In-laws talking to 6 year old about inheritance

[SpanishFork]

Last summer my FiL’s very elderly uncle died; I had met him a handful of times. My husband and his brothers and cousins would often drive down to see him in his house where he lived independently. Husband’s aunt got a call from a neighbour to say he had died.

So yesterday my nearly 7 year old comes home babbling about saving plans etc. It turns out she is a beneficiary of his will and my husband knew this but didn’t tell me as I
have a ten year old from a previous marriage. She has no relationship whatsoever with her father’s family.

My husband who supports my eldest without question says I am always weird about stuff like this. He says his parents and one of his siblings have got every right to talk openly about money and this openness is what helps educate children about money.

There is no way I would have spoken to my youngest about this especially as my eldest won’t have such a good start.

I am so angry that my in-laws have done this. My husband says my daughter would have found out anyway through cousins etc.

InterIgnis
IIRC he didn’t want to marry at all, something OP told him she was fine with until she accidentally fell pregnant and her mother apparently insisted that they marry. Maybe she thought because he acquiesced to marriage that he’d fall in line when it came to the rest too, but he didn’t and won’t. So she periodically picks fight to lose.

Not me!

Other way round for my partner and his siblings. Their father (still alive) will leave everything to his second wife and all three of her kids and grandkids. So, to his step children and step grandkids. Nothing for my partner and his siblings. None of them are well off, either. One has recently married a pretty well-off man, but my partner and the other sibling are certainly not well off. Their mother has no money at all, and will leave nothing when she passes, so it's not like their dad thinks she'll leave something.

And no, they should never have spoken to your young child about the inheritance. How is she even supposed to understand? It is clear from your post that that is what you were asking, not that you wanted your other child to benefit.

But it’s not though is it because I don’t need the money for day-to-day living costs so therefore it would be saved and it would be no different whatsoever from inheritance.
She doesn’t get anything from the father so the bloody least he can do is give her money.
But I won’t have the disparity between siblings

she doesn’t get anything from her father, unlike the eldest.
but she’s in line for an inheritance hence you only save for the eldest

Correct?

"Life's not fair" refers to unpredictable or random events that can't be prevented.

It's not a carte blanche which allows people to do unfair things.

Absolutely bonkers that I actually just had to explain that.

Unearned income is entirely different from salaries.
Neither of them have lifted a finger for any of the money so it needs to be the same unearned income for both.

Who saves what is irrelevant.

My DH & me are very fortunate that <potentially> we have quite a lot to leave to our DGC & DCs. However, we would never discuss this as it's not certain. One or both of us may need to go into a care home leaving them with diddly squat. What we do however is give them what ever HMRC allows us (DH deals with it, but I think it's about £1500pa each) which is put into their savings accounts.

No, not correct. You’ve just literally made all that up. Well done.

Keeping stuff like this secret always, always makes it worse. Much bette4 tha5 everyone knows and it can be talked about openly. Of course, the little one also needs to be told that mummy and daddy will put it safely into a savings account for when she’s older. And the older one can be assured that mummy and daddy will look after them too.

I would be very surprised if a 6 or 10 year old fully appreciated the value of what’s being inherited, and it will be you that makes this an issue not your kids making it something it’s not

I’m confused

you said that the same situation in your family… hence you channel all your resources in to the savings for one child (the one not in line for an inheritance). Your eldest or your youngest?

The child has already inherited…

I really hope that the OPs husband ensures she doesn't skim money/interest for her eldest. It would also be unwise to "even things up" (in her eyes) by leaving or saving extra to her eldest. This would lead to the youngest being very upset and resentful in the future and possibly causing estrangement.

The majority of people leave their ‘ wealth ‘ to their children or relatives upon their death, not strangers who they think maybe are more deserving . I wouldn’t leave my house to a stranger that doesn’t have a house and bypass my own children ( even if they already had a house of their own) .
correct me if I’m wrong , and by all means please explain to me if I’m misunderstanding ?
I don’t think you’ve actually explained anything 🥴

Life ain’t fair.

