DH and family left me alone in a restaurant

[TemporaryWombat]

This didn’t happen recently but it still bugs me! Went out for a meal for MIL birthday, I was 8 months pregnant and at the end of the meal FIL paid the bill - I stood up and told DH I was going to the toilet, went (I wasn’t long) came back and everyone had buggered off! I was stood there embarrassed asking the waiters where everyone was. I went to the car park and wandered around in the dark trying to find DH car.

AIBU or is it really inconsiderate to just leave? DH sees no fault and said the meal was over and it was obvious we were all leaving. It felt very crappy and definitely not something I would do or my family.

What were you frightened of? Being pregnant doesn’t mean you always have to have someone with you. Meeting outside, after loo breaks, is normal,🤷‍♀️

I am genuinely worried by the amount of people who don’t see the problem 🤯 what sort of world do we live in?

It’s really inconsiderate to just disappear. If there was a conversation before she went to the toilet saying “we’re going to settle up, I’ll see you at the car” then fine. That didn’t happen.

If they HAD to leave the restaurant (and it really doesn’t sound like they did) then someone should’ve popped into the ladies shouted her name and let her know they were going to the car. At the VERY least the OP’s partner should have sent a text message. Why they wouldn’t simply wait to escort a pregnant woman across a dark car park, beggars belief though?

It’s shocking how many people don’t understand how unforgivably rude that is. I mean so many questions, did the rest of the group gather up OP’s personal possessions and take them with them, or did they just leave them unattended at the table? Was everyone just sat in the car waiting for OP as if she was a mind reader and knew where they had gone? Nobody thought to send a WhatsApp message?

I’m bias because I had this happen once at a really big busy pub with a bit of the family I no longer speak to. I went to the loo, there was a queue so it took a few minutes and came back to find strangers sitting at our table. Thankfully they were a nice family who were about to give my coat, bag and phone to the bar staff- although my drink had gone. Couldn’t see my group, so I stood at the bar for a bit and sent a message but no reply. Thankfully food had been paid for upfront (like a spoons) I was really p-off but as I was designated driver I was able to walk back to the car and go home. 3 hours later (!) when they were ready to go home my group finally noticed I wasn’t there and called me. They’d all gone out to the beer garden for ‘a fag’ and ended up staying out there getting more and more drunk. They hadn’t noticed I was missing until the pub threw them out at closing and they wanted to go home. Told them to get a taxi and I’ve barely spoken to any of them from that day to this.

Why were you wandering around in the dark trying to find the car? Did you not arrive in the car, should you not have known where it was? Also why did you ask the waiters where everyone was, how would they know? Presumably it was obvious they were outside?
I can’t work out if your MIL/ other family members didn’t say goodbye to you, by the time you’d got outside had they already gone? Or were they waiting around outside? If they’d completely left and not said bye, I do think that’s weird,

How long ago was this? You are going to have to choose to get over it and stop punishing yourself.

the bill had already been paid and your meal had ended the polite thing to do is to leave the table so it can either be used for another set of diners or to allow the staff to prepare for the next day.

Agree with this. Even if someone isn’t pregnant out of courtesy someone should’ve waited for the last person to come out of the loo. Or say, I’ll bring the car round for you or at least for you to not be looking for everyone. I hope when baby is born they don’t do that. Just crap imo

I’m slightly amused at the notion of op stumbling blindly around in the dark looking for the car she’d actually arrived in.
If her dh could find it, she surely had a clue where to start looking?
A restaurant car park isn’t going to house that many cars.

Oh dear, did you not arrive in the car? Therefore knowing where the car was parked?

I doubt the car park is that big that you were stumbling around for days looking for the car 😂

Ah - is that why it's taken this long to make a post? You've just got home from that night out?

I’m fairly confident my DH would wait for me either inside the restaurant or at the door outside I’d everybody was leaving, especially if I was pregnant and it was dark, I’d be a bit put out agree but probably not enough to dwell on it unless there is a backstory here. I’m also confident my MIL would want to say goodbye so yes a bit odd. Maybe in days of his parents being a bit more frail he would have had to get them quickly to their car also.

How far away was DH car parked? If it was more or less in sight/round the corner YABU

If it was in a car park ten minutes walk away, YANBU

True but I bet they wouldn't all walk out and go to their cars if mil went to the loo. Its always not a deal to others when it doesn't get done to them is what I usually find with this types of ppl.

Don't understand...if they driven off yanbu. If they want to the car to wait for you as they have paid..yabu. It's very normal to leave straight after paying and those who popped up the toilet to just go outside to meet the rest of their party

I would have waited for my wife, probably by the door but inside the restaurant then walked her to the car. It is only good manners or etiquette not to leave people alone.

