To ask that my nephews don’t come

[Littlebitofthis1]

My niece is going through the usual hardships that many teenagers go through at high school. So for her birthday I decided to organise a girls only afternoon tea, and I invited my mum, sister, and niece to come along with my own two daughters and my son (because I’m on mat leave with him).

However, it’s caused a major argument with my sister (whose daughter I planned the event to celebrate). She is annoyed that I didn’t include my two nephews in the invite. I said for my niece, I thought it would be nice to make it girls only and not have her brothers there now she’s older. Now my sister is saying that she’s not going to come and therefore won’t bring my niece either, unless I include my nephews. She also used as an argument that my 6 month old will be there and he’s a boy. Not sure this is of relevance but I’m paying for the event.

should I include my nephews or stand my groundy daughters are still young but I always intentionally do some special things for just them and me and plan to continue that so I didn’t think I would offend anyone by planning this.

Your interpretation of the OP’s intentions re treating her niece was one of the most spiteful I have seen on MN. And it’s a crowded field.

Please. My view of the OP’s intentions are that she is merely a bit immature and thoughtless. And unwilling to consider other viewpoints (although I think most people posting on AIBU tick that box - me included I dare say!) Does that really qualify as the most spiteful thing you’ve ever seen on mumsnet?!

And so you would really be totally cool if your sibling, while making herself out to be a much better parent and mother figure for your daughter than you are, went and organised a milestone family birthday party for her without any prior consultation with you, inviting you only as an afterthought?

We have clearly interpreted the OP’s posts very differently.

Some people are batshit 😂

It is perfectly ok to have a 'girly day' and not invite boys, we do not need to centre the male of the species in every single blooming thing we do, and I say that as someone who has many men I love in my life, including my son.

The OP has explained over and over that the reason her children have to go is because her Sister doesn't want anything planned on the weekend, as that's her family time. The OP has also explained that it's FOR her Niece's birthday, not ON her Niece's birthday, so no overstepping on birthday celebrations.

OP, I think it's a lovely thing you're trying to do, your sister is being a menace 😄

I don’t think it’s unusual to have a girls only day but I would have called my sister first to ask what she thought and if she wanted to come.
I probably would have kept it to just me, my sister and niece so it’s more of an adult treat - fine to bring the baby at 6 months - and then it would have been more of a treat for your niece and less of a family day out your nephews weren’t invited to.
If your sister doesn’t want to come can you just take your niece?

Really not your place to organise it without discussing it with her mother first. You're trying to better her parents

Come off it. You are like a dog with a bone trying to find nefarious motives/reasons for OP arranging a girls only afternoon tea for her niece.

Many posters have been pretty rude and judgemental towards OP and she has remained patient and polite.

Patient and polite? We can’t be reading the same thread. Not for you to tell me what I’m allowed to be offended by. Plenty of other posters also think the OP was overstepping in arranging this party. I think you’re pursuing your own agenda here.

I think you’ve tired to do a nice thing but you have probably stepped on some toes and I would have personally gone about it another way.

You should of either done a little afternoon tea for you and your niece - just the 2 of you

OR

Spoke to your sister about it before hand to see how she felt about it being girls only.

I could imagine as a mum to both boy and girl how odd it would be for my sister to message me out of the blue “right I’m planning a family afternoon tea for your daughters birthday - girls only so her brother can’t come”

Although I know you’re doing it with good intentions you’ve over stepped in my opinion, you’ve had a nice aunt and niece afternoon tea a family afternoon tea and excluded your nephews.

The more I think about it the more I do think it was a bit weird to take over planning of daughters 18th and arrange an afternoon tea for girls only without asking mum first.

Yuk.

Some women are really toxic as fuck about boys. They are children, not men.

Anyway, the issue appears to be that ALL of the OP’s children are welcome to come along, but not her sister’s children.

The only person who has made it about them being male is the OP. Her sister, on the other hand, would like all of her children to be at the celebration, just like how all of the OP’s children will be there.

So, it’s fine for younger cousins to attend, but not younger siblings? Now that is bonkers.

Yes, as the mother of a boy and girl this is where I am coming from. I am also in the position of the OP ironically - much younger than my siblings with teenage nieces / nephews that probably view me as quite ‘cool’ compared to their older parents. I can’t imagine riding so roughshod over my siblings / SILs like the OP has done.

I don’t think OP is being nasty she obviously in her head wasn’t being malicious but once you start adding mum, granny etc it makes it a birthday event which I think OP should of asked her sister about. It is over stepping a bit… however OP asking niece to do a girls shopping day and afternoon tea just them 2 isn’t (imo)

I agree I don’t think she has been malicious, just a bit thoughtless. And nothing wrong with an Aunt/niece day out. It’s a shame she hasn’t been willing to take on board any of the comments regarding this. I think there may be difficult times ahead for the OP in terms of family relations.

