In-laws talking to 6 year old about inheritance

[SpanishFork]

Last summer my FiL’s very elderly uncle died; I had met him a handful of times. My husband and his brothers and cousins would often drive down to see him in his house where he lived independently. Husband’s aunt got a call from a neighbour to say he had died.

So yesterday my nearly 7 year old comes home babbling about saving plans etc. It turns out she is a beneficiary of his will and my husband knew this but didn’t tell me as I
have a ten year old from a previous marriage. She has no relationship whatsoever with her father’s family.

My husband who supports my eldest without question says I am always weird about stuff like this. He says his parents and one of his siblings have got every right to talk openly about money and this openness is what helps educate children about money.

There is no way I would have spoken to my youngest about this especially as my eldest won’t have such a good start.

I am so angry that my in-laws have done this. My husband says my daughter would have found out anyway through cousins etc.

@SpanishFork as your daughter’s mother, I think the main person at fault here is your husband. He 100% should have spoken to you about it before your daughter was told.

I think the message was clear enough:
If you don't know how to be with (ie live with & manage) money, then you will be without.

It's never too young to learn that having money is a (generally) good thing, that money has to be managed, and to understand some of the basics about investing & saving.

One where I speak to children honestly and don’t conceal stuff they have a right to know.

Seriously? You'd be furious that your child has inherited £77k? Odd, very odd!

You bring wonderful memories of my childhood. I learnt about ‘savings’ from as little as I can remember. Why? My mother opened savings account for each one of us (we are 5). However, she made clear it wash her money - so I NEVER walked around thinking I had money that belonged to me. She would often withdraw from one of the accounts when she wanted to purchase something big for the family.

however, the seed she had sown was of ‘savings’. Don’t eat up whole salary in one month. Budget and stay within your means.

i have known people who thought salary money was meant to be spent in that money. They therefore adjusted the it spending their higher the salary went up. I on the other hand, upped my investments the higher the salary. To would not occur to me to up spendings simply because salary is higher.

While I can get where you're coming from about the level of details given to a 6 year old, I don't buy it for one second that your anger isn't driven by your feeling that inlaws treat your daughter differently and it's clear from your prior posts and your DH's comment.

Your level of anger is OTT and you need to deal with the fact that they are not related to your older daughter and have chosen to treat her differently. The way you're going will end up pushing your DH away who you have said has always been there for your older DH. You will also create resentment between the sisters as they get older..

Pick your battles.

Secrets are never better dealt with by adults. Never.

children are much more understanding and literal about things. By the time your DD is in her twenties and thirties, and the money is being used by her sibling, it’ll have been known to her for so long it’s much less of a deal.

My DSS and my DDs knew of their financial inequality from a young age. They’re now mid-later twenties and it’s just life. They got on with it and don’t impact them. DSS made his uni choices knowing the financial back up he had, DDs made theirs knowing their financial situation. No issues at all.

landing financial inequality onto a child at 18 when making uni choices is a dreadful idea.

When I was 7 my parents took me to the post office. I had a post office savings account, with a little book. I saved money in my money box, every so often I took it to the post office. I went by myself. It wasn't far away. As far as I was concerned I was operating the account myself. My parents were probably overseeing things. I understood interest.
I also had premium bonds which someone gave me for my birthday.
Age 14, my dad told me to open a building society account, which i did. I caught a bus into town and took myself to the building society. Things were different then, no need to prove identity etc.
Thank God my parents talked about money and taught me about money. Its a life skill. Anyone who doesn't know how to save money and doesn't talk about it is weird. 18 is much too late to learn about money.
I assume your husband is investing on her behalf. 77k is a lot for a little girl.
I bet you haven't got a clue how to invest it wisely because you don't like talking about money. I bet you never read about it either. I bet you know nothing about tax free savings either, because you wouldn't talk about such things.
Well, here's a tip: open an isa for your eldest child. Put a small amount of money in regularly. Include her in the financial planning. Let her know its for her future. It's not the same but it is something

great post.

knowing the truth enables conversations to be had along the way so that wise ways of utilising the inheritance are discussed gradually. It’s not hidden as if it’s some dangerous secret! Particularly as in the OP’s case, the younger dd’s cousins could easily mention it at any point.

The in-laws/ grandparents are a bit odd by the sounds of things. It’s annoying they didn’t speak to you about it first so you could handle it your way. “Uncle thingy has died and left you some money for when you’re grown up. We will put it in the bank for you” is all one of ours would be told and all they’d need to know. No need to mention it to the other child.
It’s done now, anyway , the six year old won’t have a clue. Don’t talk about it any more, max out premium bonds for her or something. In a round about way the other child will benefit because you now only have the one lot of uni funding to find.

A sensible, measured world .

They have done NOTHING wrong. If something is "private" it should only be discussed with the people it affects the most. Given that is the 6 year old, if it can be discussed AT ALL with ANYONE then it is the 6 year old it can be discussed with!

Really you are angry because your children won't get the same money, that is something you are FINE with, because if you weren't, you would have had all your kids with the same bloke. It's fine you didn't, but a logical follow on is that your children have different relatives and might be treated differently. If you were ok enough with that to do it, then you are fine that it's happening.

OK - it wasn't the IL's job to tell your child,

Ideally you and your DH would have discussed how to broach it with her.

But I completely disagree with you about when to tell a child that they have money, and just as they go and live independently at Uni , feeling 'wayhay I have CASH' and are beyond your reach is probably the worst time! IMO.

My Dc had a small sum from a relative, and we put it in a Halifax children's account. From age 9 or 10 I took them into the branch to discuss the best place to move it, look at the added interest, all the time emphasising the importance of saving and how important it would be to their future. My Dc are now incredibly competent with money, being sensible, managing well as adults, finding the best way to save etc.

Your Dd came home talking about savings plans. A very good start. Build on it.

It is tricky that your older child won't have the same nest egg. Unfortunately one of those things.

Why will she accept it better in her 20s?

Where are you getting this from? I've read all OP's replies.

This, nails it.

They're 6 and 10 ffs.

I remember your other post. You feel like your in laws exclude your eldest daughter. You tried to instruct your younger child not be in photos without your older child. You said in that post that your DH was a wonderful man and you would never know he wasn’t her dad. Do you still think that now?

Well you have posted for advice but you’re not listening. Most people reply wanting to be well meaning. The majority feel your husband has a point.

What on earth are you even trying to say?

I'm saying that the most logical path of inheritance is for wealth to pass down to the immediate next generation. So from parent to child.

It is unfair for wealth to skip generations (eg. grandparent to grandchild).

Skipping generations will result in many working people across the country not inheriting wealth, and not being able to, for example, buy their own home.

The OP couldn't do that.

It wouldn't be legal to do it before the dd is 18, it is the Dds money left to her directly in a will and to re-distribute it would be stealing.

Once the dd gains control of the money (which will either be at 18 or later of it has been left in trust stipulating older) then it is up to her. Though she could be subject to emotional manipulation, I suppose.

Well it's done now. I'd start saving up and investing for the ten year old.

Most generation skipping seems to happen in families where the adult-child generation is already financially comfortable and leaving them the ££ would just mean it is subject to further IHT once it is passed to the grandchildren of the original benefactor,

Inheritance tax?

Inheritance tax is absolutely not an issue, unless you come from an extremely wealthy upper class family. The threshold for inheritance tax is colossal.

It's £325k for a single person. Many people's houses alone exceed that. A two bedroomed semi/terraced costs that where I live. Certainly not upper class world.