To not invite BIL’s GF to wedding ceremony

[Tinywedding]

Looking for some advice as the suggestion of this has horrified my MIL and I’m not sure if this is a hill to die on or what could be a compromise. I’m particularly interested to hear from anyone who has also got married shortly after losing a parent and what kind of wedding you had.

Short version: Me and DP will be having a very small informal wedding this summer. Because I lost my dad recently and am still grieving I have said from the start that a traditional wedding without him would be too hard. Compromise is a tiny ceremony with our absolute closest family present (his mum and DB), our toddler, and my mum and grandmother, then (probably on a different day) an informal evening reception type thing with wider friends and family. BIL has a new GF who he has been with about 4 months. MIL is horrified at the plan for the GF to only be invited to the evening party and not the ceremony. Says she’s ‘family’. We haven’t told BIL yet but I suspect they will feel the same. They have gotten serious very quickly, meeting family, plans to live together, saying I love you, telling my toddler she’s her aunty within the first 2 months. But ultimately I have only met her 3 times, don’t know whether this will last and feel uncomfortable with her being at the super tiny ceremony and in all the photos.

Is this unreasonable?

For those who want more detail: she is nice, she’s made a huge effort with my toddler (Xmas gifts etc) and I have no issue with her. I just don’t really know her. They’re young, he’s 25 she’s 22. BIL has a track record of getting really serious with GFs very quickly, often moving in within weeks and she is the fourth GF that has followed this pattern. My DP and MIL seem to like this one best though. I feel terrible at upsetting people but ultimately it is my wedding. DP doesn’t mind either way and would prefer to have her there to keep BIL and MIL happy. I don’t know whether to just come up with totally different plans for the wedding now tbh but I have no idea what that would entail.

Lots of people worried it’s going to affect our future relationship..

I think it would be really out of order for her to hold a grudge about this. But obviously that’s not something I can control. I think if she’s the kind to do that then we probably weren’t going to be close in the long run.

We actually have lots of close extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) who we see on a monthly basis and friends of 30+ years who’ve been there for us through thick and thin and they’re not even invited to the ceremony. And as far as I’m aware none of them are going to fall out with us, they’ve just been understanding.

Sorry for the loss of your dear dad.

you said that "DP doesn’t mind either way and would prefer to have her there to keep BIL and MIL happy."

Sorry but your DP needs to stop pretending he doesn't mind either way. That phrase is utterly meaningless,
He'd prefer to keep BIL and MIL happy and they'd all prefer that you ignore your own feelings and give in and invite the GF.

He should be more concerned about keeping you happy and supporting you in explaining to his family why. They won't if he keeps trying to be the Good Guy and saying "Oh well I don't mind either way, its OP who is insisting."

He needs to support you. Especially when you are thinking of re organising your entire wedding to cope with this situation and it is very clear exactly why you don't want someone you don't know there. You are not being petty, you have a good reason for it... and its not because you dislike or want to upset anyone.

It's not a dinner dance type of wedding which is where the whole Plus One idea comes into its own, so that people don't have to attend without their partner.

Its a wedding with 5 guests who are actual relatives. Its so small and intimate for a reason, which is that you will be very sad not to have your Dear Dad there.
It must be very hard to have to keep repeating that to people who don't want to listen... that is why your DH should step up and put his foot down. He needs to say this directly to the GF and BIL so that they understand.

You've said the GF is very welcome to the other reception.. which she would probably be more comfortable at anyway.

His relatives have to decide if they care more about your feelings, or about their own wishes.

Do you know how quick registry office marriages are? They are nothing wow

I do think as poster here has said there is more to this - you are fixated on her not being a person who has known you all your life and even thought of changing what you would do - and it’s making you feel really bad

your DH doesn’t mind and it’s his family - be careful what you wish for - you could up not having such a great day fixating on this one thing - are you sure it’s not because your disapproving of bil many partners?

she can be airbrushed out of photos - gosh everyone has people in their photos they never see anymore

I would understand more if this were a church wedding

I really don’t think this is a hill to die on

Yes I was referring to my example. What’s odder going on your own to your brothers wedding or throwing a tantrum and threatening not to come unless you were not allowed to bring a woman who the bride had never met with you?

Anyway, don’t want to derail with my story!

Not at all - just think yours sounds harsh - it’s you that keeps coming back

she’s met her 3 times and says she is great with her toddler

I really don’t get all this not inviting partners - the threads are full of it - or people who are partners you haven’t met - isn’t that the point

They haven’t offered to pay for her…
but if it’s literally just the ceremony then the cost wouldn’t go up. It’s not about the cost though.

Snub is such a horrible word. I really don’t want to think of having a small wedding as ‘snubbing’ everyone we know outside of my mum and grandma, and BIL and MIL.

MiL should keep her mouth shut. 🙄
Kind of shows you her level of support.

What does your DH to be say about it OP? Surely given it’s his side of the ‘family’ he should be allowed to decide.

Could you rethink and do the ceremony with a couple of witnesses off the street, and then invite her to the party with family and friends? If it bothers you it bothers you; you don’t want to spend your wedding day feeling weird, and it’s all very well for your DP to say he doesn’t mind, but he’s not the one who’s grieving.

We tried that - your not allowed to do that anymore

Or tell his mum to shut it. 🤔

Why should he? It isn’t just her day. Weddings are a compromise and if he wants someone invited then he should.

I agree with this

Ah, OK. Work colleagues, then. Or go to Gretna.

Don’t invite her, trust your gut, we’re on the 2nd divorce of BIL in the past 4 years and each there both in pictures of special days and all sorts it’s so frustrating. My kids calling them aunt etc

If your DH agrees with you, then don’t invite her. Tell your MIL that the alternative is that she herself isn’t invited, so it’s up to her what she wants to do but you’re having 4 guests & that’s it.

Sorry for the loss of your dad & sorry this is casting a shadow over your day.

Yes, but.
Women typically have long-held ideas of their dads walking them down the aisle. OP 's dad has died recently. Sounds like OP is apprehensive and wants only her closest around her; maybe in case she becones very emotional. Completely understandable.

There is no aisle for a group of 5 - it will be like an office

but yes OP will be missing her dad

Absolutely understandable and that why it sounds like she is having the wedding she wants given the circumstances but her DH should still be allowed to invite who he feels should be there. It’s not like it’s a random person from golf who she has never met or didn’t even know existed

This. Decision made. You just want the four closest adults in your life to you, plus your child. No more discussion. End of.

People are so hostile. Assuming a normal, non abusive family, who tells their fiancé's mum to 'shut it' because they've dared to have/express an opinion and are trying to maintain smooth relationships between their dc? If my fiancé had spoken like that to my mum, there would be no wedding!
Bonkers 'advice'!

Your wedding = YANBU.
“MIL, it’s our wedding and these are the only people we want to be there for the ceremony. We are not discussing it any further.”

But she isn't close to the girlfriend. I get that she doesn't want her at the ceremony.
(Who wouldn't rather be at the party anyway?) 😁

She should still extend the invite. If the tablets were turned and it was BIL and SIL getting married how would the OP feel? One person really isn’t going to make a huge difference in the grand scheme of things

Yes I’m sorry op but I agree

I really don’t get all this no partner if I don’t know them enough - it’s a bad way to go