To ask that my nephews don’t come

[Littlebitofthis1]

My niece is going through the usual hardships that many teenagers go through at high school. So for her birthday I decided to organise a girls only afternoon tea, and I invited my mum, sister, and niece to come along with my own two daughters and my son (because I’m on mat leave with him).

However, it’s caused a major argument with my sister (whose daughter I planned the event to celebrate). She is annoyed that I didn’t include my two nephews in the invite. I said for my niece, I thought it would be nice to make it girls only and not have her brothers there now she’s older. Now my sister is saying that she’s not going to come and therefore won’t bring my niece either, unless I include my nephews. She also used as an argument that my 6 month old will be there and he’s a boy. Not sure this is of relevance but I’m paying for the event.

should I include my nephews or stand my groundy daughters are still young but I always intentionally do some special things for just them and me and plan to continue that so I didn’t think I would offend anyone by planning this.

Imagine this as a reverse. “My daughter is turning 18 later this year. My sister wants to take us out for a girly afternoon tea to celebrate (not on the day or even the same month). It would be my sister, my daughter and me, our mum and my sister’s two little girls - and baby son. It’s on a weekday so childcare is a factor. This would mean leaving out my two boys, our husbands and our brothers. AIBU to say this is not happening unless my teenage sons are invited too?”

Can’t wait for OP to invite niece on holiday the two of them in a few years and the sister to be insisting the brothers come too.

So tedious when a mumsnetter accuses someone who dares to disagree with the OP as being the antagonist in question 🙄

Yes I agree there’s a big difference - the under 5s will change the tone massively, whereas the teenagers should slot in well. And you have no idea whether or not they want to be there, not all teenagers are the same.

We’ve only had OP’s side of the story but it doesn’t sound to me like she wants to help import her niece’s relationship with her mum - far from it, she seems to be revelling in the drama and stirring the pot. That’s how her posts have come across to me, anyway. I don’t think this is really about the teenage boys attending, I think the OP’s sister is fed up with OP overstepping with her daughter.

And it’s 4 adult females attending, with 2 others invited who were unable to attend. Plus the three cousins.

I think the post from OP’s sister would be more likely to read…
’AIBU to be fuming that my younger sister - who loves being a ‘cool aunt’ and making out that her relationship with my daughter is closer than mine - has gone behind my back to organise my daughters 18th birthday celebration. She graciously invited me recently - about third down the list. It’s not looking anything like the way I would have organised it myself, I’m not keen on the guest list. But since she’s invited most of the family, I don’t feel like I can go ahead and do my own thing with them again so soon. Just feels like sis is massively undermining me.

And don't you hate it when a mn creates their own back story and narrative 😉

I see nothing wrong with wanting to have a girls afternoon the OP explained why that had to be done with her children about as her own sisters rules dictated certain time.

Teenagers slot in well?! I have a number of teenage nephews who sound similar to the OPs (want gaming stuff that's what they enjoy etc) who would not appreciate an afternoon sat drinking tea is the alternative is gaming!

I suppose it depends if it is just the OP and niece or OP and a brood of preschoolers.

@Littlebitofthis1 I think this is a lovely idea and don’t know why anyone is giving you grief. My sister is a fab auntie and regularly sees my kids individually and has done for years. Once they were teens they arranged their own get togethers and it’s nothing to do with me or the wider family

It’s not a backstory, it’s the conclusion I have drawn based on the OP’s testimony. I don’t know for sure that the sister is pissed about the OP overstepping (any more than you know that she isn’t) but I believe it’s a distinct possibility. I know I would be.

As for teenage nephews, yes I have several myself. One wouldn’t be remotely interested in afternoon tea. The others would love it. Turns out teenagers aren’t all the same! Who knew!

Isn't it A celebration rather than THE celebration. I didn't think was the only or main birthday party/ celebration and it's not on the girls actual birthday either

Nothing at all stopping the girls mother for organizing stuff alao

No, but most of the family seem to have been invited to this event so the sister may feel that another family event would be repetitive. Most people’s birthday parties don’t fall on their actual birthday, I’m not sure that really changes anything.

If I was the sister, I think it would possibly feel weird to organise another birthday meal out a week or two later inviting all the same people (plus extras).

I think the OP should have run this idea past the sister before she organised it, not just presented a fait accompli when she invited the sister as an apparent afterthought. For all she knew the sister was planning to organise something similar herself.

Taking my disclosure about my childhood and mocking me with it - nice. Tells us a lot about the sort of person you are.

the brood of preschoolers are OP’s children - why is it so weird the idea of inviting one other more distant family member (esp an adult) to join a nuclear family on holiday or on a trip. Heck I’ve had individual friends’ kids over plenty of times and would def invite my niece on her own eg to the theatre when she’s older, alone with any preschoolers I might have lying around.

I just bet that if the OP had suggested taking one of the nephews out to do something he enjoyed for his birthday treat there’s no way anyone would be saying his big sister should come too.

This is giving me such strong flashbacks to being a teenager and one of my friends always being forced to bring his younger brother out with him on all our nights out/trips. None of knew why he was there and neither did he.

not most of the family, none of the dads, uncles or sons are invited. they're having a girls outing.

its not only the teen boys who are uninvited.

I was responding to a post asking if the Mum would have an issue with the sons not being included in a holiday. Including pre schoolers changes the dynamic. One is a chance for niece to let her hair down with the OP, the other sounds more like an opportunity for the OP to use niece for free childcare.

Surely your sister’s argument is pointless as she can’t speak on behalf of your adult niece? So if your sister doesn’t want to come then fair enough-carry on with your plans.

You seem to be overly invested in this. Maybe step away and take up creative writing as a hobby?

It’s a good life lesson to learn that one’s presence is not desired or required in every circumstance.

Only someone desperately bitter and unhappy surely could have such a mean-spirited take on the OP’s birthday tea plans. Goodness!

Well it’s still a significant proportion of the family. My point still stands that re-inviting these people to a repeat birthday meal out may not be something the sister will want to do.

Here we go again. Don’t like what a mumsnetter has to say but rather than engage in the discussion you knock them down and call them overly invested. Great tactic.

Is that me you are accusing of being desperately unhappy and bitter? Since when did it become a thing on mumsnet to just verbally abuse a poster instead of engaging in the actual discussion? I suppose if you can’t form and argument it’s the only option left to you.

I think your sister has found your thread @Littlebitofthis1!

This is a bizarre level of investment on this poster’s part.

Wow some serious mental leaps being made on the thread.

I hope OP saves her money and just takes herself and her kids out for a nice tea, and DN sacks everyone off including her brothers and runs away to Ibiza for her birthday. 😁

Well the sister could've done so easily. She's not even arguing about that though

😂 thanks confirming that you have nothing useful to contribute. I could say the same about your investment on the other team, but that would be childish of me.

🙏 Thank you for actually replying rather than resorting to the crappy personal remarks like everyone else seems to be.

Anyway to respond - what could the sister have done easily, organise her own party? But the OP got in there so quickly and without consultation, she may have felt like there wasn’t a chance.

It struck me when reading the OP that it would piss me off massively if a sibling of mine organised an 18th birthday party for my child and then invited me as an afterthought. Especially if that sibling reckoned their relationship with their child was so much better and closer than my own. The OP hasn’t been able to accuse her sister of any serious parenting misdemeanours, so it’s likely this is just a typical teenage phase.

My take is that for the sister this isn’t really just about inviting the nephews. I imagine her problem with the OP runs far deeper.