Very confused by what dh said

[Loopthepam]

Please help shed some light onto this situation because I am utterly at a loss and my head is hurting from trying to understand dh.

Me and DH have been having problems for a while now, mainly revolving around situations that are caused by his lack of consideration or thoughtfulness towards me. Yesterday was the final straw for me, when he passed me over a naff card and nothing else after I had planned a lovely birthday this year and a valentine's gift that wasn't big at all (under ten pounds) but had thought, meaning and love into it. He claimed he had ordered flowers that never got delivered. That was that. There was no incentive to go 5 minutes down the road to get me some flowers, or a small bar of chocolate. Just anything really. The rest of our day was spent arguing with so much tears on my end. After nearly a decade together and DC I'm just over feeling undervalued.

Today me and DH had another conversation following on from yesterday, where he claimed he just "doesn't have the skill set to be thoughtful" he said unlike me who it comes naturally too, he just genuinely lacks the ability and his head is always full of other things that aren't a priority (mostly work). He said he struggles to think of others and never has done (I've heard this ten years ago and thought with time it would improve) it is actually baffling to me.

Here's what I don't get. Because I love DH, doing things for him and thinking of him isn't something I need to master, it just happens. I assumed if you love someone it was part of the package deal to just want to put them first. Dh, no matter how many times he says he will work on this, never seems to be able to. It's like he is almost slightly sociopathic because how can you just have a massive absence of thought towards someone you supposedly love.

He says he loves me and still does, that it is nothing personal and something he has always struggled with. Dh has lead a very selfish lifestyle before me, partying, drinking, no dependants, no worries, parents covered everything, no financial obligations. Could it be true that he loves me but actually does just struggle to consider me? I always thought it was one and the same but maybe it's my bad for generalising and putting that on him. He isn't me and maybe he does love in his own way, or am I being gaslight majorly hard here?!

I'm very much a "if they wanted to, they would"

I understand it's not a priority for him but he knows it's important to you so should make the effort.
Sorry he's so shit, you need to have a serious conversation with him about your feelings.

Does he have other faults? It's not uncommon for men to show their love through other acts of service. Is he generally inconsiderate? Is he troubled by your upset? What else is going on

My exhusband was like this. He never changed. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

I think it can be true that different people have had different experiences so their default is to do things differently (eg my husband never wants to get our kids things from the gift shop when we have a day out as his parents never got him things from the gift shop, whereas I enjoy getting them something).

However if he's claiming this side of things doesn't come naturally but he can see it's important to you, he needs to be stepping up. It's not good enough to just shrug and say it's not his thing

I often think of Esther Perel who says that love is a verb - it’s not something that just happens, it takes work.

we also often hear about weaponised incompetence, which is what your husband also makes me think of.

what ways does he show you he loves you? Does he have another love language that resonates with you?

back to Esther perel - it seems he’s not done the work over the last decade to love you in the way you want to be loved.

He is just very selfish, the lack of thoughtfulness causes this I guess.

Examples are :

making a big career decision without my agreement

Selfish in the bedroom, doesn't think of me in the moment and has got ahead of himself and done things I didn't want for his own satisfaction

Relying on me and taking from me but never really offering anything back

I've asked him for more effort in the date and communication department and expressed how much this means to me but he hardly ever tries

Sorry to hear that your husband isn't listening to what you are asking for. Is it possible that you are not very compatible? Some people (like me) just aren't really into Valentine's or other occasions. I don't bother and neither does my husband; it doesn't make me feel less valued. However, if you have made it clear that this means a lot to you then it is thoughtless that he doesn't make the effort. If it was me though, if he was a lovely person in all other ways, I'd probably let this slide, if he wasn't then I wouldn't. Ultimately gifts are just tokens, but if the genuine day-to-day is brilliant, for me that would be more important.

Could it be true really comes down to how much you want to believe it.

He simply hasn't allocated 2 minutes to think about it. Anyone can come up with anything in 2 mins. Look how quickly he came up with the flowers lie! Could have thought of that a week ago and bought the flowers, couldn't he?