I guess another way to read this is now I see how many mumsnetters are willing to treat other women this way, including heavily pregnant and therefore potentially more vulnerable or fragile feeling. I wouldn't have done this in a pig's fit, not to a colleague, acquaintance, or friend, never mind to my loved ones. Manners take so little effort but boy do they make other people feel cared for.

This happend to me. They just vanished, nowhere to be seen. Even they didn't know how it happened 😂

If being pregnant renders you unable to walk across a car park unaccompanied you are within your rights to object, otherwise you are being very unreasonable.

Agree.
My circle wouldn't dream of behaving like this, but MN is often a parallel universe of poor behaviour.
It is extraordinary the lengths that posters will go to defending such manner less treatment of a heavily pregnant woman.

This is a real non-issue, unless your partner drove/walked/got public transport home without you - that WOULD be shit.

But if all they did is leave the building, and he waited out there in the carpark for you, it really is no big deal. If you are still holding on to this from months ago, I wonder if this is the tip of the iceberg and there are other things he/his family have done that have made you feel uncomfortable?

Because, even if slightly annoying, this isn't usually the sort of thing that would stick in one's mind, I don't think.

Presumably at 8 months pregnant you’re an adult? I wouldn’t give it a second thought, they left you in a restaurant whilst they waited outside , hardly abandoned in a war zone were you

This is an interesting read as it seems that half seems absolutely no problem and half would be mortified by the rudeness. I would personally have been peed off unless when I was going my husband made a point out of saying I'll meet you in the car park. I would be like. Weird family dynamics but ok. Especially as part of a larger gathering, it's polite to wait for everyone to be there and then return to take proper leave of the situation. It's what I was taught as a child and to do otherwise would be incredibly rude, it's now ingrained in me and I am teaching this to my children as part of social soft skills. I think the conversation just needs to be had quietly to please not do that again, I found it rude and distasteful to husband. If he says it isn't a problem, agree that while it is a norm in his family, it isn't in yours and that doing so would be considered disrespectful to the person left. The time may have gone now for that though. The other thing I might do, although it is fairly passive aggressive (and I would have usually addressed it directly at the time) is to wait until a family member is talking about food recommendations or some other pretense to bring up the restaurant as a nice restaurant for whatever reason and go to husband- do you remember thats the restaurant that you left me high and dry in the restaurant wondering where you had gone. Creates a little moment to make future expectations known and that you haven't forgotten. Like I said passive aggressive. But if you lost the moment when it happened and you are still stewing, holds a space for you to get it out without being like... Remember 6 months ago. I'm still effing furious about it!!!

OP I can't believe all the responses telling you this is completely normal behaviour because it's not. If everyone was seated at the table chatting when you went to the loo the polite thing would be to wait for you to get back to say goodbye. If people were standing up and getting their jackets on you could have said goodbye before you went and arranged with DH where to meet him, but it sounds like everyone was still settled, despite the bill being paid for in which case it was rude for them to leave without saying goodbye to you.

I don't understand how the vote is SO different from all the pages of comments.

Not everyone who votes leaves a comment.

This is an interesting read as it seems that half seems absolutely no problem and half would be mortified by the rudeness

I think there's a middle ground too which I am in. I think it's normal to wait and mildly rude not to. But I absolutely wouldn't be furious about it or angry about it much later, it would have been a quick "hey where did you guys go?" for me.

I realise it might have been unavoidable as pregnant but I also think it's mildly rude to disappear for a lengthy toilet trip when you know everyone else is ready to go, I would have gone a bit earlier when they had got the bill.

Unless she was in there for longer than she thought, they waited, wanted to get off and said say bye for us as they just sat there waiting and he said I will walk you out and wait in the Car. I suspect that’s what happened, she was in there much longer than she thought and I also suspect her husband told her that.

There's any number of reasons why.
It may not have been a pub style car park.

It could have be a restaurant in a city centre, or somewhere where parking is often very limited and DH might have had to drop her at the restaurant and park further away... or even in a multi storey. That's where I would have to park to visit restaurants near me.

She might not have been paying attention to exactly where he parked as she'd assume they'd be going back to the car together.

She could have arrived in daylight and not been certain of exactly where he'd parked as it was dark.

I know that if I had an 8 months heavily pregnant family member who had been in the bathroom for a while and the group wanted to go, I would have checked in on her before I left to make sure she was OK. The DH above all should have out of courtesy waited, since he was going to have to wait in the car anyway. So I don't think OP was BU to feel fed up with him.

Moving on.
OP. I'm not sure how long ago this happened but it clearly made you feel unhappy at the time to find they'd all left without you.
Have you spoken to your DH about it?
How do you feel about it now?
Do you see it as something that could be solved by saying don't you dare walk off without me again... and that would be accepted, or do you feel its lack of consideration in general... which is more troubling.
Have things been the same since or was this a one off?
Is there anyone else you trust who you could talk to?
What advice could we give to help you move forwards from this?