To not invite BIL’s GF to wedding ceremony

[Tinywedding]

Looking for some advice as the suggestion of this has horrified my MIL and I’m not sure if this is a hill to die on or what could be a compromise. I’m particularly interested to hear from anyone who has also got married shortly after losing a parent and what kind of wedding you had.

Short version: Me and DP will be having a very small informal wedding this summer. Because I lost my dad recently and am still grieving I have said from the start that a traditional wedding without him would be too hard. Compromise is a tiny ceremony with our absolute closest family present (his mum and DB), our toddler, and my mum and grandmother, then (probably on a different day) an informal evening reception type thing with wider friends and family. BIL has a new GF who he has been with about 4 months. MIL is horrified at the plan for the GF to only be invited to the evening party and not the ceremony. Says she’s ‘family’. We haven’t told BIL yet but I suspect they will feel the same. They have gotten serious very quickly, meeting family, plans to live together, saying I love you, telling my toddler she’s her aunty within the first 2 months. But ultimately I have only met her 3 times, don’t know whether this will last and feel uncomfortable with her being at the super tiny ceremony and in all the photos.

Is this unreasonable?

For those who want more detail: she is nice, she’s made a huge effort with my toddler (Xmas gifts etc) and I have no issue with her. I just don’t really know her. They’re young, he’s 25 she’s 22. BIL has a track record of getting really serious with GFs very quickly, often moving in within weeks and she is the fourth GF that has followed this pattern. My DP and MIL seem to like this one best though. I feel terrible at upsetting people but ultimately it is my wedding. DP doesn’t mind either way and would prefer to have her there to keep BIL and MIL happy. I don’t know whether to just come up with totally different plans for the wedding now tbh but I have no idea what that would entail.

Why are we talking bigger weddings if it’s not relevant to the post?

anyway, putting that to the side I actually think it’s a bit pathetic for a grown adult to not be able to attend a wedding without a chaperone!! How do you cope with day to day life?

I’ve been to a few large weddings since my divorce, some I’ve been offered to bring a plus one, some I haven’t. In fact, there was one wedding where I declined the option to bring a plus 1 as it seemed a bit of an unnecessary expense to the bride & groom
when I was happy to attend on my own and socialise with other guests

I never understand the point about photos. Life is long and it’s about moments and experiences. If 2026 life included bils girlfriend but they split up 5 years later who cares? That’s the way it was in 2026. Things don’t get frozen in time

Exactly. Been to loads of weddings on my own and so has DH

I think Tiramisutoyou might be the MIL tbh

I also wouldn’t care about the photos and people splitting up in the future, but it is absolutely batshit crazy to suggest photoshopping someone out of a photo that you didn’t want there, in favour of just not inviting that person to the wedding in the first place

It seems highly unlikely they’re going to have a professional photographer with full list of family combinations to get through to form an album so who cares?

'We are having the ceremony with your closest relatives only. We will send out invites to others when we decide what we're doing to celebrate.'
I think this is what it boils down to, nobody has a plus one for the ceremony.You don't mention your grandmother bringing somone.
I disagree about worrying that you might offend a future sister in law. You can't tell the future, nor control her feelings ,maybe she will be offended, maybe not. It's not traditionally a close relationship. I'm closer to my husband's sister and my own brother's partner than to my BIL's partner.

It is for the two of you to decide who to invite.

I am sorry for the loss of your Dad. My Dad died about 6 months before my wedding . It gave my my Mum a purpose.We had a really traditional wedding. It helped that Dad's siblings came from around the world and were there for me. It was like getting a wee cuddle from my Dad. The second dance was one of my Dad's favourite songs. My relatives sang out with gusto. His siblings had arranged extra champagne and a toast to my Dad after the song He would have loved it.

Previously, I didn't get invited to family weddings or functions as we hadn't been together long. We met a Uni and got married 20 months later. I did think it unusual coming from a celtic background.
Both DBL had partners at these functions (been together a couple of years) neither lasted the course. SIL didn't think we would last and I wasn't invited to her wedding, 4 months, before our wedding. Although, I was invited to her 2nd wedding.

We have celebrated our 40th anniversary.

You do whatever makes you happy.
I wish you both a long and happy life together

I don’t know for sure that the GF would be angry and upset to not be included. After all we haven’t mentioned it to her of BIL yet and I don’t know her well!

