In-laws talking to 6 year old about inheritance

[SpanishFork]

Last summer my FiL’s very elderly uncle died; I had met him a handful of times. My husband and his brothers and cousins would often drive down to see him in his house where he lived independently. Husband’s aunt got a call from a neighbour to say he had died.

So yesterday my nearly 7 year old comes home babbling about saving plans etc. It turns out she is a beneficiary of his will and my husband knew this but didn’t tell me as I
have a ten year old from a previous marriage. She has no relationship whatsoever with her father’s family.

My husband who supports my eldest without question says I am always weird about stuff like this. He says his parents and one of his siblings have got every right to talk openly about money and this openness is what helps educate children about money.

There is no way I would have spoken to my youngest about this especially as my eldest won’t have such a good start.

I am so angry that my in-laws have done this. My husband says my daughter would have found out anyway through cousins etc.

I disagree 10 year olds have no idea of the value of money. If she knows now she will get used to it by the time she knows what it actually means.

I think it might be better that your oldest knows now rather than a shock later when her half sibling has a massive deposit that she doesn’t have.

I honestly cannot imagine anyone saying this to a single dad.

In all fairness there is no good “age” or time for your daughter to know/recognise that she is less wealthy than her sibling. It sucks. Sorry OP.

I don’t think your in laws were wrong to speak openly about it to your child though. Families do speak about money especially those with money!

Yes, agreed. I would be furious in this situation.

I agree that a child of 6/7 years old doesn't need to know she'll be inheriting money or how much. Presumably due to her age, parents would be in charge of overseeing the inheritance and it would be down to them what/if she's told. The in-laws have taken that away from the OP, as her Mum - it should have been a discussion between the OP and her husband.

Yes, we as parents do need to discuss money with our children. We need to encourage them to understand the value of money, how money is earned and how to save. As they become older, the concept of mortgages, types of savings accounts etc need to be talked about. The earlier children learn about money, the better.

However, the OP's daughter can learn about money without knowing about an inheritance! It also means she's likely to tell friends etc, and depending on how much, that could open her up to people befriending her due to the money, as she becomes older etc.

Of course the OP's eldest won't inherit, and that's no one's fault, it's circumstances. It's down to the OP to explain the situation as sensitively as she can. There's going to be times when they simply can't be treated the same.

If she knows now she will get used to it by the time she knows what it actually means.

Yes, I think it's actually healthier for it to be something that she's always known about, rather than it being presented as a huge thing when she's 18 or 21 (or even 12, when the ramifications would be more clear to her, but she wouldn't have the maturity to manage the news).

"No child needs to know how much money they have until university applications, even full siblings.
No ten year old needs to know how much better off her sibling is.
No in-law should ever discuss something so private to a six year old."

Actually OP, I think the earlier your children find out, the better. If it's just something that's always been a fact, they are much less likely to hold a grudge than if your eldest get through 3 years at university on loans and THEN finds out that their younger sibling has a fund and will have it all paid for. Rip the plaster off quickly.

@SpanishFork are you the panto drama poster?

You are massively over reacting why is what money they have to be a secret?! What if they don't go to uni? What if they want to move out before hand and need to know finances?

You sound very controlling and PPS are right this seems about what your 10 won't have, you need to do some hard parenting and discuss the situation rather than hide it away. Very odd behaviour.

remember those who say if you don’t know how to be with money, you will be without Bonney Wetherby salary was 100k or 50k pa. True.

Eh? In English?

My brother is great with money. As a kid, he used to buy the half penny Fruit Salad and Blackjack sweets (yes, I’m that old) and sell them to my sister and I for 1p. Never too young to learn about money!

I have an ISA and a SIPP for my son. He doesn’t know exactly how much, just that there’s a decent amount. He also knows he has a very expensive watch in the bank, that was his baptism gift.

That is a great amount and will give your youngest such a lot of options. Surely that makes you happy to know she has security?

Then why did you mention your eldest in the OP?

they are your DC grandparents not just your in laws.

However, because my six year old is talking openly my eldest now knows and has the potential to be upset.

She was going to find out at some point anyway. You can't hide things forever and getting upset is part of life. Why not use it as a learning experience for your eldest?

You are the 7 year old’s mother, of course you should have been involved in the money conversation!

My young child will probably also inherit one day but i am raising her to know that nothing is ever guaranteed, and that she will need to stand on her own 2 feet and pay her own way in life. If my in laws decided to tell her that, actually, there’s a nice pot of money waiting for her i would be very irritated. it can make kids take money for granted and be lazy if they think they grow up thinking they won’t have to work for it.

This

Your husbands uncle has died. The uncle was kind enough to consider his child in his Will. I imagine the family were just expressing that to your child.
I understand it may be difficult for your older child but that’s just the circumstances. My children have a half sibling who have, and will have many more financial advantages. They understand. That’s just life.
Maybe you could save more for your elder child to counteract some of it?

Your husband is in favour of being open with his daughter concerning money. I think that's a really healthy viewpoint and he's fine with his family sharing the news with his daughter. He's her dad and he's got a different opinion than you.

Secrecy won't benefit anyone. Growing up financially literate is important.

Your set up the inequity with your oldest when you married someone whose family had some wealth and decided to have another child. You can't put that cat back in the bag by keeping your younger child's inheritance secret.

But to suddenly announce to a teenager, or even wait until they’re almost 18, to tell them that actually they have a huge sum of money in savings, is far more likely to result in impulsive or irresponsible behaviour.

The fact is, it is her money. Far better she knows it exists, that it’s safely locked away and inaccessible for now, but will earn interest and that she will have control over it in the future. That allows for discussions to be introduced gradually over time, talking about wise ways to use the money, rather than springing it on her (and her sister becoming aware that this big sum of money exists) when she’s much older and you have little (and eventually no) control over how she manages it.

Why are you upset? Your DC is learning early about the necessity of saving and planning for the future. Surely good things. DH is unreasonable not telling you DC was a beneficiary of his uncle's will, but I can see why he didn't tell you. Your other child is treated well and included, but cannot inherit from a step-great-uncle they did not know. Yes, they have a poorer start so all the more important to talk about saving, and planning to both DC.

A near 7yr old has no concept of very sizeable quantities of anything.
There will be school friends as well as step sibling who will have to be ‘protected’ (can’t think of a better word, sorry) from this peculiar situation.

If she was heiress to almost anything she would need to be told even if she is only six.

what bloody world are you living in 🙄🤔