To not invite BIL’s GF to wedding ceremony

[Tinywedding]

Looking for some advice as the suggestion of this has horrified my MIL and I’m not sure if this is a hill to die on or what could be a compromise. I’m particularly interested to hear from anyone who has also got married shortly after losing a parent and what kind of wedding you had.

Short version: Me and DP will be having a very small informal wedding this summer. Because I lost my dad recently and am still grieving I have said from the start that a traditional wedding without him would be too hard. Compromise is a tiny ceremony with our absolute closest family present (his mum and DB), our toddler, and my mum and grandmother, then (probably on a different day) an informal evening reception type thing with wider friends and family. BIL has a new GF who he has been with about 4 months. MIL is horrified at the plan for the GF to only be invited to the evening party and not the ceremony. Says she’s ‘family’. We haven’t told BIL yet but I suspect they will feel the same. They have gotten serious very quickly, meeting family, plans to live together, saying I love you, telling my toddler she’s her aunty within the first 2 months. But ultimately I have only met her 3 times, don’t know whether this will last and feel uncomfortable with her being at the super tiny ceremony and in all the photos.

Is this unreasonable?

For those who want more detail: she is nice, she’s made a huge effort with my toddler (Xmas gifts etc) and I have no issue with her. I just don’t really know her. They’re young, he’s 25 she’s 22. BIL has a track record of getting really serious with GFs very quickly, often moving in within weeks and she is the fourth GF that has followed this pattern. My DP and MIL seem to like this one best though. I feel terrible at upsetting people but ultimately it is my wedding. DP doesn’t mind either way and would prefer to have her there to keep BIL and MIL happy. I don’t know whether to just come up with totally different plans for the wedding now tbh but I have no idea what that would entail.

I don’t agree with ‘no ring, no bring’ but they’re not established enough for her to be invited. It’s a tiny ceremony!

You could always rethink it if she's still around in the summer.

Bets on she won't be though.

You’re only having 5 guests - it’s hardly an issue that they don’t all have plus ones surely. If he’s got a track record especially of doing similar and having a new love of his life every 6 months, then it’s even less reason to extend an invite.

I think that you’re doing what’s best for you in such a tough time - sorry to read about your dad. It can be hard when those huge family occasions come up, especially with a recent loss.

It makes total sense for her to just come to the larger party, rather than the intimate ceremony.

Given the short time they have been in a relationship and his track record for a quick turnover in gfs I think you are entirely reasonable not asking this comparative stranger to your very small, intimate ceremony.
It's your wedding OP and you want to enjoy the ceremony. So whatever you and your future DH want is what should happen .

Kind of similar circumstances here OP.
My Dad died before we got married. He would've wanted me to have a big family wedding, so that's what we had - over 100 people to the day and evening.
DHs sister was in her early 20s at the time. Had a boyfriend, she wanted him to come to the wedding. DH and I were absolutely firm he wasn't invited to the day or the evening. My parents in law even offered to pay for his place at the wedding (didn't offer to pay for anything else mind!). We had to be really frank at that point and said it wasn't about the money, it was yet another new boyfriend, we didn't know him or know how long he'd be around for, and we didn't want this stranger being a part of our wedding day!
He wasn't invited. It didn't last. There were many more after him - which I don't begrudge, you're only young once!
We've been married for 10 years this year. And it's not a thing at all. But, boy, I'm glad we stood firm on it!

ETA: Ultimately, ask your partner how he will feel 10 years down the line about this woman being at your wedding, in the photos, etc if she's no longer in your lives.

I would normally say invite her but you are having less than 10 guests and the fact is she isnt family, not even really an established girlfriend.

Four months in I wouldn’t be inviting her to a Christmas dinner let alone a tiny wedding.

If she's as nice as you think she won't be offended to be omitted. If either you or your DP feel the need to explain simply say you are not including any of your friends to the ceremony. It is far too small a group to include a plus one for your BiL (and if he gets shirty drop him too). Very sorry for your loss.

I've got things in my fridge that have been there longer than they've been together. It's a tiny ceremony. If other people were invited along with girlfriends and she was the exception, than yes MIL might have a point. This isn't the case.

