In-laws talking to 6 year old about inheritance

[SpanishFork]

Last summer my FiL’s very elderly uncle died; I had met him a handful of times. My husband and his brothers and cousins would often drive down to see him in his house where he lived independently. Husband’s aunt got a call from a neighbour to say he had died.

So yesterday my nearly 7 year old comes home babbling about saving plans etc. It turns out she is a beneficiary of his will and my husband knew this but didn’t tell me as I
have a ten year old from a previous marriage. She has no relationship whatsoever with her father’s family.

My husband who supports my eldest without question says I am always weird about stuff like this. He says his parents and one of his siblings have got every right to talk openly about money and this openness is what helps educate children about money.

There is no way I would have spoken to my youngest about this especially as my eldest won’t have such a good start.

I am so angry that my in-laws have done this. My husband says my daughter would have found out anyway through cousins etc.

I know!

I assumed the poster you were responding to must be talking insane amounts of money if she and her husband think it might stop their children from thinking they need to work.

for the super rich, as that poster seemed to be referring, I agree that it could be a dilemma, if your children know they will literally have enough in the future to live a comfortable, interesting life without needing to fund it themselves. That often doesn’t end well, as evidenced by the offspring of some mega rich people. Interesting some mega wealthy people actively decide to not leave all their wealth to their children. But 77k is hardly that territory! It’s a great sum to have and invested wisely will be a real help in future but it’s not going to be anywhere near enough to just live a lazy lifestyle

All sounds pretty arbitrary. What if the child leaves school at 16 and wants to start their own business? Or gets married at 16 and wants to buy a house? I don't think you can lie to a 16 year old and withhold their money, unless it was stipulated in the will. What's so special about when they (if they) apply to Uni? Or any other random date 16th birthday, 18th birthday, 21st birthday if they always knew they had some money saved does it matter?

To a six year old or a 10 year old how much is a lot of money is pretty vague, getting £10 at Christmas seems like a lot. She will (probably) remember that she has some money in a savings account but the amount is going to be pretty meaningless, unless you go on about it and how unfair it is, etc, etc. If you make it a big deal it will be.

If they haven't already got one open a savings account for the 10 year old as well, so they don't feel left out.

Not to mention that waiting until Uni applications could mean the money goes against the child if they can't then access student finance- the money may not pay for the whole course of study so they'll still end up paying the 9% over the threshold and if they happen to be a low-middle earner, the interest will accrue faster than they pay it and the money they had will make no difference to the total they pay off.

I am not sure how it works if a child has their own money, but this is something that OP could be spending her energy researching now, and if this money will have to be used pay the fees in part then I would be making a plan to ensure she can top up the money so that it pays the fees in full so there is no loan to repay, and then working out if this is feasible for her elder daughter and if not how she can rebalance things to make it fairer.

There's a lot to consider here and the earlier the better!

Well if he was really your father yes that would be odd.

You're being deeply offensive. My father is my father. The fact that we're not blood related has never been an issue. My sibling is my sibling. I have never thought of them as a 'half' sibling. And my grandparents treated me like their grandchild. We're family.

You speak your own truth. Thankfully that has not been my experience.

It really depends on the family and it's not always desirable for everyone to be "equal."

My parents met my SD when she was 7 and have only seen her maybe once or twice a year since then. They met my daughter the day she was born in the hospital and see her every week, have 2-3 sleepovers with her a week and care for her in school holidays.

Meanwhile, SD lives with her Grandma on her Mum's side.

She doesn't see them the same her Nan and they don't see her the same as their granddaughter and it would be absurd to try to force that.

In the same way, I have a good relationship with SD but I'm not her Mum, she has a perfectly good Mum.

I think it’s nuts speaking to a 6 year old about inheritance. DS thinks he is rich if he gets 20p! He does know things cost money but no concept about lots of money. Maybe she just overheard them.

Presumably your biological father wasn’t in the picture.
That doesn’t appear to be the case here. Op’s eldest daughter has a whole other family that’s not shared with her step sister.

But biologically and legally( unless he adopted you in which case his parents would be your grandparents ) he wasn't Simple facts

Please jog on. I'm done.

We can only wonder why you started, tbh.

Right to clarify I have no issue whatsoever with children learning to be financially literate; I started this post to moan about my in-laws talking to my child about money that she has inherited. I think she is too young to know that she has this amount of money.

I believe strongly that only parents should have these kind of conversations with their minor children.

My husband is happy to speak openly about money and does not object to his parents speaking openly especially as other children have inherited as well.

Because my children are half-siblings things have to be handled more sensitively but at no point whatsoever have I ever suggested that my child should inherit anything from them. I would have hoped that they would generally be less exclusionary while always being nice and polite.

The will did not mention the uncle’s niece and nephews but the next two generations were included. My husband and all of that generation and their biological children have inherited and no, this hasn’t got anything to do with me but my husband will reduce the mortgage, I have not asked for anything and I am not controlling.