But it’s what I’m expecting. there’s been a family holiday and also Christmas since they got together and both times plans have had to be rearranged to fit with her schedule to allow her to come, at significant inconvenience to us in relation to logistics with a small child, as MIL insisted and GF was apparently upset at the prospect of not being included included.

YANBU. Just keep repeating 'it's nothing personal, we are only inviting our 5 closes relatives. Our best friends/ uncles/ aunts/ cousins are also not invited.' Anyone who is offended not to be invited in those circumstances is very unreasonable.

We will have a photographer there at the ceremony. My photos are important to me and i want to have them to put up in the house and look back on.

So that’s another thing. It will feel awkward to keep one person out of lots of photos..

My SIL and BIL did this with my now other SIL, that was 32 years ago and it’s still a bit awkward between them.

They had a wedding with only 4 guests?

No. Any reasonable person wouldn't expect an invite to such an intimate ceremony! If you going for drinks after perhaps you could ask her to join you later but no. It's your day and I think mil should respect this. Don't back down and have regrets on such an emotive day for you. Good luck

Die on this hill.

I had a friend who made me feel bad for not giving him a plus one (he met someone after invites went out). I let him bring his BF who was quite extrovert and took over the dance floor. They broke up soon after. I was a bit miffed that I had felt bullied into it tbh, but the difference is the wedding was about 55 people, so it was OK. There are a fair few people in the photos no longer in our lives (including my DB who did five years after the wedding). Given it’s such a small wedding YANBU.

because someone brought it up and you keep going on

bully for you! So wonderful you are

many circumstances

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts.

I feel quite sure that having the GF there as a fifth guest is not an option. I would find it weird. It would change the dynamic. She’s very loud also (as is MIL) whereas me and my mum and grandma are very quiet. This already left my mum feeling pushed out at Xmas. I don’t want this happening at the wedding. It will already be a really really difficult day for me and my mum. I know we will both get upset. I’m just trying to work out a way of getting married that is least upsetting and feels the most comfortable for us.

So if DP thinks this would cause a serious / longstanding fallout with his family we need to have a rethink of the day.

I think the poster who said to phrase it as just the legal bit might be onto something… although I will be wearing a wedding dress. And I don’t want to call the party a ‘wedding’ as I think people would then have different expectations of what that’s gonna involve!

Finding this really stressful.

Don’t be so bloody rude!

later if she doesn’t want it - read the posts

To all those boasting they go to weddings alone - I can see why

Do calm down, so angry over people not agreeing with you. Why would anyone airbrush someone out of photos - imagine the BIL GF seeing them. More awkward than her not being invited at all!

OP decide the line you’re not willing to cross and have an honest conversation with DH about it. You should do what makes you both comfortable happy instead of being pressured by family, who should really just want you to be happy.

Again read the post - OP was worrying about photos if they split up

and again - don’t be rude

I’m not worried about disagreement - it’s you keep coming back like you want me to agree with you - which I don’t

lets leave it there

If she is nice can you send her a message directly explaining that she won’t be invited and that isn’t anything against her etc and explain the details. That mil is upset but you hope she understands. Explain about your dad and the want for a very intimate wedding. That you would love her company at the party. Hopefully she would understand and then mellow the mil and bil

Because they are normal, sociable, confident people, who understand that - even at a large wedding - the B&G have a limit on numbers ?

However, you are derailing the thread.

This thread is about the poor OP who has lost her father far too young and is trying to make her wedding (yes, of course it is a wedding) something that is not going to overwhelm her on the day. Her and her DP have decided they can best to this by only inviting the 4 people closest to them.
If, they wanted to invite 5, or 6, or 10 people, then they would invite the next person or people closest to them - likely to be a childhood friend or perhaps an Aunt or a cousin they grew up close to. Not a person - however nice she might be - that they have only met 3 times, and who has only been known to them for 4 months.

My sister got married 5 months after I started going out with my now-DH. We were getting serious but he was still pretty new and my sister lives in Ireland so didn't know him well. She similarly had a very small wedding. Direct family really but my brother's fiancée was invited. They'd been together a few years and obviously were engaged.

I didn't mind at all. I would have liked him there but totally understood why he wasn't. My DH was invited to the evening which was kind of her and he did fly over for it.

In your circumstances it's totally understandable.

I would leave this completely to your DP. It’s his brother and his family.

I have read the posts

I don’t agree that airbrushing her out of the photos is a reasonable or viable solution

I think if you’re not inviting your actual friends, then inviting her would feel weird