To not invite BIL’s GF to wedding ceremony

[Tinywedding]

Looking for some advice as the suggestion of this has horrified my MIL and I’m not sure if this is a hill to die on or what could be a compromise. I’m particularly interested to hear from anyone who has also got married shortly after losing a parent and what kind of wedding you had.

Short version: Me and DP will be having a very small informal wedding this summer. Because I lost my dad recently and am still grieving I have said from the start that a traditional wedding without him would be too hard. Compromise is a tiny ceremony with our absolute closest family present (his mum and DB), our toddler, and my mum and grandmother, then (probably on a different day) an informal evening reception type thing with wider friends and family. BIL has a new GF who he has been with about 4 months. MIL is horrified at the plan for the GF to only be invited to the evening party and not the ceremony. Says she’s ‘family’. We haven’t told BIL yet but I suspect they will feel the same. They have gotten serious very quickly, meeting family, plans to live together, saying I love you, telling my toddler she’s her aunty within the first 2 months. But ultimately I have only met her 3 times, don’t know whether this will last and feel uncomfortable with her being at the super tiny ceremony and in all the photos.

Is this unreasonable?

For those who want more detail: she is nice, she’s made a huge effort with my toddler (Xmas gifts etc) and I have no issue with her. I just don’t really know her. They’re young, he’s 25 she’s 22. BIL has a track record of getting really serious with GFs very quickly, often moving in within weeks and she is the fourth GF that has followed this pattern. My DP and MIL seem to like this one best though. I feel terrible at upsetting people but ultimately it is my wedding. DP doesn’t mind either way and would prefer to have her there to keep BIL and MIL happy. I don’t know whether to just come up with totally different plans for the wedding now tbh but I have no idea what that would entail.

We had a very small wedding, no partners were invited, DH's sisters had been with their partners longer than we had been together. Nobody questioned our decision.

My god, people on here are so dramatic about weddings. I totally agree with you Op. I’m sure you’ve got close friends between you you’re not inviting. If they’re not coming, no way would I be inviting a new girlfriend. Stick to your plans, it’s YOUR day. I really couldn’t get wound up by not being invited to a wedding.

No don’t invite her it’s your close family circle only. She’s not part of that. Enjoy your special day.

Err…it’s also her wedding….

I wouldn't invite her. They haven't been in a relationship long and you don't even have a relationship with her/ know her very well. I especially, wouldn't want her in my tiny, intimate wedding photos. And to those saying what is she is the one?! Then, that's great! But I'm sure she'll understand why she wasn't invited to the wedding at the beginning of her relationship and her place in the family will develop with time. And if she holds a grudge, then that would be weird.

Don't invite her. Remind your MIL it's your wedding for your CLOSE family members.

Your MIL is mental. It’s a ceremony with two guests from each side, that is it. Stick to your guns OP, especially given the fact that part of your decision making is due to bereavement.

Having read your update about Christmas and Holidays OP, and how you and your DM will be feeling on the day without your Dear Dad.

So if DP thinks this would cause a serious / longstanding fallout with his family we need to have a rethink of the day.

He should be more worried about it causing a serious fall out with YOU. Since it will be hard not to resent in the future them taking control of such a small and initmate day and imposing their wishes on it. Its not like you were having a huge bash and making outrageous demands.
They have already taken control of Christmas and holidays at "considerable inconvenience" to you both. Now its the wedding. And every time it is at the threat of - if you don't do what they want - it will cause a family fall out.

Im sorry but it is your DP who needs a rethink. He needs to stop letting his "loud" family insist that their wishes are paramount. You have a child and you are building your own lives.

You need to explain to him that by constantly giving in to them, not being allowed to make your own decisions and have them respected that a family fall out is certainly in your futures. Neither of you sound like wilful, selfish or inconsiderate people so its not like your would make unreasonable decisions.