Your niece is 18...
So nothing to do with her mother
You plan it inviting whoever and let your niece know
If the sister refuses to come so be it
But she can't dictate who comes to something she isn't paying for and didn't organise

Your sister sounds like a dick. It’s a girls lunch. A baby doesn’t count

"But my sister has always had an odd attitude to events and will never do anything unless all her kids are with her"

So you knew this would cause an issue but went ahead and organised it anyway without discussing it with your sister first?

YABU you have created this problem yourself. I hope it doesn't spoil your niece's birthday

@Littlebitofthis1 I’ve read all the comments and while I don’t think you’re out of order at all, the simplest thing to do would be to arrange directly with your adult niece to go out for afternoon tea with whoever she wished to invite. If she’s a normal 18 year old she’ll be out with friends to celebrate too, turns out you can celebrate your own birthday on more than one occasion and it’s nothing to do with your parents. I honestly think it’s a row about nothing its nothing to do with your sister what you and your niece do now she’s an adult.

Except that's not really how it works when girls and boys are socialised from a young age to see activities as masculine or feminine.

For example, you have a baby boy. He sees you split off for 'girls' and 'boys' activities, and internalises what he 'should' like. Then as a teenager, you ask him "Hey Ben, do you fancy going for afternoon tea?". He says no and you nod because he just happens not to like something traditionally 'girly' without considering that you (along with the rest of society) has actively taught him that afternoon tea is something he shouldn't enjoy.

And that would be fine, except 'girly' activities are looked down upon and it's seen as embarrassing for boys to like them. And girls that like 'boyish' activities are accused of just trying to get boys to like them (even if they are really good at or knowledgeable about the sport/activity).

Then there's the issue that traditionally 'girly' activities tend to go hand in hand with talking and relaxing, which have fantastic mental health benefits. And 'boy' activities tend to be active and great for physical health.

I think this is one area that doesn't feel that deep on the surface, but actually affects both boys and girls more than we realise.

Dd3 was 18 recently and her 2 much older sisters (both in their 30s), especially dd2, like arranging things for her without consulting me. Fine, but dd3 has adhd and has generally no idea of her other commitments so she has to ask me anyway. I don't try to make difficulties and try to encourage their relationship but being 18 and at school is not the same as being a 'proper' adult.
I don't see a problem with the OP's gift being not extended to the boys, she's paying after all.

I would genuinely love it if my sister invited my daughter for a birthday afternoon tea and I would be absolutely fine with it being a girls event. I can say hand on heart that her brother would not care at all,. We often do varied things as a family which involves splitting up the adults or the children. None of us care less because it is all about good intentioned fun and it all balances out over a lifetime. We are not petty, spiteful or precious about this stuff.

it’s not a milestone birthday party. It is a girls afternoon tea in advance of the actual birthday. As the young folk say, it really isn’t that deep. Some people can turn the nicest thing into something unpleasant. I know one or two people who always assume the worst, a bit like you. Luckily, they are just acquaintances and not my close friends or family.

I’d just cancel all. Sounds like it’s more trouble than it’s worth and certainly not appreciated.

that doesn't make sense. the only re-invites would be her mother and sister. they're hardly going to say no. the others are the birthday girl and Ops small children.

its afternoon tea for max 2 hours not a party.

Its lovely to do things for your niece but I can also understand your sister being upset.

Your sister may feel a bit left out/put out/envious about your relationship with her daughter and she may find this hurtful (have you never considered this). Looking after and parenting teenagers is like a minefield and very much more challenging on another level than looking after a toddler and a baby.

My daughter has always been very hard work and as she got older my SIL (no children of her own and at her age now she is unlikely to have them). She has suddenly decided to muscle in on both of my children/young people who are both away at Uni (texting them frequently), inviting them to stay with her for the weekend). She is very well off and ended up spending more on DD’s 21st than we her parents did. At first on the one hand I was pleased they had another trusted family member they could confide in. But SIL now enjoys letting it slip if she thinks she knows about something before we did or something that we don’t know and sort of behaves in a way that they prefer her and have a better relationship with her etc (which they possibly do but it isn’t really on and as a mum I find this hurtful and difficult). DD has called us all of the names under the sun when she has been very angry or upset, she has been hurtful and broken and damaged things in our home. Whereas SIL has just seen her nice side when she is buying her things, doing things for her and has her undivided attention.

It’s not girls only though is it?

You aren’t seriously thinking that a six month baby boy stops it being a girls’ event?!