To ask that my nephews don’t come

[Littlebitofthis1]

My niece is going through the usual hardships that many teenagers go through at high school. So for her birthday I decided to organise a girls only afternoon tea, and I invited my mum, sister, and niece to come along with my own two daughters and my son (because I’m on mat leave with him).

However, it’s caused a major argument with my sister (whose daughter I planned the event to celebrate). She is annoyed that I didn’t include my two nephews in the invite. I said for my niece, I thought it would be nice to make it girls only and not have her brothers there now she’s older. Now my sister is saying that she’s not going to come and therefore won’t bring my niece either, unless I include my nephews. She also used as an argument that my 6 month old will be there and he’s a boy. Not sure this is of relevance but I’m paying for the event.

should I include my nephews or stand my groundy daughters are still young but I always intentionally do some special things for just them and me and plan to continue that so I didn’t think I would offend anyone by planning this.

The OP says she's at high school?

My daughter is the only girl child on my side and she would have really enjoyed a girls only day, as she always felt left out by the boys (including her brother). If my sister had planned something for my daughter like this it would have been appreciated.

You can be 18 in High School (sixth form)

That‘s not an “odd attitude” it’s normal parental behaviour not to exclude part of family.

How do you not understand this??

You’ve posted your ‘small insight’ into your family situation onto AIBU to gather opinions. You can’t then control the opinions given. We are all forming them on the same information. If you don’t like people disagreeing with you, maybe don’t start threads on mumsnet?

You have described a special gathering of several family members in honour of your niece’s birthday. I’d say that would fall into the category of ‘birthday party’ for most people.

@ProfessionalPirate cool, flogging a dead horse here so going to stop replying to your comments now. Thanks for the engagement! Hope you can get over that resentment you’re holding onto re not going to the rugby matches with your bros and dad growing up.

It's a family event, why on earth would you exclude them just because they are boys? Boys can enjoy afternoon tea with their sister. You meant well, but you're upsetting your family and thie birthday is now a drama.

Thats insane, but if you always cave, she probably knows you will so won't let up until you do.

Id honestly tell her your just taking your niece out and sod everyone else.

Its all about her after all, dont let her mum spoil it.

My mum tries to do things like this and I don’t like it, my son would LOVE afternoon tea and probably more than his sister. Unless there is a big age difference and the boys can’t behave themselves then I don’t understand why you would leave them out. Pretty sure you wouldn’t take the boys out and leave their sister behind.

This. Of course you can choose whoever you invite, but don’t be shocked if you hurt feelings when you leave certain people out. As the mother of sons who have been routinely excluded from ‘girls events’ in the family - it has consequences. These same people will turn around when the boys are teenagers and say ‘oh you know boys they never want to be involved, they’re just not interested in family like girls are’. It starts somewhere.

@Littlebitofthis1 your sister is being a bit of a knob. It’s also weird that she can’t spend any time without her boys there. How sad for your niece.

I have a son and I leave him at home sometimes to f I want to spend time my nieces. Sometimes you just don’t want teenage boys about, it changes the dynamic. I’ve even taken my nieces away and left my son behind. He is totally fine about it, funnily enough he likes spending time with his uncles without women or girls there 🤷‍♀️

That‘s not an “odd attitude” it’s normal parental behaviour not to exclude immediate family members from a birthday celebration- purely on the basis of sex.

How do you not understand this??

If you can’t afford to host - then don’t host at all. It’s very weird.

Everyone saying the nephews should be invited - at what age are we allowed to do things without our siblings? OP’s DN is turning 18, her siblings are younger teenagers than she is. Is DN going to have to invite them on her next date, job interview, girls holiday…? At 18 I’d have LOATHED having my younger brother tagging along to something that was meant to be about me.

OPs afternoon tea isn’t even happening in the same month as DNs birthday, so she’s not taking it over, or excluding people from a celebration.

Seriously. Really bonkers and male centered. “But why about the menz?!?!” Some boy moms are never beating the allegations, ever.

You know school is until 18? My daughter is 18 and is in high school.

My kids learned early on that not everybody has to be invited to everything. Shame some adults here don’t seem to understand that. They seem to want to make a drama about this and get offended for the sake of it.

She is 18 not 8. Girls only is lovely. After all this I would say next year do your own thing with her.

It’s a family gathering to celebrate a milestone birthday. Not a date, not a job interview (wtf). There are going to be 3 under 5s in attendance as it is. I’d have thought that would cramp an 18 year old’s style far more than having her slightly younger brothers there.

Celebrating her would be fine, and I don't think anyone disagreed with you wanting to do something special with her, the issue remains why didn't you do it just the two of you though knowing the full story?

I agree with others that by inviting all the female members of the family it has become a party, especially as you have said it's to celebrate your niece.
You haven't chosen to do this any other year and you have specifically said it's for your niece - not just some female gathering, so that makes it a party.

This event may very well be the niece’s main/only wider family birthday celebration. I don’t think it’s that strange to want the birthday girl’s siblings to be a part of it. I imagine the poor mum wants to try and claw back some degree of control over what should have been her prerogative to organise anyway.

OP at no point have you answered anyone around why you can’t do something just with your niece? If it’s that important, surely your DH can take a day off to mind your kids. Or you could take her out for dinner of an evening?

Out of interest if your older two kids were boys, would you still be doing it? As then it definitely wouldn’t be a girly afternoon.

Your attitude towards your sister is also pretty horrible to be honest, you sound very smug and as if you think you’re a much better parent than her, when you aren’t even past the pre school phase of parenting yourself. Your excuse about forgetting to tell your sister because you’re sixth months post partum is rubbish. Overall you just sound like you’re trying to drive a wedge between the family and you seem pretty immature about it all too.

Everyone is different. Especially with teens. It’s common in most families to do separate things sometimes as not everyone likes the same things!!

Are you the OPs sister by any chance?! Your posts certainly come across as if you are!

There is a big difference with having to bring along very young children to bringing along 2 teenagers who probably don't want to be there.

I also find it bizarre a parent insisting teenagers do everything together and every invite.

It sounds like the niece could do with some support and cheering up and maybe some adult female time. It also sounds like the mum and daughter could also do with some bonding time which doesn't include her brothers.
The sister is being blinkered if she doesn't see this and if her daughter is going to uni away from home then has limited time to fix the bond.

I hardly think 3 adult females makes it a gathering or a party, just an afternoon out.

agreed. Not sure why OP is getting a hard time.

I think some people just want to argue and cause a fuss about anything on here.