How are Grammar schools so much better than comprehensives if they get the same funding?

[Karma1387]

Me and my partner are in a situation where we are looking to relocate in order to move to a Grammar school area. This is going to involve us both having to find new jobs and coordinate a house move at the same time.

Some of my family disagree with our decision to move for the sake of grammar school and don't see how they can be better than a normal comprehensive school.

I am hoping some people on here will have some knowledge on how grammar schools achieve so much better than comprehensives?

Also anyone with experience with grammar schools they could share? From what I have read the class sizes aren't much different to comprehensives and they get the same funding. Is it literally just a case of because they do the 11+ they tend to only take on the more academically inclined kids. Does this translate to less bad behaviour etc compared to comprehensive schools?

The move is going to be stressful with us both trying to find new jobs plus moving further away from both our families I want it to be worth it! Our local comprehensive is awful for results and we want to give the kids the best opportunities.

Personally I would rather homeschool and fully keep them out of the school system but my partner is very against this and is determined we need to move to a grammar school area so any advise to aid our discussion would be amazing!

Are we being unreasonable to relocate for the possibility of grammar school?

What about lifts to a party? A club they go to?

What about a parent picking up your child from school for a play date?

All perfectly normal.

Are there no mitigations you would feel were at the lower end of risk? I’m not sure I’ve ever come across such a high level of mistrust of people. What are you afraid might happen if one of your son’s friends mums invited him out for tea at a cafe with them (you wouldn’t be invited)? Wouldn’t the risk of him becoming socially isolated and the health and emotional impact that tha can have, be a graver risk than the tiny chance of something happening to him while in another family’s care?

I think it took me a lot by surprise when people said from an early age they don't release directly from the classroom.

I think if you expect things to be done a certain way and then get told its different its normal to find that makes you a bit anxious.

Really very little of this is normal.

I order online and partner works in a shop so I have a very very rare need to go to shops.

Just because I have no interest in making friends doesn't mean I think having friends is 'wrong'. Other people like having friends so therefore it isn't wrong its just their choice.

It’s really not though. Your eldest is two- it is not normal to already be worried about security arrangements at school. I mean it kindly- get help OP. Move if you need to and then try to concentrate on yourself and building your life socially, and your life, and with it the life of your children, will improve no end.

maybe start small- try to have a conversation with someone in real life today. Public transport, toddler group, even in a shop. Or maybe a social prescriber at your local GP can help you. Please take steps now to stop your children having the same isolated life that you do.

I'm not overly comfortable with my own dad or mother driving my son anywhere (although I do allow it) there is no way unless I knew someone very very well I would be letting them pick up or drive my child anywhere especially whilst young.

Not things I would do especially at a young age unless I knew the person very well.

Will you be encouraging your children to make friends?

So you don’t know if your children are even academic and you’re thinking of moving just in case they are? Grammar schools are incredibly competitive. I live in Trafford and last year over 5000 took it. Lot of kids from outside the area who will move if they pass. Still get bad behaviour and bullying etc unfortunately but the results are better as they cherry pick the most academic kids. Saying that though my good friend is head teacher at one and she’s said the amount of kids having to have tutors continuing on after “passing” the 11 plus is increasing dramatically as so many kids are being tutored to pass and might not actually be in the right school for them.

Other people especially ones I don't know would not be driving my young children anywhere. You have no idea how they drive, if they will follow how you prefer to do carseat safety and unless you know the parent weell you have no idea who they are or what they are like.

So no I wouldn't risk my kids being left alone with someone who I barely knew.

Define ‘young age’.
And how are you ever going to get to know people well if you refuse to make friends?

I really have no interest in chatting with random strangers or making friends. My social interactions today will be pleasantries with the midwife and that will do me nicely.

I don't agree in the slightest you need friends in your life. If you want them and it makes you sad not to have them then sure go for it but if you are someone like me who hates the idea of having friends and having to talk with other people then I don't see an issue with that.

And yes I have had an abundance of therapy and medication for my anxiety and dislike for friendships.

Fine- you do you- but to not actively try to avoid your children living this friendless life is unhealthy and selfish in the extreme. Please tread very carefully and please do not homeschool.

I won't be discouraging him from having friends. If whilst at school he makes friends I will be enthusistic about it and if he wants to go to a playdate with me with him (until a certain age) then I will put on my best smile and attempt to make small talk with the parent.

I will never prevent him from making friends but I also won't allow things ai personally don't feel are safe like allowing play dates at a young age without me there or allowing another parent to drive him.

@Karma1387 I think you need to review how you parent. Your poor child!

Young age for me to allow a stranger to drive them somewhere or take them out on their own probably post primary.

If I had met the parent and we has a couple of playdates together I probably wouldn't mind dropping them off for playdates once I was comfortable but I wont let anyone I am not very veey comfortable with drive them until they are in a high backed booster and only if I fully trust the parent to use it.

I have no intention of stopping my kids from having friends. If they want playdates I have to be civil to the parents and have a bit of small talk. No obligation to be 'friends'

I grew up with parents with this view, we had an incredibly isolated and lonely childhood, it also meant our parents completely failed in modelling positive relationships. On top of that you seem to be planning to isolate your children further by homeschooling, have you just had them as something for you to do, rather than actually valuing them as people with their own needs and desires?

I think you need to acknowledge that your idea of safety is quite extreme.
I agree with a previous post that homeschooling would be a very selfish choice and isolating for your children. It sounds like you actively avoid socialising so they will need school to be able to develop those skills and to make wider friendships.

Considering I have a confident child who is praised by nursery for how lovely and affectionate he is to other kids I don't think there is anything wrong with my parenting.

I won't ever dicourage my child from doing things or making friends. But I will be doing everything I can to keep him safe and if that makes me a bad parent then so be it.

What if they walk to the cafe?

What if your son wants to join a club that clashes with your other child’s needs? Simon’s mum can take him and bring him home, or you have to ban him. He doesn’t understand why you won’t trust Simon’s mum, he ends up worried about everyone OR he rebels and the moment he’s big enough he break out and does all the things he’s never experienced without your blessing and against your wishes.

Seriously, please do consider your children’s own well-being and social, emotional, and mental health. Normal social interactions are vital and a healthy part of child development.

i wonder if instead of imposing limits around your kids due to your own fears on every person you meet, you would do better to read some books on child development, so that you can work out how best to meet their needs. Their needs are going to be very different to yours.

Considering I had intended to return to my job before my son was born no I didn't have them as 'something to do'

If I made friends I wouldn't be modelling 'positive relationships' I would be modelling fake relationships which make their mum extremely uncomfortable and teaching them that you have to force yourself to have friends and be around people even if it makes you unhappy because otherwise society considers you to be a 'bad parent'

Post primary!!!! That’s ridiculous.
My DS is in the last year of primary and he goes out on his own!

Post primary is secondary school. They’ll be walking/catching the bus on their own by that stage and won’t be needing lifts for ‘playdates’. They’ll just be going out on their own.