He needs to stand up for you because I can tell from your post that you are still brimming with grief for your dad and whilst we can cope with this kind of thing on a day to day basis - this is a key occasion which brings it all to the fore and you are clearly worried about your DM. I can appreciate that this is something that is difficult to debate when you feel like this with loud insistent people who don't listen.
Prior to this your DP's contribution has been to state that he "doesn't mind either way"... which is as weak as water and really is stepping back from all responsibility, almost saying that its not up to him but up to you. Allowing them to continue to push you, leaving it to you to manage his relatives with no input from him.. .so he can continue to be the good guy. I recognise this.

It is now up to DP to step up and present your case in a way that makes them stop imposing their will on you, on your DM and on your wedding in general.

It very much is up to him. Its not clear if your BIL and GF even know yet. So it appears to be MIL led. He needs to tell her to stop. Talk directly face to face to his brother and potentially GF when he invites them as a couple to the evening do, with all your closest friends etc. Emphasise that is the real celebration. He could have squashed this firmly by telling them - its all arranged and this is how WE are doing in. He is marrying you. Not his relatives.

Your DP needs to recognise how much stress this is causing you on top of your grief and how it is ruining the run up to your wedding which should be joyful occasion with your very nearest relatives happy for you both. Instead of this.

Why can't DH's relatives have a grain of consideration? The real celebration will be at your party. You've offered a very reasonable alternative.

I saw a pp earlier suggesting re naming the description of the two events on the invitations.Which I think is a very good idea. eg a party to celebrate DP and OP. or similar.
Wishing you both all the best x

OP I appreciate that your are finding this stressful but are you genuinely prepared to change the fundamental details of your wedding day to suit this perfect stranger?! Absolutely not, and if your partner is not able to stand up for you at this point and put mummy in her place then I’d be rethinking the whole marriage to be honest. This is such a small issue that should have been nipped in the bud by him straightaway.

The fact that this woman has, within 4 months, caused all this aggro (forcing you all to change Christmas plans) and is now trying to sabotage your wedding day is ludicrous! She is nothing to you at this stage, and if you let her change your entire wedding day and she ends up being a member of the family then this sets a ridiculous precedent for the future.

I'm sorry about your dad. I lost mine fairly recently and it changes your perspective on this kind of thing.

I honestly think that with such a small number of guests it should hardly be considered uneasonable to not invite someone who is not close family. And you clearly do not want her there which is really important as it is your wedding.

But, on the other hand, it is also your DP's wedding and you are putting him in a difficult position. When he says he doesn't mind but he'd rather she was there he is saying he'd rather she was there. He probably doesn't want to upset your or his family. And it doesn't really help if he gets off the fence because then he'd probably admit he wants her to come.

If you decide that you are going ahead and she won't be invited, then I would approach them and explain. Tell them you are having such a tiny wedding because you are still grieving and that it is not personal. At least see how they react. It may be that they take it well and you can just get on with things without worrying.

Thank you all.

In defence of DP, BIL and MIL, they are all really lovely people and DP is a wonderful partner. I think when he says he doesn’t mind it’s because he’s been more excited about the big party with everyone. That’s closer to his dream for his wedding and the bigger deal for him. He does understand though and is going to speak to everyone. We’ll see how that goes.

DP has this habit though of when things are pushed by his family that are going to be an absolute ballache for us (usually logistical reasons with a baby) and I point this out he says it’ll not be that bad. Then the day / trip / visit comes and it is a massive hassle as I knew it would be and he’ll say unprompted “Ok you had a point, this has been too much. We know for next time.” But I don’t want to take that approach with our wedding!

And MIL’s upset comes from a place of caring for the GF and wanting her to feel welcome. She was also really welcoming to me when we first got together - although there was no tiny family wedding!

Can you explain to your DP and MIL that you have many other family (cousins? Aunts and uncles) and close friends you've known/ have supported you for decades who you would love to include if you were inviting more people. How upset would they be if they hear that this random GF was invited above them?

OP, I'm sorry to hear about your dad.

I can't believe anyone should think they're entitled to attend such an intimate wedding. Especially for the reason why you're having by such a small ceremony. If it was me, as soon as I found out none of your friends or extended family were going I would be mortified to think you felt forced to have me there.

It's literally immediate family. She's not that yet.

