To not invite BIL’s GF to wedding ceremony

[Tinywedding]

Looking for some advice as the suggestion of this has horrified my MIL and I’m not sure if this is a hill to die on or what could be a compromise. I’m particularly interested to hear from anyone who has also got married shortly after losing a parent and what kind of wedding you had.

Short version: Me and DP will be having a very small informal wedding this summer. Because I lost my dad recently and am still grieving I have said from the start that a traditional wedding without him would be too hard. Compromise is a tiny ceremony with our absolute closest family present (his mum and DB), our toddler, and my mum and grandmother, then (probably on a different day) an informal evening reception type thing with wider friends and family. BIL has a new GF who he has been with about 4 months. MIL is horrified at the plan for the GF to only be invited to the evening party and not the ceremony. Says she’s ‘family’. We haven’t told BIL yet but I suspect they will feel the same. They have gotten serious very quickly, meeting family, plans to live together, saying I love you, telling my toddler she’s her aunty within the first 2 months. But ultimately I have only met her 3 times, don’t know whether this will last and feel uncomfortable with her being at the super tiny ceremony and in all the photos.

Is this unreasonable?

For those who want more detail: she is nice, she’s made a huge effort with my toddler (Xmas gifts etc) and I have no issue with her. I just don’t really know her. They’re young, he’s 25 she’s 22. BIL has a track record of getting really serious with GFs very quickly, often moving in within weeks and she is the fourth GF that has followed this pattern. My DP and MIL seem to like this one best though. I feel terrible at upsetting people but ultimately it is my wedding. DP doesn’t mind either way and would prefer to have her there to keep BIL and MIL happy. I don’t know whether to just come up with totally different plans for the wedding now tbh but I have no idea what that would entail.

I can honestly hand on heart say I wouldn’t be offended if it was the other way round. And that’s with me being engaged and having a baby with the brother!

And if this had been the scenario a few months into dating I certainly wouldn’t expect to be there. I think I would have dreaded being part of such an intimate day so early on in our relationship with people I barely knew tbh!

But me and the GF are very different, including in the speed we go at in relationships I think.

I think getting married is an intimate and family/close friends thing - I know that is an unpopular opinion

I totally disagree. If I'd just lost my father I would only want my most precious family around me. The girlfriend has been on the scene for four months. The OP can have the wedding she wants, not what the MIL wants

Under these circumstances I’d be really tempted to just go away and marry with DH and DC.

the problem with inviting her is that other uninvited members of the family may become upset that they were missed out but a random GF of a few months was invited. Pressure may come to invite others and before you know it it’s blown all out of proportion.

My DN was going to get married just her, DH and 2 witnesses. She was made to feel guilty for not inviting certain family members. Before you know it she was having a ceremony and reception for 50 people.

Just say you are having two witnesses each, if MIL wants to trade places with the GF then tell her that's fine by all means. She'll drop it then.

I don't think that's the same? I think most people would not feel the least bit slighted to not get an invite given the circumstances. Most people would get they hardly know the bride and it's not a typical wedding and bring your plus one scenario.

psrsonally I would do this

God you’re getting some weird replies on here! Absolutely don’t invite her. For my large (120ish) wedding we had to invite my BIL’s girlfriend of 9 months (who was already 6 months pregnant) - DH’s family invited her without asking us, assuming because she was pregnant she’d be treated as a very serious +1. There were already lots of red flags about her and I didn’t want her there, but was too much of a pushover to push back on it. They remained together for about a year afterwards and it turned out she was a narcissist and abuser and has for the past ten years continued to make his life hell. She’s in several of my wedding photos (I did actually insist she wasn’t in all the family ones) and it irritates me to this day! So in your circumstances, with a shorter relationship and only 5 guests, there’s no universe in which you should feel this stranger has to come. And for everyone saying just do it to keep the peace - why should you bow to the demands of unreasonable people on your wedding day?? Madness.

