In-laws talking to 6 year old about inheritance

[SpanishFork]

Last summer my FiL’s very elderly uncle died; I had met him a handful of times. My husband and his brothers and cousins would often drive down to see him in his house where he lived independently. Husband’s aunt got a call from a neighbour to say he had died.

So yesterday my nearly 7 year old comes home babbling about saving plans etc. It turns out she is a beneficiary of his will and my husband knew this but didn’t tell me as I
have a ten year old from a previous marriage. She has no relationship whatsoever with her father’s family.

My husband who supports my eldest without question says I am always weird about stuff like this. He says his parents and one of his siblings have got every right to talk openly about money and this openness is what helps educate children about money.

There is no way I would have spoken to my youngest about this especially as my eldest won’t have such a good start.

I am so angry that my in-laws have done this. My husband says my daughter would have found out anyway through cousins etc.

I'm fully aware they're not related by blood. No need to shout.

And you don't think the child won't see this as favouritism??

Unfortunately this is what can happen with half-siblings or step-siblings. There will inevitably be disparities in things like inheritance, relationships with their biological parents, and relationships with people in their blended family.

I probably wouldn't have gone into great detail about the particulars of an inheritance with a 6-year-old, but what's done is done. At least this won't be a secret between your children, which could have created awkwardness when the younger one learned what she'd inherited and had to decide when/how/whether to tell the elder. There are benefits to having things out in the open from an early age.

CANNOT guarantee the words used will be ‘wise’!
Or, VERY importantly whether words used are interpreted, understood, & remembered intelegently so that the infant can carry out the instructions.
Much safer all round to be allowed to grow up in conventional family life with good foundations.

That’s great you wouldn’t think that but I know people that did nothing in life because of inheritance. Or maybe they’d have ended up doing nothing anyway just be poor, I don’t really know. I’m not talking about deposit for a house.

it all depends on amounts so if there’s a trust where the children could live comfortably and not work it’s better they don’t know about it.

Not exaggerating, I’m not talking about getting a house I’m talking about a trust fund for the children where they don’t have to work if they don’t want to. Would people tell their children there’s one? Or would they put conditions in what circumstances it’s granted - ie certain age, finishing uni etc.

Then why would they expected to be treated as such?

You said you'd be devasted if your father's parents didn't treat you as a grandchild. Well if he was really your father yes that would be odd.

My DGS has 2 siblings who are not my grandchildren. Why would I consider them as such?

I imagine in that case your lifestyle might give the game away, without having to be explicit.
Can they really not work it out if you’re seriously rich? Are they of normal intelligence?

I think conditions in it in that case as you may well end up with a spoilt hooray Henry flashing the cash on champagne and cocaine and ding not much else

Probably they get some cash out of the fund to pay for uni, some towards a house etc but everything needs approval until they are 30.But it stays under parents control By that time they've had a chance to prove themselves even though they will have a car far easier ride than most others.

If at that age they are not in a position to be sensible then withdraw it. I'm talking cases like drug addiction etc

Infant?!

We’re not talking about a baby so no need for the hyperbole. The child is almost 7 with a 10 year old sibling. The younger child has inherited a sum of money which is theirs. They have a right to know it exists, though obviously the money should be invested wisely on their behalf and of course they should not be able to access it until older.

over the coming years this enables intelligent conversations to be had about it. Talking about money and developing financial literacy is absolutely beneficial when raising children. Not treating money as some dark secret and wanting to hide the fact that the child has been given this sum of money. I wonder what the OP’s thinking is… does she honestly think it’ll go well to wait until younger dd is applying for uni to announce that she may want to use some of her fund? Just when the older dd may be finishing uni with massive debt?

And as it’s clear that the younger child’s cousins know and may well talk about it to her, it’s even more important the information comes factually and clearly first hand.

I agree with you OP. This was for you and dh to handle.

You created this situation which actually by ten they should be able to both work out and have first hand experience with merely by virtue of who you are married to and who you spend time with.

Your ten year old is the outsider and will always be the outsider.

Why are you in denial about this? These are your choices. Time to step up and take responsibility for them and have a good old life lesson session with your eldest about how life isn't fair and how they are going to have to suck it up and deal with it.

