Discovered DP has knickers. Should I be worried?

[NickyKat]

So today, Valentine's Day of all days, I discovered that DP of 6 years has a collection of knickers in his boxers drawer. He has about 12 pairs - mostly hipsters, boyshorts and briefs. I brought it up with him and he seemed embarrassed and said he likes the feel of the material more than men's cotton boxers.

I had another look later on when he was getting ready for our meal out and they're all 14-16 which seems about his size. But I've also never washed them and still wash multiple boxers every week.

I've never come across this with any of my previous partners and my mind is racing. We had a lovely meal out but it was clear he didn't want to talk about it.

I don't think they're another woman's because why would he have so many if they'd been left after a sneaky visit while I was away?

Am I being unreasonable to think this is not normal? Is it a red flag? I have so many questions but he's not telling me anything other than they're his and he likes wearing them.

There is nothing more demoralising than having a partner with a fetish/kink that you don’t share but make an attempt to accommodate when you find out about it because it doesn’t outright horrify you. The whole thing becomes tedious very quickly.

As many pps on this thread can attest accepting the “small stuff” will, as night follows day, lead to more and more boundary pushing and the long slow boiling of the frog all while minimising everything that’s being asked/demanded of you.

Having fetishes/kinks is not some highly evolved state of being that allows you to look down on the normies as some pps have been doing on this thread and feeling sorry for these men is just ridiculous when it’s well known that crossdressing/transvestism in men is a masochistic humiliation fetish and any shame felt will very probably be hugely arousing.

Best response yet! These fetishes pretty much always escalate too, whether it be in the bedroom with their female partner or if they are too embarassed/ashamed then they tend to escalate in secret.

Problem being of course, as desensitization to each new item of clothing wears off then there is a risk of new thrill seeking by wanting to go out in public dressed and in today's climate, you run the risk of them finding yourself married to a 'woman'..

Of course everyone’s entitled to their own boundaries. I wrote in a PP that it’s a personal choice whether the OP can accept it or not, and if it’s something that grosses her out and she can’t get past it then fair enough. No judgment from me, everyone has their own likes and dislikes, just like her partner has his. Having a fetish is not something you can help (and this is coming from someone with no so-called fetishes, I’m just open-minded and believe in privacy). You don’t merge into one being when you get into a relationship. You’re still an individual entitled to your own privacy. If the thing you’re keeping private doesn’t involve harming anyone or cheating on your partner you’re entitled to keep it private (cue all the pearl clutching cries of “oh but he will be harming people soon when his behaviour OF COURSE escalates and he’s breaking into women’s houses at night and sexually assaulting them!” 🤣)

How do you know they escalate? Love it when people make these wild claims with literally zero evidence or statistics to back it up. Sure, many sexual offenders probably started out stealing knickers/wearing knickers etc, but that doesn’t tell you anything about the vast, vast number of harmless men who do this as a harmless sexual fetish and would never dream of hurting a woman. There’s so much small-mindedness and pearl clutching on this thread..I swear, only on MN! And I’m not someone with a fetish who is “looking down on those without fetishes and thinking I’m somehow more highly evolved”, as one poster put it. I don’t have any fetishes, if I was in a relationship with a man and I discovered this, I too might get the ick and be too turned off by it to continue the relationship. But that’s not something I can help, I can’t control my feelings and attractions (even though I recognise they are a product of the society I’ve been raised in, where anything feminine on a man is an immediate turn-off). Just the same as he can’t control his feelings and attractions. And as long as those feelings and attractions do not involve anyone who is not consenting, I really don’t see the problem. And it’s likely they aren’t. He’s been with the OP for SIX years, and she is only finding out about this now. If he wanted to involve her in his fetish don’t you think he’d have done it in the first couple of years when the sex is still exciting? 6 years down the line things tend to get a little boring. It’s clearly something he enjoys for himself and doesn’t involve anyone else. Whether I could accept it or not is not the issue. Regardless of whether I could or couldn’t, I would not to is judge him or shame him for having a fetish he did not choose. And I certainly wouldn’t automatically assume he’s going to go on to be a sexual predator!

Same here. It all seemed harmless enough before men started demanding access to women's changing rooms, sports prizes, prison cells etc. And now we know how seemingly trivial oddities can escalate, I wouldn't want to be around someone even in the early stages.

What's your problem with that? Perhaps you have incel type thinking.

Nobody has a right to have their fetish accepted by another. People do have a right to choose who to date.

In hiding a fetish the person with it takes away the other person's right to choose who to date. A desire to date someone doesn't justify taking away their rights, to achieve that.

yes, he is pro trans. That is that

Haven't read all that because you've taken what I said completely wrong. By escalate, I mean crossdressers. It never ends with just knickers or tights because the thrill eventually fades and they end up moving on to more and more female clothing. They all do have a favoirite 'gateway' clothing of choice though, as I said, usually knickers or tights/stockings. By no means did I mean they'd end up on a sex offender register, I meant the desire for more and more feminine attire. Some obviously stop at the clothes, some wigs and makeup. Of course I use the term 'stop' loosely because at some point in time they believed all they would need to be content was a pinched pair of Mums knickers yet here they are now trotting about in a miniskirt and heels.

I have a rule that anyone who refers to "pearl clutching" to support their argument should be ignored.

I agree with you.

