In-laws talking to 6 year old about inheritance

[SpanishFork]

Last summer my FiL’s very elderly uncle died; I had met him a handful of times. My husband and his brothers and cousins would often drive down to see him in his house where he lived independently. Husband’s aunt got a call from a neighbour to say he had died.

So yesterday my nearly 7 year old comes home babbling about saving plans etc. It turns out she is a beneficiary of his will and my husband knew this but didn’t tell me as I
have a ten year old from a previous marriage. She has no relationship whatsoever with her father’s family.

My husband who supports my eldest without question says I am always weird about stuff like this. He says his parents and one of his siblings have got every right to talk openly about money and this openness is what helps educate children about money.

There is no way I would have spoken to my youngest about this especially as my eldest won’t have such a good start.

I am so angry that my in-laws have done this. My husband says my daughter would have found out anyway through cousins etc.

It is not just about legalities. OP is very angry and upset. This is yet another way she feels the in laws her excluding her eldest. The DH is not on her side either. You can see how pressure and guilt may be applied to the youngest.

I actually think it would be worse to do what seems to be your preference - telling them later on as young adults.

Imagine growing up and feeling like you and your half sibling were in the same position only to discover when they went to university after you that they had loads more money.

I think it would be better to have always known it, surely?

Do we know that the in-laws were aware that DH hasn't told the daughter already? Did they know that OP didn't know?

If they're a very open family about such things, they might well have assumed that everyone knew, and they were just talking to DD about savings. After all, her cousin's already knew.

@SpanishFork why are you angry with your in-laws? It's not their fault what an elderly uncle puts in his will.

Well said

My husband who supports my eldest without question says I am always weird about stuff like this. He says his parents and one of his siblings have got every right to talk openly about money and this openness is what helps educate children about money.

The more you have a fit about his family's money and try to control your youngest's access to knowing about money and her finances to supposedly protect your older daughter, the more likely your husband gets really sick of it.

Yep, no getting round this one.

I agree with DH. It's tricky when step siblings have different propectsbut it goes with the situation.

Because presumably she's not going to see a penny of it till she's 18 at the earliest? What would the point of telling her now be?

I’m sure if your eldest was a beneficiary as well and your in-laws discussed the inheritance with both of them you wouldn’t be nearly as pissed off. The issue here is the disparity between the two children - not your in-laws chatting about ISAs with a six year old. It’s great they’re being open about money and saving.

She has been angry at them for a while for excluding her eldest in photos and other things, I guess this is the nail in the coffin.

God you sound exactly like my husband ex wife when my DD got an inheritance from my family and his kids did not. My dd inheritance was to pay for education which put her nose further out of joint. Just because your dh treats your dd like an actual daughter doesn’t mean his family have too.

Exactly.

OP can't control what her in laws say to her child. DH doesn't have a problem with it.

What are you wittering on about? My point was nothing to do with her older child. It was about her younger child's interfering, overstepping grandparents.

That's a lot of money isn't it. I have about 50k saved for my teenagers. I definitely didn't tell them at age 6, more like 16. But with the disparity it might actually be better for your 10yo to know now. I agree it should have been your choice and not the grandparents'.

Are you in a position to save for the 10yo?

They wouldn’t

My young DS is the sole beneficiary of my DM’s estate which is being held until he is 20, but can be used for purposes of education and upkeep as per the terms of the will.

We have told DS this but not the value of the estate (which is many times the value of your DD’s) as we feel this is not in his interests right now; we also want to avoid him telling people as he gets older in case he tells the wrong people/‘friends’ who try and tap him for money once he takes possession at 20 yo.

I don’t agree that a 6yo should be told the value of her inheritance but with a bit of luck she’ll have forgotten about it unless cousins remind her. Perhaps start a high interest ISA for your older DD if you wish.

Previous threads.

She isn’t the poster in a similar situation that pressured her husband into marriage, but the rest is correct. They’ve never acted as grandparents to her eldest, and never gave her the impression they intended to. Her husband has no problem with this, and isn’t going to pick fights with his family because OP wants him to.

This is a family that is very matter of fact about blended families being different to nuclear ones, and doesn’t seek to emulate the latter. This was made clear to OP from the beginning, and she chose to continue the relationship anyway. It’s pointless getting mad about it now.

Maybe your eldest will inherit from her dad when he dies? Might even be more than £77k.

I remember OPs last thread now and... yeah.

They weren’t overstepping. The child’s father was there and had no issue with his child being told.

The child’s father was there. It’s absolutely not interfering or overstepping talking to your grandchild with your child there and in agreement with you.

The OP may very well have an issue in her marriage as she and her husband are obviously in very different places, but the grandparents have done sod all wrong.

@SpanishFork ,

You're filled with resentment and making yourself miserable over a situation you brought about with your own actions. You have a tantrum every few months when something about money comes up. You're so angry over money that you have no control over. You're going to pass on your resentment and anger to your eldest daughter the way you're going. You're going to be splitting your kids if you keep this resentment up. Your husband sees you clearly and knows exactly where this is coming from. You make it known how angry you are. The whole house probably feels your rage.

You can only control yourself. If you are ok that younger will have more financial opportunity than your older, she'll be ok with it too. And that's the reality of it.

But if you can't let it go and have a mad fit every few months, you're just making your family unhappier over your choices and things you can't control. You're burning bridges rather than making them.

Not at 6 she doesn't. They shouldn't be talking to her about grown up stuff until she's old enough to grasp what it all means.