Having a family that teaches you that - the hard way - is particularly unkind.

But it’s a lesson best learnt early if that’s the case.

I'm with you on this @SpanishFork . Your youngest really doesn't need to know anything about this at such a young age, especially given the now clear financial disparity between your children. Is it likely to to cause issues between your children.
Incidentally in my family there are a few step children and they are considered children of our family and treated absolutely equally with their biological siblings and cousins.
Your husband and his side clearly have a different view and a pretty shitty one in my opinion.
I would suggest you start some sort of savings plan for your eldest to try and level the playing field a bit and explain to both children exactly why you are doing it.

@SpanishFork I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset that your child told you and your husband didn't. And for him to think it's ok for your other child to find out about this through other relatives is thoughtless and cowardly.

Both your kids will forget about this. It is ages away even for the 10 year-old to go to university. This is extremely dull information for young children. They will forget about it if you don’t make a big drama now.

She had inherited £77,000 I don’t know why the amount is significant.

I do not not and have never expected my in-laws to save for my eldest, she is not their grandchild.

Nor would I ever steal from one child to give to another.

This doesn’t mean that I am not sad about my daughters’ unequal prospects.

I don’t think my youngest should have been told about this.

People have said that I must have wanted my eldest to be included or my post wouldn’t have mentioned her I could have just ranted about in laws telling youngest.

However, because my six year old is talking openly my eldest now knows and has the potential to be upset.

I can’t imagine that any disparity in money wouldn’t even have occurred to eldest until mid-twenties/thirties when she could have accepted it better.

You are being very unreasonable. I inherited from my grandfather at age 6. I was told about it and was it was banked for me and every few years I was knew how much it had grown. It meant a lot to me that he had left me it and it was kept and then I used it to help through university. Love you grampa
you sound slightly bitter that your elder child is not included….people can leave their money as they wish. Be grateful for this gift

But you created this unequal situation by remarrying and giving your dd1 a sibling from another dad with another family.

What's much more important than money is that your dd is growing up with her bio dad and your youngest has, mum, dad and sister growing up. You have disadvantaged your dd by bringing in a stranger to raise her. Thankfully, it has worked out but more important than the inheritance is that your dd2 has it all in terms of family.

Sounds more like your p’d off it has gone to your daughter and not you and your husband and then you could have controlled what happens to it. I suspect that is EXACTLY why they told your DD it’s hers!!

@SpanishForki can’t imagine that a 6 year old has any conception of what £77k means and what it could do for her later, not really. She’s understandably excited now, but hopefully that will wear off soon and you can forget all about it for a while. If your in-laws keep raising it, then you will need to ask them to button it in front of the children. Unless they are monsters, they must surely appreciate that your eldest is likely to be upset/envious.

Rubbish.

It's appropriate to this child because it has happened!. They have inherited a significant amount of money and that should be explained to them in an age-appropriate way. Not concealed until they are "old enough".

@SpanishFork you are utterly unreasonable. What would you do? Conceal it from your child until they go to university? That would be very very wrong. Are you always this controlling?

There’s no guarantee the older daughter would accept it better at 18/20/whatever. In fact it could be harder to accept at a stage when she’ll likely be taking out a student loan/ paying rent/ working.

as there’s a chance the cousins could have talked about it with the younger child anyway, it’s far better to be transparent rather than the older child finding out randomly and knowing it was concealed from her.

You obviously feel upset that financially, one child has significantly more than the other. But this sort of thing is always a risk with a blended family. It could have been the other way around - the older one could have got a windfall from her dad’s side of the family.

you say your dh always supports your eldest without question. That’s the key most important thing- that both girls are being raised in a family where they are both cared for and supported. The fact one has inherited from her dad’s side of the family is an entirely different issue. It’s her money. And in all likelihood will cause far less issue with it being transparent from the start. Imagine if the elder one knew nothing until the younger went off to uni without needing a loan? Or bought a house using it as a deposit when eldest was still renting? That would likely cause far greater upset and a feeling that something significant had been deliberately hidden from her for years.