No one (as far as I have seen) has suggested all AGPs are or will become sexual offenders, although we know for a fact that a few have, such as "Isla" Bryson and "Karen" White.

However, we know that an increasing number who are pretending to be actual women, are invading women-only spaces (despite the Supreme Court ruling), wearing their fetish to work and demanding that everyone pretends they are real women.

We have seen the (male) rage and aggression that is triggered in them when their entitlement is challenged. The death threats against JK Rowling and protesting by pissing all over Trafalgar Square.

That isn't harmless.

These men can be frightening and manipulative. Women have every right to protect themselves. We shouldn't be forced to participate in their fetishes when we go to work or visit women only public spaces, never mind in our relationships.

No way would I entertain a minute longer in a relationship if my partner wanted to do any of this shit.

Yep, and it is a real eye opener once you realise that the MAJORITY of cross dressing men have a sexual fetish and started with their mum's/sister's knickers. Or if they got into it later in life through sissy porn it could be the partner's/wife's. There's a small number of gender non-conforming men (who, sadly, can be dragged under the trans umbrella) but they don't focus on lingerie.

By your own admission you don't have any fetishes and haven't been involved with anyone who has, yet you've thrown out accusations of "small mindedness" and "pearl clutching" when many pps on this thread have spoken about their own negative experiences with partners who had fetishes. I'd imagine quite a few of them would have started out with an open and accepting mind until the reality of the situation really kicked in...

I don't make the claim that all c/dressing men are/will be sexual predators but crossdressing/transvestism in men is deeply rooted in misogyny and as such isn't "harmless."

It depends if him wearing them bothers you or not. This isn't a decision for us

I haven't seen anything to suggest that "Isla" Bryson was AGP or had a cross-dressing fetish. He was a convicted double rapist who adopted a trans identity and cross-dressed for court appearances in order to gain access to the women's prison.

There are some AGPers whose fetish is around behaviour and want to be in female only spaces because the that arouses them. But there are a lot of other men, who are sexual offenders who adopt the trans identity (not because they have AGP) but because they want easy access.

People actually sat writing paragraphs in response to original poster 🤣😭 clearly unattractive people who can’t get any action.

And you're basing this on what exactly Aphrodite?

Sometimes I wear mens socks because they are warmer, more cosy and come up the leg higher….am I a sock/foot fetish pervert?

No, they just feel nice to wear.

This thread brings them out.

🤣

Go on what am ‘I’ to bring out? Just out of interest……..

curious as to why it is perfectly acceptable for a woman to wear something that makes her feel sexy but that's not OK for a man

Because lacy knickers are female-coded sexy, you nitwit.

Silk boxers exist. Soft bamboo shorts exist, with well-shaped gussets to securely cradle the male genitalia. For the more specialised man, silky or lacy thongs and pouches exist.

He isn't choosing these so it's not about how they feel. He's choosing girly pants with ribbons and bows because they're female coded.

I would not want a sexual relationship with a man who likes his cock & balls to be feminine. It's antithetical to the whole point of heterosexuality!

If it was just the feel of it he liked he'd go on a site like Silkysilky and get silk underwear for men. Lots of hetero men like women's underwear. My husband jokes about going through my underwear drawer if I'm away for a few days sometimes, sniffing used female pants is another weird bloke thing, although my husband jokes about doing this but I've never seen him actually do it, ditto rifling through my knicker drawer.
I wouldn't be happy with his having his own laydee pants though and if he was insistent on these and not something like the Silkysilky bloke pants I would know it wasn't about liking the feel of the fabric but the forbidden laydeeness of them and would worry about it escalating. It is also deeply unsexy and laughable to think of him in women's underwear.He is not a delicate dainty bloke.

I have bought lacy/frilly knickers for my DH. It is fun. He likes them, I like them. We are not deviants.
Some of the comments on here are wild.

Oh ha ha, just googled Silkysilky blokes' pants. Even allowing for the fact the models might have been picked because of certain physical characteristics it certainly gives the lie to "women's knickers are so more comfortable"

That's your joint choice. Up to you. I'd at best fall about laughing and at worst be totally put off by a man wearing frilly, women's knickers.

I don't think it's what OP's partner actually does that's a problem in itself, just like the things you describe above are not a problem. What IS a problem is hiding those preferences from the person you're dating.

People should get together with those who enthusiastically share their sexual preferences. I don't know why people don't just communicate upfront to potential partners. That way, people do not end up mismatched and everybody has a lot more fun being their authentic selves with someone who wants the same things. Now OP is in a situation where she's already attached to this man after 6 years and has shared a lot of memories together, and she's faced with choosing between putting up with someone who has a sexual preference that really turns her off (if it does) or breaking up a long-term relationship that has lots of feelings involved. That is a horrible choice.

I suppose it's possible that this preference might have developed since they met. But if so, he should have told her then, so she could decide whether continuing was a waste of her time or not. He deprived her of consenting to a relationship with a man who likes to cross-dress. It's a betrayal. Bypassing consent by withholding information is a betrayal.

For me, the betrayal would be the issue, not the activities in general, as I'd find it a complete turn-off in an intimate partner. (Don't care if others want to do it - I fully support sexual freedom, just not sexual dishonesty.) I would be so mad at having my time wasted because I wasn't given the correct facts to make an informed choice about spending six years with someone.