Fwiw I was the girlfriend in this situation, but everyone welcomed me with open arms. We've now been together 15 years, which is much longer than their marriage lasted (sorry, that's not a snarky dig at them or you just a factual point to underline that photos are a snapshot in time and you can't base a whole wedding around who might break up. You can always crop and airbrush.

On the point of marriage after death after losing a parent, I did exactly that. A quick, private legal wedding. Didn't tell anyone. 10 years on, I'm in a much healthier place mentally and think I'd love a celebration party one day to mark the anniversary rather than manage the situation amongst grief.

I have no idea why you'd have her there. I have a series of family photos with random exes of my parents (they divorced when I was a teenager so had a variety of partners around when I graduated, got married, etc). After the 2nd round of photos with an ex of my dad's, I didn't let him bring anyone to my wedding and I had over 100 people there (and he paid!). He totally understood the point.

In this specific situation I think it would be bizarre to have a girlfriend there. You need support and love on the day as you are already finding it difficult, and part of that is being surrounded by people who will make things easier.

Honestly at this point I'd just elope and have a big party when or if you're ready but I wouldn't have any patience for this drama. You've been super clear and inclusive of immediate family and are still getting push back so I'd be done now.

I think it helps if you phrase it as, "We're having a tiny wedding; just 2 guests each". I would also have a chat with the GF and explain it to her so she knows it's not personal.

OP. I'm sure they are lovely people really, but they need to know that your DH supports you on this, that its not just you insisting and he doesn't really agree. They need to understand how sensitive the situation is and how much it's upsetting you at a difficult time and that he wants them to stop kicking off about it or complaining about it or referring to it and just accept that is the way its going to be. He needs to emphasise that the GF is very welcome with all your other friends at the celebration party. They have to believe that he means it and You should'nt have to do this on your own.

Its the difference between saying I'd prefer it if... and Im sorry, but that's not happening. Which, over the course of your marriage and particularly if you have children, both types of the above will occur. People tend to accept it when they see there's no room for pushback ( like being asked to host when you are ill and 6 days from your due date)

He's getting his big party. So are his family. That's been agreed. The way you both planned it was a good compromise for both.

You deserve to have the small wedding you want with just two guests and you deserve to know that the people attending fully understand and support that and are pleased for you.

You don't deserve to have a potential family fall out (however unstated) hanging over you at a time when you and your DM are still dealing with your DFs passing.

Is BIL the golden child? Must have everything going his way?

Does your partner want a tiny wedding?

Surely the simple answer is that you have 2 guests and dp has two guests plus dd. Is MIL offering to give up her space for the GF?????

The only risk is that the BIL might do something else with his girlfriend than go to the wedding. Lots of people find the faff of a wedding unappealing and with a better offer will do that especially if there is another celebration on another day. If that’s ok with you I wouldn’t worry. I expect your partner’s mother already thinks this is what is likely to happen.

It's not hard at all.
We're talking about a ceremony in a registry office. These are normally situated in towns and cities where there is plenty of public transport and parking.
The brother is (as far as we know) able-bodied, in his 20s and perfectly capable of travelling to the wedding without assistance. He hasn't recently lost a parent, or been through any major trauma, had to deal with a difficult divorce, or anything else that could possibly make it 'hard' for him to show up -with his mother?- for a 20 minute ceremony.

You are not being unreasonable.

It would be a no for me too. Stand your ground.

Ooh. Honestly? I'd have just invited the two mums as witnesses for the "legal bit". Then done lunch or something with the brother, grandma, girlfriend. I went to a wedding a few years ago like this. DH was one witness/best man then about 8 of us had lunch.

I think the argument that if you invite her then other close friends who you have known for longer would feel left out is a very good one. Before you know it you would end up with a much larger event which is not what you want.

Can you get together with BIL and his GF without the MIL there and explain the situation?

It's such a small wedding that I think you're totally within your rights not to have her there.

I think you should explain it to her that you're having immediate family only, because it'll be tough without your Dad.

Once you've explained it to her, you can tell your MIL that there isn't an issue, as girlfriend understands why she's not invited. MIL is out of line to push this with you.

Condolences on the loss of your Dad, I totally understand why you want a very small wedding.