Are you sure you're up fir the wedding now? Is it too soon emotionally? I'm in agreement with you, btw, and you shouldn't have to deal with everyone else's comfort and expectations. I might be tempted to elope. 🤔
You, partner and your dc are all you really need. 🩷💐

It’s not a ceremony it’s a formality in a room the size of an office with only
5

the DH wants to invite her

but yes agree about the grief

But her DH isn’t bothered either way, he just wants to keep the peace with MIL and BIL

It never fails to amaze me how many people think it’s fine to make someone else’s wedding about what they want.
Who’s invited, whether it’s child free, if people have a plus 1, whatever it is - if you don’t like it, don’t go - but don’t put pressure on couples getting married to change things to suit you. It’s literally the only day in their life that’s about them and it’s stressful enough to plan as it is without accommodating everyone’s demands.

Why is the GF happy to be inserting herself into a tiny wedding, just to prove her status as the BIL's other half. Or is it the MIL that is insisting.

In the GF's place I'd be much happier at the evening reception with other friends and relatives.

In response to people saying the DP has a say too... He's already made a cop out by saying he doesn't mind either way.

If that is actually true... he should be putting his grieving bride to be first and not caving to pressure from his DM and DB.. They are having a larger reception for friends and family anyway.. why isn't that enough. Its a registry office signing... not a full choir before God job.

But no. The MIL and DB must impose their will on OP.. And DP "doesn't mind either way."

Elope OP.

But the OP posted asking advice

there would be no post your way

keeping the peace need to be considered in situations like this

you can airbrush people out of photos easily now

and it’s not a wedding!!

Of course it’s a wedding 😵‍💫 they’re getting married

Should MIL and BIL not “keep the peace” a let OP and DH just get married the way they want to without making it about BIL?

If OP was just dating her DH it would be. It doesn’t bode well for families to exclude just one person. It’s not like they are only having the mums as witnesses and no siblings.

I’m sorry for your loss!
I lost my Mum last year unexpectedly and me and my partner have decided when we get married we’ll elope as I couldn’t bare a wedding without my Mum there.
In your situation, I’d also not invite the GF. It’s not to be cruel or rude, it’s your wedding. It’s not your BIL or MIL’s wedding so quite frankly it’s got fuck all to do with them.
Is your husband-to-be of the same mindset as you that it would be somewhat awkward to have her there as part of a very close, intimate group?

What? Airbrush the gf out if a wedding pic? 😂😂😂
A nice blank space, you mean?
🤦‍♀️

Good grief. Not only must OP invite someone she hardly knows to a very small ceremony she gas to doctor wedding pics as well. JFC.

doesn't work like that with relatives as we all know

it will be in a room like an office - with only 5 - no walking up the aisle etc so I wouldn’t say it’s a wedding

it’s helpful
not to anyway given there is people you don’t want to invite - downplay it

Weddings are about the couple nobody else really but the decision should be down to the groom given it’s his side of the family.

If they break up!

ffs OP is worried they won’t stay together so she will be in her wedding photos years to come - that’s what I meant - use your noodle

Op YANBU, your wedding, your rules and kil can do you a favour and fuck off and make the ceremony even smaller if she's going to deliberately ignore quite how tiny of a crowd you will have. Good luck and congratulations on your wedding x

It’s hard to go to a wedding alone??! What do single people do?!

even if it was a large wedding and everyone else had plus ones, I’d manage on my own. However this is a wedding of 5 people and the only people that have a plus one are the bride & groom!

The girlfriend isn't family. It's only the MiL who expects her to be treated as family.

My guess is the BiL to be is the Golden Child.

We were talking bigger weddings not this one

in my world single people get a plus one so they can invite someone if they would like

the world has got so bloody selfish

Just because it’s not a wedding by your standards, doesn’t mean it’s not a wedding. It will be meaningful for OP

And actually, it should work like that with relatives. MIL and BIL need to grow up and respect OP and DH’s wishes