You as parent can help stear whether the response to this is positive or negative at ten. You can't do that if you don't talk about it or want to pretend it's not a reality until they are older. It will still be the same reality.

Honestly this is a 'you should have thought about this before you blended' issue. Burying your head in the sand and crying they are too young isn't realistic. Take responsibility.

Yes, the fact that the wider family are so open about this to each other means it's inevitably coming out sooner than OP would want. Delaying it until much later was never one of DH and OPs choices. So if they'd been capable of having a mutually sensible conversation about it, they'd have had to focus on the best way to tell DD about it whilst she's still young.

while i agree with openess I agree with you 6 is too young - she's excited about the money but is not mature enough to appreciate that someone died so she could get it. And while I also accept half siblings get different treatment from extended family ... your 10 year old is too young to look at this maturely like we as adults do. They may feel resentment they don't process. I would be furious too.

But... how much longer were they going to be able to reliably enforce DD not knowing anyway? When the rest of the family all know and are open about it with each other. At least this way it was adults who told her and would've been able to handle any difficult questions, rather than a fellow child.

Christ, if this is the drama created after an inheritance from a great uncle, what on earth is the OP going to be like when the inlaws follow suit?

OP you are desperate for your 10yo to be seen as part of DH family, but they don't and won't. (And nor should they).

You need to reconcile this asap otherwise you and your chip will be very unpleasant to be around.

Ultimatly, one child is from a low contact low income family and the other is from the opposite.

You need to realise this is of your own creation. No one else.

No. I would see it as making things a bit more equal for my oldest child. The elder will never have financially what her younger sister has. Why should the oldest life not be made easier.
The oldest has no relationship with the Father's side, why should she not have some help?
In my will everything will be equal between my adult daughter and son, but I gave money to one whose need was alot greater a few years ago, neither saw it a favouritism, and the one who did not get the money understood I could not do it twice.

Probably better they get used to it sooner rather than later.

No child needs to know how much money they have until university applications, even full siblings.
No ten year old needs to know how much better off her sibling is.
No in-law should ever discuss something so private to a six year old.

You state these things like they are unbendable universal facts. They are not. They are rules that you made up.

Love the fact that both are going to uni, even though they haven't taken their sats yet. Well done.

If I was great uncle I wouldn't have left money to some random step great niece. Hope that puts it into context.

If I was mil I would have welcomed the step granddaughter into the family and definitely bought her Christmas and birthday presents. It would be mean not to. I'd buy her an Easter egg too.
I assume husband is going to inherit quite a bit from his parents. Imagine the mumsnet threads that will result from that.
IF the daughters go to uni, I am thinking that the youngest one will not get such good student loans. I know parental income is taken into consideration. She will probably have about 150k by then and will be expected to support herself through uni. She will leave uni with less student debt. It's often 45k nowadays.
It's up to mum to help the youngest one through uni.
Degrees are going out of fashion nowadays. Too much debt for too little reward. Kids are more interested in degree apprenticeship and other routes. But the present government is busy reforming/ funking up the education system, so who knows what the next 12 years may hold.

Degrees are going out of fashion… 🤔

I wouldn’t be remotely surprised if the in-laws bypass their son and leave any inheritance to the grandchildren.

You should just say isn't it nice uncle John left you some money, we'll put it away for you until you are older. And put it into savings for her. It will be yesterday's news to her pretty quickly. I don't understand the anger, I expect the in laws were excited for her and wanted her to appreciate the gift. Why shouldn't she know that someone did a really nice thing for her?

Agree.

She’s been given a sum of money which she has the right to know but She‘s unlikely to be checking the FTSE 100 and reporting to playground friends.

£77k is not anywhere near enough to be lazy.

It is enough for her to start thinking about what she wants to do with it.

At 6, she might think she wants to spend it all on princess dresses and ponies but that's why no-one has given her the money yet and she won't be getting it in her pocket until adulthood, regardless of how long ILs live.

Over that time she can consider if it's best paying for University fees, or a deposit on a home, or to invest for the future.

Giving an 18 yo a large sum of money unexpectedly when they've had no time to consider the implications on their future life choices is a recipe for disaster and those I know who have been in that position ended up back to zero a few years later with nothing to show for it.