imagine.

It’s a half day event once you’ve factored in travel time. But for many people that basically means a day off work. The re-invites would be 5 female adults total potentially. It can be a hard number to pin down.

Well that’s nice but do you also have a back story of your sister declaring that she has a closer relationship with your daughter than you do? And would you still be fine if it was all arranged behind your back, with you only being invited 3rd down the list as an afterthought?

It’s the OP who is turning something nice into something unpleasant imo.

Reporting you for what?

Anyway, I don’t know why you wouldn’t have just arranged to take your niece out on her own in the first place?

It’s when you start inviting specific children and people and excluding others, that causes problems.

i don't think nieces mum cares if she's unhappy about them coming or not. which probably contributes to why things are strained.

Your niece is 18.
Your sister is BVU dictating what an adult should do for her birthday.
I’m not into ‘all girls’, but if your niece is, of course she should be able to without her brothers.