Now that I've seen your update, you are definitely NBU

He sounds like a bell end. I’m sorry xx if you’ve shared how you feel with him and he knows that it upsets you, and he doesn’t make any attempt to change his behaviour, you’ve either got to make the decision to put up with it and feel miserable/second class or leave. Decide how you want to feel for the rest of your life. You deserve to be loved and validated. Big hugs.

He is selfish, self-centered, thoughtless, and unapologetic. He's telling you that this is who he is. It's who he always has been, and he won't change.

You have told him you find his lack of care and thought hurtful. If someone loves you, they would be upset that you are hurt and try harder. He's telling you this is who he is. You need to put up abs shut up or get out.

Realistically, proclamations of love aren't enough. They are just words. Demonstration of love is what you want. How does he demonstrate his love for you?

He's abusive and you deserve better. 💐 Wouldn't your life be so much better without him?

OP have you heard of those people have different love languages and ways of loving

acts of service
physical touch
gifts
another one I can’t think of

it does sound perhaps like he hasn’t changed - so he hasn’t defrauded you about who he is

So he has always been this way? So how has gaslit you?

Why do people think others will change?

Ops posted read like that

i wonder if you thought you could change him OP..

When you say he has done things you don’t want in the bedroom, do you mean that he has literally done things without your consent? So he has sexually assaulted/raped you?

Even if it doesn't come naturally he could find ways to make sure he remembers! If he wanted to.... I suspect years of laziness with no consequence means he's unlikely to change.

Lazy, selfish and sees you as a domestic servant... I think my love would have waned years ago. In your position I'd be withdrawing some of those domestic/ sexual services and making plans for a more independent life that doesn't revolve around him.

You are right to think his efforts is just rubbish.
Before people come at you with Love Languages, that's been totally debunked as an idea of an American pastor about persuading women to accept less.

Meanwhile scientific studies of successful relationships shows that a "balanced diet" of all expressions of love is necessary...not an excuse to impose just one (if you are minimally lucky) and do no more ....sorry OP 💐imagine this disregard for a whole life...totally unappealing (and that's without his sexual transgressions/ assault)

I would be asking to see the flowers order.

Then when they never existed he can add lying twat to his faults..
While you decide if that's the sort of man you want to be married to.

He's selfish. He makes commitments that impact the "family" unilaterally.

He's selfish in the bedroom. He thinks of his own satisfaction before you. He breeches boundaries for his own sexual satisfaction without consent. That's sexual assault.

He's a taker.

He's a shit partner. I imagine he's an equally shit parent if he's so selfish.

None if this is loving.

It sounds like everyone around him is there for his convenience. He's the main character and your all the supporting cast.

@PollyBell he wasn't like this when we first dated. He put effort into dates, showed up in the relationship ect. It all very quickly tailed off after pregnancy though, and then came the excuse of "oh I've never had to consider others in my life so it doesn't come naturally to me but give it time and it will" foolishly I believed this and genuinely just thought with practice he would get better

Obviously in hindsight, that was my fault for believing him. As per always DH has always SAID the right things but there is never any action to the follow through. I wish I had known that back then and saved myself prime years of my life.

@Wakemeupinapril conveniently it wasn't on the order when he checked it after the flowers didn't show up! Must have been an error on the stores end .... Funny that

got ahead of himself and done things I didn't want for his own satisfaction

Just this sentence sent chills down my spine.

This alone would make me leave him.

It does sound like you are doing to leave him.

On that basis, ask him how he is doing to find a way to compensate for his natural inclination to ignore things that are important to you!

He could set himself reminders, he could make notes, decide to react when he sees all the advertising and marketing in shops.

That thing is he could of loads of things if he wanted. He choses not too.

He's not going to change OP. The only person who can change is you.

Tell him all special occasions are off the table and match his energy. I wouldn't be sleeping with him either if he's going to do what sounds like sexual assault.

Tell him you're going to think of yourself from now on.

Please think about your future with him though, you deserve to be loved in the way you want.