To not invite BIL’s GF to wedding ceremony

[Tinywedding]

Looking for some advice as the suggestion of this has horrified my MIL and I’m not sure if this is a hill to die on or what could be a compromise. I’m particularly interested to hear from anyone who has also got married shortly after losing a parent and what kind of wedding you had.

Short version: Me and DP will be having a very small informal wedding this summer. Because I lost my dad recently and am still grieving I have said from the start that a traditional wedding without him would be too hard. Compromise is a tiny ceremony with our absolute closest family present (his mum and DB), our toddler, and my mum and grandmother, then (probably on a different day) an informal evening reception type thing with wider friends and family. BIL has a new GF who he has been with about 4 months. MIL is horrified at the plan for the GF to only be invited to the evening party and not the ceremony. Says she’s ‘family’. We haven’t told BIL yet but I suspect they will feel the same. They have gotten serious very quickly, meeting family, plans to live together, saying I love you, telling my toddler she’s her aunty within the first 2 months. But ultimately I have only met her 3 times, don’t know whether this will last and feel uncomfortable with her being at the super tiny ceremony and in all the photos.

Is this unreasonable?

For those who want more detail: she is nice, she’s made a huge effort with my toddler (Xmas gifts etc) and I have no issue with her. I just don’t really know her. They’re young, he’s 25 she’s 22. BIL has a track record of getting really serious with GFs very quickly, often moving in within weeks and she is the fourth GF that has followed this pattern. My DP and MIL seem to like this one best though. I feel terrible at upsetting people but ultimately it is my wedding. DP doesn’t mind either way and would prefer to have her there to keep BIL and MIL happy. I don’t know whether to just come up with totally different plans for the wedding now tbh but I have no idea what that would entail.

I do think it’s odd to expect people to come without a partner to a wedding - it’s quite hard to go on your own individually

I was with my dh over 15 years before we married . It would have pissed me ( and him ) off ever that would have happened .

I think maybe something that might help is not calling it a wedding - it’s not really is it - try and phrase it as the civil bit and the party is the main bit

OP you’re perfectly reasonable - I’d just keep repeating “I’m sorry you’re upset by it, but we have
decided we only want immediate family there for the ceremony.”

I think inviting her to the bigger party is a good thing to do - then it isn’t a pointed thing about her or excluding her. We had about 90 at our wedding and honestly I didn’t get round everyone - and we had people there that either me or DH were only meeting for the first time - it really didn’t matter in such a big crowd.

I wouldn't be inviting someone as a partner of a family member after just 4 months together. If it was a huge wedding and it meant a lot to them, maybe, but not an intimate wedding.

I wouldn’t invite her, but your BIL sounds intense so be prepped for him maybe throwing a hissy fit and saying he won’t go.

A girlfriend of 4 months doesn’t need to be invited to any part of the celebrations. If the relationship is shorter than the event planning, it just doesn’t need an invitation.

I don’t think you can stop people ringing partners to parties - that’s just odd

But she wasn’t a partner. She was literally someone he fancied. He knew loads of people there, he was the best man. Lots of single people go to weddings on their own.

Do whatever you want. BUT- be prepared for the snub to linger a very long time. Is it really worth making an enemy so early of a lady who could end up being a very good friend to you in the future if they marry and have children? Your children's cousins?

Your in-laws are already aware and looking at future fall out, that's why they've offered to pay for her.

If it’s really tiny, only 7 people including you both and your toddler it is absolutely fine to exclude her, it’s only blood relatives. If you start to include more people eg friends then she probably will need to be included

?

she is his partner - OP doesn’t have a problem with her coming to party

and yes those single people
often find it uncomfortable

YANBU.

Firstly, sorry for your loss.

In your situation I’d tell MIL that if she wants to push it then the alternative option is you elope just the two of you and children and no extended family (including her) will be invited.

If it were a bigger wedding I’d say just invite her, but with so few guests it’s just not appropriate.

She will be in all the photos as you have no way to politely exclude her and you have no idea how long the relationship will last and you won’t want a person your BIL dated 10 years ago in your wedding pictures in the future.

Just be firm that it’s immediate blood relatives only and if she pushes it then the guest list will be reduced further and not expanded.

@Tiramisutoyou Hollyhock isn't referring to the OP, she is referring to the anecdote she told.

Also, he was the brother of the groom, so obviously knew at least half the room.

I'd invite her. My dad died recently - not inviting my brother/bil's serious girlfriend wouldn't have lessened my grief.
Their relationship might not last. But then again, she could be your sister in law for the next 50 years. They are committed now, in this moment. If they aren't together by the time you marry, then the issue has solved itself.

If they think it’s a snub given the duration of the relationship then that’s their cross to bear.

If the GF is as nice as the OP says she would understand - I certainly would and wouldn’t be at all offended.

She could be your future sister in law though.. and it could affect your future relationship.

We had my cousin's new girlfriend to our wedding. They are together 30 years later and she still remembers how nice it was that we invited her. She's been a brilliant auntie/ babysitter and friend in that time.

It was a slightly bigger wedding than yours so I'm not saying you should. Just another perspective.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I get that it’s not ideal, but leaving out his GF of however recent vintage, will distract from your day. There will be lots of noise around it and if she does turn out to be ‘the one’ the awkwardness might linger a long time.

Given that she has already taken trouble with your toddler, would it really be so impossible to have her there all day.

I’d guess this is about something else and would just go with DH’s view. That’s not my default position but this one it’d just go with it and trust that you will be much too engaged with your wedding and so hardly notice she is there.

Hope it goes well.

You invite who you want for your wedding. If anyone doesn't like it they don't have to come. If MIL continues to comment tell her that you are thinking of eloping instead.

It’s fine for you to not invite her although to help keep the peace I’d message her directly to apologies, it’s a tiny ceremony with only 4 adults and you can’t wait to celebrate at the main event with her.

It wouldn’t bother me, for me it would be about my marriage, but understand it really would bother you, so you need to stand your ground and explain that this is how you feel and you don’t want her there.

How would I hardly notice she was there in a group of only 5 adults all day? 😂

It’s not about something else it’s about only wanting our absolute closest family there who we love and know inside out.

I wouldn’t be impressed if DB and MIL made a big thing of her absence on the day of the ceremony.

Still odd imv

I’m sorry for your loss op

my concern would be that this conversation won’t end with no- you’ll be continuously nagged, everyone will dig their heels in and it’ll be a no big deal situation that turns into a constant cloud over your preparations and time with your in laws until the day basically.

you can say no, and you’re well within your rights to- but you can’t stop them as asking you to reconsider, or reacting badly. It’s easy to go in angry and insist you’ll rise above it but it’ll be exhausting and emotionally draining.

id be tempted, as an earlier poster said, to simply delay the decision somehow in the hope something else changes.