No. She's not invited. MIL doesn't get to call this one.

If MIL has another wedding she can invite the new gf. Not her place to dictate who’s at yours. You’re having a tiny do, you’ve only met this woman 3 times! Stick to your guns. If BIL kicks off he can duck out.

I think this is your DPs call as they're his family, and as his preference is to have her there and keep the peace I'd go with that.

Seems ridiculous to think to replan your wedding over not inviting one person - Dp whose brother it is doesn’t seem
to mind - aren’t weddings about getting to know family? -are you worried she won’t understand how you feel about your dad?

you could try your idea then if bil is put out invite her

What are you actually planning for the day?

I have cheese that is older than 16 weeks in my fridge your MIL is ridiculous.

You mean after the ceremony? Unsure at the moment. We’re trying to decide if it’s better to have the evening part on the same or different day. We see that as quite a separate thing to be honest. It’s more a party to celebrate us getting married rather than a wedding.

If the party is a different day to the ceremony we might go for a meal all together and/or possibly see if one of our mums can babysit and spend a night together away somewhere.

The past relationships have all lasted around 18 months - 2 years so I think she will tbh! I’m not judging my BIL. He’s young so other than moving a bit quicker than I would I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong.

I agree it’s a small event and they have only been together a short time id invite her to the party but not the wedding. If your dhs family fall out over it id probably do an even smaller wedding and just have 2 witnesses.

I see your point. I just think that would be a really weird dynamic and I’m not happy with the idea. It’s already got me dreading and regretting the wedding.

Then I’m wondering if we would be better off doing something literally just the two of us (maybe 3 with the toddler) or waiting until the grief is less extreme and considering a more traditional wedding with our wider families.

Why is she bothering you so much?

if she is - you definitely need to keep it how she said

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.

I think you are completely fine with your plans. Speak to DP explain that just now you don't yet want her there and keep it very private. Could you go out as couples before as a joint hen/stag meal or afterwards just the 4 of you?

Alternatively maybe just have both mum's to the ceremony as witnesses.

It's your day, do what YOU want as long as it's not causing your DH a massive issue.

Because she would be 1 of only 5 adults present at my wedding and unlike the others who have been there our entire lives and always will be there, she is essentially a stranger. I’ve spent more time with the woman who does my eyebrows! And I’ve had dinner parties with more people present!

I would find it weird.
I wouldn’t feel completely at ease.
It would be completely different if she was 1 of 20 there.

You have your answer then - if you explain it that way I’m sure your bil will understand

you do need to take dps opinion into account though

it sounds like it really matters to you - I am a bit surprised at how everyone who is there has to be such a lifelong presence - it’s literally a 5 minute thing

id party a different day

if you want to persist with her not being there then tell your bil you are doing the legal bit one day (like a drs apt) and then having the party where wider friends and family will be invited and just say you’d like him to be there

I think your dad is perhaps eclipsing your reason - which is ok

Your MiL is bonkers.

From the title, I opened the thread assuming you were inviting 80 odd people to the wedding (and I still wouldn't invite a gf of 4 months to that, personally).
The fact you are only having 4 guests makes it very clear how small and intimate it is and how inappropriate it would be to shoehorn anyone else into the ceremony, however nice they might be.

I wouldn't give it a second thought and would refuse to discuss it. Just repeat whenever she brings it up, "It is our wedding, and this isn't up for discussion" then move the conversation elsewhere.

I would say something along the lines of she’s nice and you like her but you’re inviting the people who mean the most to you in your life and you’ve only known her a few months. She is extended family (at best) and extended family are only invited to the evening/party

This reminds me of our wedding where BIL insisted on bringing a woman he fancied as a plus one - very small wedding only 30 guests. I met her once before the wedding. She was lovely but we didn’t think he needed a plus one. He threatened to not come to the wedding unless we had her there though. One of many reasons we are now no contact with him…

As a pp said if she’s as nice as you say she won’t mind.

If it helps, @Tinywedding , we had a tiny wedding midweek with just our two witnesses and then went out for lunch.

Then we had an evening get together with all the family and friends on the weekend with the excuse "that will make it easier for people to come."