He doubts that he will be included in his parents’ will because of my eldest daughter. When my BiL divorced he was given money by his parents which will be taken into account when the in-laws die. The in-laws do not consider discussions about this to be distasteful.

My six year old has been told by us and grandparents not to discuss money with friends she is also going round parroting what my MiL has said about the money in relation to her eldest grandchildren, that money is to be used for property and not for travelling.

To sum up I am troubled by the disparity but I am not looking for others to make up for it.

Nobody , even my FiL and his sister and cousin could have foreseen this, so there was no hope for me.

I Absolutely take on board what some people have said about information being shared at university age being the worst time and that has given me something to ponder so I am grateful for that.

The OP's older daughter does not consider this man to be her father, she does not call him dad. He does not consider himself that way either. He is her mother's husband, that is all. The OP wants her husband's family to be like yours. They do not feel the same. It is not possible to force people to behave in ways they do not want to.

Every thread this OP posts about her husband's family makes it very clear that they do not see her or her older child as part of their family any more than he considers himself her father. They are clearly a wealthy family and are suspicious of her and her motives. I am not sure they are wrong.

I don't think anyone can stipulate how an inheritance is spent. They can advise.
Once the child is 18/21/25 they can please themselves. It's their money! Not mil money. This is why financial education is important.
As for property. That can open a whole can of worms if the child marries and gets divorced.
But that's a future conundrum...
Glad we have given you a few ideas

The issue is not that it was discussed with your child, or that your eldest has not inherited. The issue is that your in-laws took it upon themselves to talk to YOUR child about her inheritance.

That was a massive overstep; it's a job for you and your Husband, not your in-laws. That is what needs addressing.

He doubts that he will be included in his parents’ will because of my eldest daughter
What does this mean, op? Your husband suspects that he will be disinherited from his parent’s will lest some of it benefits your daughter?
Has he actually said this?

I think how much money there is has a bearing on how wrong they were in this situation - if it was a couple of hundred pounds I’d let it slide and see it as a bit of a financial education. If it’s the sort of money that would have a real
impact on her life it’s something you and your husband should have discussed and decided how & when you wanted to tell her.

No she does not. His parents sound absolutely terrible.

While the grand uncle did not think of your eldest I do think your in laws should be mindful of your eldest daughter. She is only a child but old enough to know her sister is going to receive a huge amount of money.

Oh I’ve just seen the amount. Bloody hell they were so wrong! I wouldn’t want a 6 year old going round school talking about that kind of money.

And you’re right to be sad for your eldest daughter - they are close in age and half siblings- I’m sure you want them to be close and unfortunately money does drive a wedge for a lot of families. It’s something that needs to be handled sensitively.

at no point whatsoever have I ever suggested that my child should inherit anything from them. I would have hoped that they would generally be less exclusionary while always being nice and polite.

You've made your wants really clear without having to spit it out to your inlaws. In return, they've been very clear with you as to where you and your daughter stand. They're polite but you two aren't considered family. Your husband has been pretty clear that he sees you always getting "weird" when there's family money discussions.

Accept it or leave. You have fits and come here and vent, then something else comes up and you get angry all over again. What do you think that cycle is doing to your marriage and kids? Your fits of anger over their money is likely to teach your eldest entitlement rather than to be at peace with the differences in your kids' financial status. She may have to grind harder but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

And when the relatives of your youngest burn through their money before death because they want to, or it gets wiped out by care home fee's, what then? May not be an inheritance, may be a current trust fund or something, but even so I couldn't imagine treating my own children differently; myself; on the promise of something potentially happening for one and not the others from a third party, maybe in the future, it's a surefire way to create resentment.

It sounds like the DH’s parents are all about keeping the family wealth within the family. They realise that leaving OP’s DH an inheritance means that money will flow to the OP and her eldest daughter, which is clearly not what they want. So presumably the DH inheritance will skip down to OP’s younger daughter, their GC. Sounds like the DH is aware and accepting of this.

I understand this mentality; my DH’s family have a family business (not in the UK). It’s tightly structured so that wives cannot have any claim on it. My BIL’s (now) ex-wife was spitting feathers when she realised this!

I believe strongly that only parents should have these kind of conversations with their minor children.

I couldn't help but notice you hadn't addressed DHs point about one of the cousins bringing it up sooner rather than later.

Holding this view as a matter of principle is one thing, and one could possibly argue that the other adults in the family should respect it. But you can't enforce that on other people's kids, and they have a wider extended family culture of being open about this stuff. If it's talked about openly, there's always going to be a risk of it being introduced before your preferred time, by children who are less capable of talking about the issue maturely.

100% agree with this. Let's hope the in-laws don't pass while her youngest is still under 18. She chose this situation, but its now everyone else that is being unreasonable.

I totally disagree. Grandparents have no obligation, moral or otherwise, to consider elder daughter.